The Endorphin Levels in BDSM

 

Disclaimer: The author is not a medical doctor, though this information has been checked with a doctor and two nurses who are in the BDSM scene. Frisky Business Boutique assumes no responsibility for people who use this information or for the effects that may arise from the application of the information presented in this article.

Skout Comments:This is not my work, however it is excellent reading, the discourse has discussions on the facts behind what is presented. I personally on several occasions have experienced what is being illustrated in the article below and am happy to testify that it worked for me in the dozen scenes that I have done using this method as a submissive. Keeping in mind that at-least half was have a concise awareness that we were testing the method. The other half was more organic but the Dominant reported in using the method and achieved the same results. 

Further note, I dropped like a mother fucker so After Care of your submissive is essential and also Dom drop can occur so be mindful of this… Play and stay safe… Pup Spanky. 

Source: Frisky Business

Although everyone into the BDSM scene has heard of endorphins, very few people really understand what they are, how they work, what the  “endorphin high” is all about, and how one can correctly induce the body to produce them. This short primer will answer those questions, and serve as a guide for anyone topping another so that they may successfully send their bottom into a very deep endorphin stupor (also known as “leaving them in a big puddle of quivering ecstasy”).

The endorphin high is caused by a bunch of natural, morphine-like chemicals the body pumps into the brain to reduce a person’s sensitivity to pain and raising the pain threshold. The fact that the body seems to release these endorphins in measured “loads” is a key to understanding how to manipulate  the body to produce these loads and release them into the body and brain region when the load is ready.

Another chemical, adrenaline, is also produced by the body in reaction to pain, and its behavior should be understood also. This is covered later more thoroughly in the section on aftercare, which is a very essential element in guaranteeing the success of the effort.

The endorphin loads release in their entirety, and it takes the body about ten minutes to generate another one. After the body releases a load into the system, it needs at least ten minutes of some sort of stimulation before it will be ready to release another one. This stimulation can be just about anything – sensation play, light paddling, flogging, or light caning, for example – and it does not have to be nearly the intensity of the stimulation that caused the release of the last endorphin load.

Once prepared, an increase in stimulation over a five-minute span up to a measured “climax” will trigger the body to release the freshly-prepared load, based upon the submissive’s current pain threshold, measured to push them over a new edge.

Armed with this information, what does a session look like from the top’s and bottom’s points of view?

When a scene first starts, there are no endorphins in the submissive and even fairly light torment is very stingy, ouchy, and, well, painful! Fortunately, the body keeps an endorphin reserve in place ready to release in case of an emergency. This reserve endorphin load is released after just a few minutes of even relatively mild stimulation building to a mild climax, and suddenly the pain threshold clearly rises. Now, the subject can easily tolerate what may have been pushing the limits before, making him jump around and squirm, for instance. This new, more pain-tolerant state is Level One. There is no altered state of consciousness yet, but there is an increased pain threshold.

Once this has happened, for the top the next 10 minutes is spent doing anything that provides relatively light but constant stimulation to induce the bottom’s body to create the next endorphin load for release. This is a good time for sensation play, light paddling, flogging, or whipping. This is a chance for the top to relax, since the stimulation can be very mild and easy to apply during this time.

Once the ten minutes has passed, a build in intensity over a subsequent five-minute period will excite the body to a peak, and a sudden 10 to 15 seconds of intense stimulation just beyond the person’s current pain threshold limit will trigger the body to eject its freshly-made endorphin load into the bloodstream. Now the bottom will be at  Level Two, with still no perceivable altered state of consciousness (beyond panting in relief that you, the top, have ceased with the intense bit), but there is a considerable and noticeable leap in pain threshold now.

Following this, another ten minutes of mild, easy stimulation provokes the body into generating the next load. Keep this well below the pain threshold you’ve now created, with just a little intense whack every so often, about a minute apart. This will keep the adrenaline build-up to a minimum, for reasons explained later on. Time to relax, tops; rest that arm and wrist a bit! This relaxing ten minutes is followed with five minutes of building the intensity again to well above the previous level. The bottom’s pain threshold is pretty high now and he can take a lot more before the body interprets this as being “in crisis” and triggers the next endorphin release. Finish off with 10 seconds to a minute of a very intense, over-the-edge push, and the body will inject that next load.

Now at  Level Three, the bottom will definitely feel a little bit woozy, exhibiting a mildly-drugged state. His eyelids should appear droopy, and he will fall into a more relaxed condition than before, more low moans and groans, and lower inhibitions. Again, applying ten minutes of any relatively mild stimulation followed by a five-minute build and a 10- to 15-second intense climax well beyond the previous one will release the next endorphin load and push the bottom into a very nice Level Four head space.

At this Level Four state, there is a very definite altered state of consciousness.  The bottom will feel drugged and will be very compliant and submissive now. This is countered, however, by the largest charges of adrenaline he has received so far, the result of the intense climax just used to push him over this edge. The bottom is still quite communicative and his reaction time is still quick. The bottom may even be hypersensitive: a small whack with a paddle, cane, or whip can now generate a huge amount of twitching or jerking of the subject’s body. Now, during the ten minute “treading water” period for the top, the moans and groans will be longer and deeper, the body often limp in its restraints, and the reactions to the occasional harder strikes will be obvious. This is the top’s finest time: she  can still relax and not exert herself very hard, yet produce fine moans of ecstasy from her bottom with hardly any provocation! The pain threshold is high even though the reaction time is increased from the adrenaline. Harder occasional strikes are welcomed, and the reactions are certainly encouraging!

Sexual play with the bottom should occur around Level Three or Four. After after hitting Level Five, the bottom may be unable to concentrate for long on what he is doing. That can result in passionate and inhibition-free indulgence, resulting in heights of ecstasy never before experienced, or the bottom can lose his erection and be unable to concentrate. There’s no telling which way the bottom will go once he achieves Level Five or Six.

After this ten minute endorphin replenishment period, it is important to be very sensitive to the limit levels crossed earlier, as the top begins that five-minute build in intensity that will end in the most intense limit-pushing the top might do with the bottom for this session (presuming the top stops at Level Five). The bottom will have a very high pain threshold at this time, but also will be fairly groggy and less able to communicate a safe word. In fact, the bottom will now be so compliant that it is very unlikely that he would use it even if he ought to do so! So, push this “grand finale” with finesse and sensitivity to what is going on with the bottom! At the other end of the 10- to 30- second climactic build in intensity – in a wonderful blast – this latest endorphin load will push the bottom into Level Five: a state of supreme ecstasy, docility, and the bottom’s ability to take just about anything the top could do to him. The bottom will become very limp and relaxed very suddenly – and be very clearly in an altered state of consciousness.

This is the point most people end the scene and remove the bottom to cloak him in a blanket and begin the all-important aftercare, and unless the top knows the bottom extremely well, this is where the session should end. However, for those who do know the bottom’s limits, the rules and timing are the same as with the earlier segments. Now, the “mild” stimulation could be fairly intense, and the bottom will become extremely submissive and accepting of any amount of stimulation the top bestows upon him. This is a dangerous condition because there is NO WAY a person will utter a safe word in this condition. The bottom can barely talk at all! It is best to keep the stimulation relatively intense but not too extreme. The stronger intensity will hold up the adrenaline levels, and the combination with the elevated endorphins levels creates a condition of intense excitement and of simultaneously intense ecstatic relaxation for the bottom, so he’ll be into receiving whatever is being doled out. (More on adrenaline in a minute, though!) Again, finish off after the ten minutes with a building in intensity to one beyond that reached earlier, with a 10- to 15-second extreme point, and the next endorphin load will be released. Now we have brought the bottom to a very amazing  Level Six! Again, this should only be attempted with a bottom whose limits and abilities are already very well known. The top is working without the benefit of safe words being utterable; care must be exercised this whole while.

The bottom’s behavior can become unpredictable at this point with all the adrenaline and endorphins coursing through the body.  Be prepared to restrain against some wild thrashing and arm flailing (or at least be out of harm’s way). The bottom is in such an intensely altered state of consciousness that his reactions could possibly be extremely primitive in nature. He may only be capable of animal-like noises and very little speech. Following this reasoning, approach the subject as you would a wild animal: very gently, speak soothingly, and gesture in a calming manner. Be prepared for sudden jerking, or attempts to get away. Don’t take the erratic behavior personally! At Level Six, this person is totally ga-ga! Be assured, the bottom is enjoying every millisecond of this experience, and a very long period of dreaminess is now in store for him if the aftercare is handled properly.

Why do I go on and on about the aftercare? The work of putting endorphins into the subject’s body is finished, right? Well, yes, but you have also succeeded in putting very, very large amounts of adrenaline into the bottom’s system, and adrenaline is tricky stuff. Even at Level Four, aftercare is important because of how quickly adrenaline burns off compared to endorphins, which burn off very slowly. At Level Five or Level Six, there is enough adrenaline in the body that it will take at least 10 to 20 minutes for it to burn off (or longer). During this time, the bottom is likely to experience a number of adrenaline crashes (similar to coffee jags). Some of these can be intense and even quite frightening. The bottom will need to be kept warm and be held and comforted AT LEAST throughout this period of adrenaline burn-off. My opinion is that if you don’t care enough for the bottom to cuddle and caress them for up to half an hour, you probably shouldn’t be taking them to any Level Six endorphin/adrenaline levels.

The adrenaline “crash” experience for the bottom is something many, many tops are unaware of, and they have no concept of the amount of harm they could be doing to someone’s psychological state by not performing adequate, comforting aftercare. All the bottom needs now is to be held and to hold you (or whoever you assign to perform aftercare), to be comforted by your presence, and to be allowed to make you become the entire focus of their awareness. No stroking, or massage, or other stimulus is needed or even desirable at this time. What is important is to keep in contact with the bottom (not requiring words as responses, merely nods), and instruct the bottom every little while to relax. The adrenaline will have him in a very agitated state – with high heart beat and breathing levels – and this situation is completely counter to the endorphin experience. Sure, the bottom has a ton of endorphins in his system, but the adrenaline is presently holding the endorphins off and the bottom isn’t experiencing their full effect. The top’s guidance is extremely important to help the bottom relax through the adrenaline burn-off period.

If not actually “talked down” out of the adrenaline agitation, the bottom could easilynever allow himself to relax enough to even feel the massive content of endorphins that currently exist in his system! Maybe you’ve seen a bottom who –  after an hour of intense stimulation to the point of near-total collapse on the cross or bench –  is released and after a mere couple of minutes is mingling with people as if nothing ever happened. These people are floating on a self-sustained adrenaline buzz. This is not only unhealthy, but these bottoms are also cheating themselves out of a long, longstretch of total endorphin-induced ecstasy!

Aftercare Instructions

While gently holding the bottom and letting him hold you back, coo softly and comfort him, and tell him to let himself relax. You will feel him do so as he complies to your wishes, as he is quite docile and open to receiving instructions at this point. But he will also slowly tense up again from the adrenaline. Keep reminding him to relax, telling him to give himself permission to relax totally.

As the bottom begins to relax after a while, he may experience a frightening “falling off a cliff” feeling that makes him tense again, or “blackness” as the endorphins relax the bottom’s optic nerve. This is a side effect of the chemicals burning off. The top’s job is to reassure the bottom that these experiences are completely normal, to let go and pass through it. The bottom has to relax through the sensation of falling or blackness with the understanding that this is quite normal and is a common experience. Once he does that, having “relaxed through it,” he will be “in it” after that point, and will relax deeply, often seeing beautiful technicolor visions and dreamlike landscapes, spaces, and places. How sweet!

Once this happens, your bottom needs only a little more loving attention, and can then be left bundled in a blanket somewhere on their own to float in a happy bubble, very possibly for hours!

“Flying”

There is another factor that can produce an altered state of consciousness far, farbeyond even that of the most extreme endorphin experience. This is experienced by submissives whose intense focus upon their Master or Mistress (their Dominant) – and upon pleasing them – eventually leads to a hallucinogenic kind of altered state known commonly in the BDSM community as “flying.” This word has an almost mythological aura in the scene for very good reasons! It is probably the most profound experience one can have as a submissive. It involves a state of intense devotion towards the dominant (who is not just a mere “top” at this point) that borders upon religious worship, with complete trust and a total commitment to please and satisfy the Dom thoroughly. Through the attainment of a complete selflessness and focus on the dominant, a transformation takes place that is very, very deep, almost trance-like. It can become so profound as to produce an extended, blissful hallucinogenic state. Many have reported even seeing visions under the spell of this “flying” effect. All have attested to the profound sense of peace and bliss they have experienced while even near the edge of this state.

This flying state can be attained by some with very little endorphin content in their systems. (Some claim no endorphins are required, but I’m quite certain most folks have attained at least a level Three or Level Four endorphin high in order to trigger the total release of inhibitions that this psychological state seems to require, at least generally speaking.) With practice, the release into this “flying” submissive-space should come easier and easier, eventually with even a mere suggestion triggering the effect for some with very little or even no endorphin content being in the picture. COMBINED with the Level Five or Six endorphin head space, there likely can be no deeper state of ecstasy possible for the bottom — short of total enlightenment! Until such an experience of full enlightenment can be accomplished, perhaps the attainment of this interim bliss is acceptable, and certainly should be considered an attractive and enjoyable state to be in! The secret ingredients are: intense focus; a commitment to please the dominant utterly; and, complete and total devotion. These ingredients – with some endorphins in the mix – should produce a quite satisfying effect for both the submissive and the dominant.

 

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Pup Spanky

What Is Headspace In BDSM

If you’re new to BDSM you might have heard the term headspace or one of its variations such as sub space, puppy space, drop and other such terms. What does this mean? Head space is generally considered to be an altered state of consciousness within BDSM play that is used to ‘lose yourself’ in a scene. It is described as a state of mind whereby the body’s endorphins, enkephalins and adrenaline take over the mind and produce a morphine like effect. It’s what takes over our mind when we engage in risky sexual practices such as urethral sounding. To the ordinary person, putting something down your urethra might sound outlandish, painful and crazy, and to a certain extent it is. But by altering the mind and approaching things slightly differently an individual can come to terms about doing things which might seem outlandish and outrageous. They use their hormones and arousal to reframe their state of mind into participating into a sexual activity that they may or may not have been into beforehand.

It varies between individuals, but head space is a period whereby there is an altered state of reality. Headspace is a period whereby the individual enters an altered psychological state that manifests itself into physical and emotional actions, images, feelings and thoughts that have been brought on by a dramatic increase in adrenaline and endorphin that will occur during a scene. It’s hard to explain without sounding odd – but let’s try.

 

Head Space In Bdsm Is Being In A Particular Frame Of Mind To Allow The Body The Ability To Handle The Activity

 

When engaging in BDSM play it is referred to as a scene. In a scene there is generally some form of role play being done – generally whereby one participant is subjected to one activity while the other one maintains control of the activity. Take for example one of the most relatable forms of BDSM as a power exchange within a dominant and submissive relationship. The dominant is the one in control of the situation, whereas the submissive is the one that carries out, or is subjected to the control the dominant. In order to do this the participants need to let go who they are and become a character of sorts. They might not normally be submissive or dominant outside of that room, but within that room and within that ‘scene’ they become something else. To reinforce that they might employ the use of BDSM aesthetics, by that it is meant BDSM toys and tools will generally have a certain look. Consider the attire of a dominant, if he/she walks in in casual clothes, ripped jeans, wearing thongs then that projects a completely different aesthetic than what it would if they walked into a room in a leather hood, with black gloves, black boots and handcuffs swaying from their fingers. Essentially, the purpose of a scene is to lose yourself within the scene. Some activities might involve pushing your body to the extreme, inflating dildos and anal stretching is one such example. By not being in a state of arousal, or preparing your mind and body for the activity at hand, you’ll find that you’re not able to enjoy it in the same way and might otherwise find it very difficult to continue.

It is a form of acting in a way whereby you’re letting go of who you are, role playing in a scene if you will. Once you have let go of who you are, and you’re focused on the scene you are said to be within a form of headspace.

Head space is more often commonly associated with the submissive, but there is evidence to suggest that dominants also experience an altered state of consciousness as well. We’ll start by exploring the idea of Sub-Space before moving on to Dom-space.

What Is Subspace In BDSM

Sub Space is an altered state of consciousness that varies between individuals. The very basic kind of definition that can be applied is that it refers to a state where the brainwaves in the mind are functioning in a different way that the basic defaults of ‘being awake and alert’ and ‘sleeping’. Keep in mind that this is a very basic definition and the idea of head space varies considerably between individuals and play mates. Brains are exceptionally complicated and even with scientific research into head space during BDSM play, there have been no definitive answers as to how and why it occurs as of yet.

 

Mental Stimulation Is An Important Aspect Of Bdsm As It Releases Chemicals And Hormones To Help The Body Cope

 

What we do know is that sub space is triggered through a reaction that is a response to intense stimulation that results from a scene. It is partly regulated and induced by biochemical changes that occur within the body which have been triggered through the physical and emotional stimulation of the scene. This is primarily referred to as a physiological sub space. It is where the submissive goes into a scene. It’s not referred to a physical place, but the altered state does affect the body and allow them to handle more stimulation. This type of space also provides for emotional stability and in a way, psychological compartmentalization.

A sub is generally aware of how they descended into sub space, and they will remember that a major event has happened but they might forget intimate details, or struggle to recall the majority of what happened during that state. For some, it enhances memory and for others the descent into a sub space allows for deep and reflective thinking and internal problem solving of emotional turmoil and events. It varies considerably between people but the one thing that is a constant within sub space is that it affects people’s awareness considerably. Some submissives might see themselves becoming wrapped up in their own thoughts and feelings to the extent whereby they are practically unaware of anything else such as their surroundings their individuality as a person and time, others might shut off completely and enter a trance like state which sees them no longer in control, and in some ways resembles a hypnotic trance like state.

 

Why Do Submissives Lose Control in Kink?

When playing in a scene, the submissive will be concentrating on the small things. The touch of the dominants hand, the cane, the restraints and how they feel against the skin and they might become carrier away from the mental high that comes about as a result of the increased attention and through the feelings of complete and utter submission and trust. To do this properly they must believe the scene, they must be aware of the limitations of the scene, and they must be aware of the safety procedures in place that are there to protect them. With all these security measures in place, a sub can forget about the danger and the risks and allow themselves to immerse within the scene. As they relax and put more and more trust into that of the dominant within the scene, the natural chemicals of the body will kick in. Trust over takes fear and the flight and fight response will emerge, but it will be controlled. The stimulation will slowly increase, the body will tense and the individuals breathing will become deeper and faster as they lose themselves. It is roughly at this point where the adrenaline rush will occur and the endorphins will take control of the body resulting in the altered mental state. Some people will use BDSM and the altered state of consciousness to help illuminate the mind and achieve a different clarity through which they can resolve issues. BDSM in this fashion becomes more of an illumuniating art form which changes the perception of the individual and allows for the illumination of the mind.

When in this state it is the responsibility of the dominant to ensure the safety of the submissive. Factors such as the intensity of the high and altered state, as well as the speed in which the submissive got there will definitely need to be considered. The dominant needs to notice how far into the sub space the playmate is and from there needs to consider the reaction, the mental state and whether there are any physiological signs that need to be noticed; such as the breathing rate, sounds, and sweating.

From here they might descend into a trance. It resembles a state of strong relaxation and might be akin to a meditative trance or hypnotic trance that has the potential to grow deeper quickly. In this state mental processes will be delayed or slower, and the use of safety precautions such as a safe word or signal might become difficult or even impossible to use in this state. It is up to the dominant to work out when a submissive is in such a state and respond and react accordingly. Verbal responses might be slow to occur and or become non-existent the submissive might fall into certain patterns of behaviour which include moaning, drooling, and laughter, sobbing and growling. Such trance like states can often be seen in examples of over stimulation where something like a high powered bodywand or massage vibe is used to provide intense stimulation to the genitals over a sustained period of time. The body finds itself unable to cope with such intense stimulation and flooding of chemicals and hormones so it enters a trance like state in order to cope and make sense of its surrounding. Whilst this state is otherwise safe, it is imperative that the dominant recognise the risks from continuing and respond accordingly.

The danger in such an altered state is that sometimes a sub will descend further into a state known as flying or the roaring void. This exceeds the trance like state and can be representative of a dangerous mind set. If previously established safe signals are no longer being responded to then that indicates that it is time to stop play and move into a period of after care. A submissive who has entered such a state are incredibly vulnerable and will require nurturing, and after care. We’ll explain this in our aftercare article.

 

Guy In Pupy Play Mask Where Pup Play Involves A Specific Head Space Of Bdsm

 

The Idea Of Dom Head Space

There are some people which value the idea of dom space and others which refuse to acknowledge its existence. Both sides have a point to a degree – those that contest the idea of there being a dom-space contest it on the idea that a dominant is supposed to remain in control and in charge of things all the time. The idea of ‘submitting’ to a dom-space could potentially mean that there is a loss of control and the dominant is in danger of neglecting the sub, or being in a position whereby they will fail to notice the signs that indicate a sub is in danger.

The response to that is that dominants must also experience a change. Few dominants might retain that level of control throughout the entirety of their lives, they might also be in a position where they a role playing and in order to submit to that role, and come into it, they also experience a dom space. There are differences though, with dom space often being referred to as a high with an altered and more pure focus with magnified senses. It can increase the connection with the sexual partner and the sense of time is often lost.

Punishment and Reward

This is an extract from a group conversation on a pup page on Facebook. 

Certainly this could be a good discussion point and what was raised…

The question posed is what could be the difference between reward and punishment when dealing with a pup?

Please note none of these thoughts are mine and were comments from the original post. Names have been removed.

Continue reading

The Darkside

A dark side of our community

Recently I became aware of hate-filled online comments directed at a member of our community by an ‘anonymous’ individual.

The online environment is a space where we can share our opinions and thoughts and feel more in-touch with our chosen communities. Many of us have used the internet to discover and learn more about the subculture of which we are part, make connections and support one another. Unfortunately, it also allows a small minority of people to bully and harass others – often with the mistaken belief that they are doing so anonymously.  I find this horrid and I am dumbfounded that a person who considers themselves to be a member of our community would bully and harass any other individual.

Negotiation, respect, and active consent are the foundation stones of the leather and BDSM communities.  As leathermen we expect the wider community to be tolerant, understanding and respectful of our lifestyles.  Unfortunately, we are not always good at extending these courtesies to others within our community.  Discussion and debate are vital to the survival and development of our community.  And from time-to-time, some of us will be surprised or concerned by opinions expressed by others.  However, such disagreements must be conducted with civility and respect.  “A real leatherman” knows this and does not use the online environment to denigrate and intimidate others.

Benjamin Bullivant – Mr. Queensland Leather 2016

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Pup Spanky

Hood Shaming

As I have already blogged about this please follow the link to my Tumblr Blog…

Hood shaming is Wrong and not what our communities are about… Any shaming is against the basic principals of the leather community.

 

 

news letter headerPup Spanky

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Chastity – Myth or Fact

Posted on by Caged Lion

Source: https://www.malechastityjournal.com/2014/08/10/myth-or-fact/

Note I have not edited the text in  this article in anyway or form, whilst it is aimed at the pan community it can be easily viewed in a similar way for the gay community. If I have comments I have added them after each point. The author and his Mistress come across as very experienced and well educated on this topic.

There article commences below, My comments if any are in Blue:

Myth or Fact

There is a lot of information floating around on male chastity. I’ve done some research to try to separate fact from fiction when it comes to some of these questions.

It is dangerous for a male not to ejaculate for a long time: bigstock-Myth-stamp-63032431-700x467 According to medical authorities, there is no adverse effect if a male doesn’t ejaculate for months or even years. So-called blue balls and stories of prostate problems are not true.  According to Pepper Schwartz, PhD, “There is some data published by the Journal ofAmerican Medical Association that higher emissions were correlated with a lower rate of prostate cancer– but this is over a long period of time-and the increment of health is slight. ”

Whilst I agree it is a myth, I also belive that the dude in chastity needs to be able to ejaculate every so often, and this needs to be allowed by the negotiation between the locked boy and their keyholder.  

Locked up and unable to achieve an erection, a male can still orgasm and ejaculate

factIn fact, both men and women can achieve orgasm without any direct genital stimulation. Some can reach orgasm just with nipple or anal stimulation. Most men have at some point in their lives, had an orgasm during the night without any physical stimulation.

 

After being locked in a Chastity Device, a male will become more attentive and interested in his partner 

bigstock-Myth-stamp-63032431-700x467A key storyline in many male chastity fantasies is that the male will immediately redirect his sexual energy to pleasing his partner. This, the fantasy says, is the result of the device being locked on his penis. There is no physical difference between being locked in a chastity device and simply abstaining from sex voluntarily. While it is certainly true a caged male will try to find ways to get his  Keyholder to give him an orgasm, there is absolutely no evidence that there is an automatic transference of sexual satisfaction to his keyholder. However, like many myths of this type, if you believe it you can make it true for you.

After being locked in a chastity device, a male automatically becomes submissive and desires to do household chores.

bigstock-Myth-stamp-63032431-700x467Many chastity fantasies claim that when a keyholder takes control of a male’s penis, he automatically becomes a docile domestic slave. That’s certainly not true of me or of many men who are caged. At the very lowest level, a desire to wear a chastity device simply means that the wearer wants someone else to control his ability to orgasm. That’s it; nothing more. Now, many males have more complex agendas. They want more than simple orgasm control. I know that I want Mrs. Lion to take full sexual charge and have the power to make rules for me and discipline me when I displease her. None of that has a thing to do with the device on my penis. I’ve always shared chores. I am not doing any more now than before.

There should be some pain associated with wearing a chastity device. 

bigstock-Myth-stamp-63032431-700x467This is a big one. A well-designed chastity device should not hurt to wear. Too many males buy inexpensive plastic cages that irritate the skin behind their balls or other areas on their genitals. Devices like the CB6000 commonly cause this irritation. Some males have no problem wearing them. If you wear or are planning to wear your device for more than a weekend at a time, you should invest in a good-fitting device that you won’t even notice most of the time. If you have to apply lube to prevent the device from hurting you, it isn’t right for your body. I wear a Mature Metal Jail Bird 24/7 with no discomfort or lube needed (Mrs. Lion uses a little hand cream to ease my penis into its cage). See our guide to getting a good fit for information about how to properly measure for a chastity device.

The keyholder gets many benefits from locking up her male

bigstock-Myth-stamp-63032431-700x467Let’s face it, being a keyholder is work. She has to deal with all the extras that a caged male wants, such as regular teasing, maintaining some release schedule, and accommodating the fantasies that go along with Enforced Chastity

Enforced chastity is surrendering sexual control to another. Most typically, a male surrenders his ability to orgasm to another. Frequently, a chastity device is secured to the male’s penis to prevent erection and orgasm.”>enforced chastity

. The fantasies claim she gets endless sexual pleasure and a docile male to do housework, laundry, and paint her nails. Just read Mrs. Lion’s posts on the topic. Being my keyholder holds few benefits for her beyond giving me something I really want. Your keyholder has given you a gift. Ignore the fantasies and recognize what she is doing for you.

Forced male chastity improves a marriage
Plausible+signIn our case, caging me has brought us closer in ways that were completely unexpected. Our communications have improved, and we are much more sexually active than we were before. It’s ironic that caging my penis has improved my sex life. It has. Chastity won’t cure marital problems. Caging a man who cheated may prevent future extracurricular sex, but won’t erase the betrayal the cheating produced. A thoughtless husband won’t become more thoughtful. No wife really wants to beat her husband into being good to her. However, like us, many couples find that the chastity device forces more focus on intimate pleasures that a busy life may have pushed into the background.

In the research I have done personally and what I have read and been told I tend to agree with this, a locked boy certainly will become more closer and attentive to their partners needs, this works well in a Dom/ sub dynamic. It would be what I would consider a behaviour that the locked boy would want to be able to experience orgasm and requires the assistance of the keyholder in order to achieve this, therefore the locked boy would be willing to please his sexual partner to be rewarded. 

The first chastity belts were used by soldiers leaving to fight in the Crusades in order to keep their women pure

bigstock-Myth-stamp-63032431-700x467This myth started in Victorian times. In fact, many museums were sold “chastity belts” that were supposed to come from that period. They turned out to be fakes. The first known chastity devices were actually created in Victorian times. In those days a popular idea was that masturbation led to insanity or criminal behavior. Devices were created to prevent boys from masturbating. Female chastity devices were never popular. Women don’t need access to their genitals to orgasm and any chastity device will make it difficult for hygiene. Chastity devices have always been intended for males.

 

 Chastity Device

chastity device

<br /><br />A mechanical device that prevents a male from erection and orgasm. It is locked and the key is retained by the keyholder.  The picture is of Lion wearing a Mature Metal Jail Bird device.”>chastity device

Keyholder

The person who retains control of the male’s penis in enforced male chastity. The term keyholder refers to holding the key that locks a chastity device.”>keyholder

Corporal Punishment / BDSM Lifestyle & Pup Play

Originally I got this post idea from another blogger see original post: CP & BDSM Lifestyle and was w

There is an article that I wrote that touched some of the subjects so I am going to add this here: Discipline Vs Punishment – A pup’s perspective and this was written by Pup Scout

I know it is customary to add sources and references at the end of a piece of writing, however I would encourage you guys to read the above links first before continuing onto reading the following article: Corporal Punishment / BDSM Lifestyle and Pup Play.

Corporal Punishment:

“Inflicting a graduating amount of pain, in order to maintain discipline or authority in a relation, or in a BDSM role playing scenario.”

–GayDemon

Meaning

A deliberate act of inflicting pain to a subject, for a perceived transgression of the rules. In sexual terms, it is used during various role playing activities associated with the BDSM community. However, it can take ‘milder forms’ in normal sexual situations, such as in the spanking of a buttocks.

All forms of punishment are basically corporal punishment, where the infraction may determine the amount of pain administered.

It is also a form of establishing one’s authority over another, such as in s/m culture, or BandD role playing.

History

As old as history, where society has ‘punished’ members of its society for rules infractions. It has ranged from caning (still practiced in some countries, such as Singapore)

Ancient Sparta was considered to have an extreme use of ‘corporal punishment’ which was used for toughening and strengthening. Rome would use ‘flogging’ as a form of public punishment. In addition it was limited to 40 lashes, actually 39 so as to insure not breaking the law.

Medieval Europe saw an increase in Corporal Punishment, especially in schools, due to the influence of the Church and it’s concept of the human body. This included the ‘religious’ practice of ‘self flagellation’ during one’s solitary prayers.

Some believed it was to help drive out the evil spirits, others thought it was to accept punishment for one’s mortal sins. It is rumored to still be a part of some obscure secular believers rituals.

It was also commonly used by the British Navy and Army in colonial times, for those who breached rules of conduct. Generally such punishments were supervised by medical personnel. They would stop such ‘flogging’ if the offender was incapable of receiving the full scope of punishment.

It has been used in some form or another, to enforce discipline in schools, and though mostly no longer allowed, some States in the USA still use ‘paddling’ as a form of punishment in its schools.

In some areas, corporal punishment was outlawed for girls, while still being allowed for males. In other regions, administration of corporal punishment is considered ‘abuse of a minor’ no matter the level of pain being inflicted.

In 1784, Poland was the first to ban spanking or corporal punishment in schools. The United States refused to sign the United Nations charter of the ‘Rights of Children’ (in 2004) because of the provision banning parents from ‘using excessive discipline’ though it didn’t specifically mention Corporal Punishment.

History (Legend): Noted German psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing claimed that there was a link between a child who experienced corporal punishment at home, later sadist and masochist behavior in their adult life., though Sigmund Freud disputed that correlation.

Practice

Can take various forms. It can be as mild as a few brief whacks across the bare buttocks of a partner, or can be more intensive, where a great deal of pain is inflicted.

It can include the use of various implements, like whips, paddles, hair brushes, and other firm objects. It can also cause damage if applied to more sensitive parts of the body. Usually such measures are applied to the more fleshy body parts, such as the buttocks.

The most used are the open ended palm of a hand, or a paddle.

Some BDSM role playing involved the ‘bottom’ deliberately creating a situation for the ‘top’ that various forms of ‘corporal punishment’ are administered. This can include whipping, paddling, and such.

During ‘impact play’ or other associated BDSM activities, corporal punishment takes on many forms. It can include any means of inflicting pain on a ‘submissive/bottom’. It is usually instigated by the ‘bottom/submissive’.

Being bound is not a requirement, though is generally accepted as being part of the whole ‘game’. Care has to be used, when using Corporal Punishment techniques, in order to avoid possible permanent injury to the ‘bottom’.

During any BDSM role playing, the USE OF A SAFEWORD will end the administration of the punishment.

In many instances various apparatuses are used, where the ‘bottom’ is forced to lay across or bent over, so that the ‘top’ can administer the punishment with an assorted variety of tools. The ‘bottom’ can be bound as well to these apparatuses, such as a ‘X’ type cross, trestle, bench, or other similar items.

Spanking or Paddling are more traditional during ‘age play’ scenes, and can be very painful. Flagellation is generally not involved in such scenes, but is left to the more ‘extreme’ role playing scenarios.

Most forms of Corporal Punishment are directed towards the buttocks, the back, the back of the upper legs, and the soles of the feet. Other body areas are far more riskier, in that very serious injury can be inflicted without being noticed.

There is also the ‘humiliation’ factor to be taken into account in this type of fetishism. While hitting the soles of one’s feet isn’t necessarily considered ‘humiliating’ it is extremely painful and the effects (pain) can last for lengthy periods of time.

The force of the blow can be a factor, but generally is administered in a less intense manner, but can be repeated over a lengthy time frame, increasing the sensitivity of the area being struck, thus increasing the pain being administered.

Noteworthy: In some countries, Corporal Punishment of Children is considered a form of abuse, though not some of the more ‘western’ countries (notably the United States, that defends the rights of parents to discipline their children as they see fit.). Most psychiatric experts note that such ‘punishment’ does not produce long term benefits, but actually the opposite effect. They claim it leads to more aggression from grown children who were subjected to regular corporal punishment.

 

Reference: Gay Demon – Source of above article: GAY-DEMON The above definitions, practice and history is not my work, the original article can be found at the link provided above.

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If a submissive is to be disciplined, should they be caned, whipped, beaten? Is utilising some form of  corporal punishment effective in modifying behavior or counterproductive?

It depends – of course – but my position is corporal punishment can be effective as long as the dominant is skilled, experienced, and mature. In regards to pup play I personally feel that for many submissive pups positive reinforcement is more likely to work then corporal punishment. The pup mentality generally wants to please their Handler or Alpha then disappoint. In saying that sometimes pups do need a firm hand. Once again I would say this would be open to the discussion between the parties involved.

Why would a submissive sound off on the topic? Because it’s been brought up repeatedly with in various internet circles, including Fetlife. I have seen many post on this topic with strong views that you should never strike a pup.  Mostly,  those arguing against the idea, use more emotion and second-hand anecdotes than informed reason and logic to make their points.  Basically it comes down to common sense and what has been communicated in that particular arrangement.

When Sir strikes me for being bad, I know it is justified and deserved and I have protocoles in place including a punishment register that enables me to reflect on my behaviour, what I did wrong and how I was punished.

Below are well-reasoned arguments for a hostile audience who’ll probably never read  a single word.

Qualifications are tedious but seem unavoidable given the subject.

Polthus explains that, “Punishment is an aspect of Lifestyle BDSM relationships that saliently sets them apart from conventional ones. Anyone who’s suffered through a lengthy drive in silence can attest to the fact that punishments exist in conventional relationships. However, behavior is coded in faux-egalitarianism and therefore erratic and often arbitrary. In contrast, those living in a lifestyle BDSM relationship usually have an explicit binary of power and specific rules which, if broken, lead to a submissive being punished. Yes, some lifestyle D/s relationships have looser strictures than others, and there are thousands of different dynamics, but some reduction is required to have a discussion.”

Back to the issue: to strike a submissive as a form of punishment or not.

Common arguments against corporal punishment tend to run as follows: a beating rewards a masochist; it doesn’t matter if the attention is negative because it’s still attention; a dominant might abuse their power and harm the submissive; mixing ‘fun’ activities with genuine punishment leads to confusion and resentment; or ‘funishments’ lead to bratty or SAMmy  (Smart Ass Masochist) behavior.

I’ll address the ‘against arguments’ later, but for now here’s my working axiom for understanding why corporal punishment is  effective:

An experienced  dominant knows  how to make the most pleasant activity an awful experience.

If you catch someone indulging in one cigar, how might you teach them a lesson? A common approach is to have them smoke five in a row. The same logic applies to eating cotton candy, riding a carousel, or damn near any other combination of verb and noun. In regards to corporal punishment, a logical disconnect seems to occur because the same tools/toys used for pleasure are being utilised to punish. Furthermore, tools such as the crop, or paddle have connotations that tend to evoke emotional responses as opposed to rational ones. Yet as I just demonstrated, pretty much ‘anything’ can be a source of discomfort.

A skilled dominant can make a punishment beating an experience that even an avowed masochist will avoid by using a combination of psychology, preparation, setting, and relentless repetition. Essentially, it’s the same cocktail used to launch a sub into space – except in reverse. The experience becomes one full of unpleasant and painful sensations that are as inescapable because the dominant makes them so.

Safe Words – Please see Polthus view on Safe Words [ safe words here.] Whilst I agree with the uses and setting up safe words, the link shows another view that always should be considered. As I have previously mentioned in other blog posts, I would assume that your play partner would be familiar with the practice of  SSC, and would also practice RACK or PRICK or both.

This post IS NOT a ‘how to’ guide, I won’t provide an example of a punishment session. However, agree or disagree with my position, anyone who’s experienced in BDSM can understand the concept above. And for fucks sake – if you’re just getting your toes wet with kinky sex and lifestyle dynamics, please find an experienced mentor before you hurt yourself or someone else.

That said, here’s a brief response to the arguments against corporal punishment in lifestyle BDSM relationships:

“A masochist is being rewarded” – If we’re talking about someone ‘hard core,’ someone who derives sexual pleasure and catharsis from raw pain no matter who’s causing it and why, then yes, an extreme masochist would be rewarded. But we’re not talking about the fringe extremes here are we? And even if we were, the statement above leaves out a key component of psychology- the submissive desire to please their dominant.

Because if the person being punished is a submissive masochist, the event occurring means their dominant is so displeased with their behavior that they’ve set aside a portion of the day to address it means they fucked up badly. This knowledge can be part of what’s used to keep a submissive from deriving pleasure when being punished. Additionally, a dominant who knows what they’re doing has a pocketful of tactics to keep a sub from floating away on endorphins or escaping into their own mind.

Understanding the psychology of punishment and how it’s enacted, destroys the idea of ‘funishments’ and concerns over confusion. And, look, if you cannot differentiate between the ways ‘fun beatings’ and ‘punishment’ are very different beasts, then you probably shouldn’t be dispensing corporal punishment as serious aspect of your relationship.

I will add that displeasure or not pleasing your dominant, for both many submissive’s and pups is more than enough to realise they have fucked up, and should be used to ensure they understand the difference between a pleasurable beating and one that is meant for punishment.

As for dominants being abusive, that’s a completely separate issue. Why? Because they have the same tools and power to be abusive whenever they damn well please. And the tools themselves are just as much of a strawman as the nature of the relationship. Since when have abusive rageoholics required rules and rituals to oppress others? An abusive dominant that lacks self-control is dangerous to their submissive – full stop. The fact they have or have not incorporated beating someone as punishment is beside the point.

I have written two blog posts on BDSM Vs Abuse Part 1 & Part 2.

More often than mot, people tend to believe the knowledge they receive first without question. It’s human nature to do so. However, far be it from me to prescribe whether rational adults should or should not do something behind closed doors.

But if you want to know whether corporal punishment can be an effective  means of correction, my answer is yes. Generally speaking the Dominants that I play with or train under are very experienced, they tend to know what makes me tick and I respect the Dominant that is training me.  Those are three  significant reasons I’m quite keen to avoid punishment.

Let’s be clear, knowing someone has the power to whip my ass until they decide I’ve had enough is arousing. However, I have ZERO desire to get a lesson beat into me. If you cannot grasp the seduction of giving up power and the appeal of the  ‘unfairness’ in a D/s relationship, then either a D/s is not for your or you have just commenced your journey.

For those that are commencing their journeys will need to understand the seduction of giving up power and placing your trust into the hands of your dominant who will in-turn be a protector of that trust. And just as Polthus explains the appeal of the unfairness in a D/s relationship goes to the heart of the TPE.

 

Most of the above texted I have not edited and left as is, as I agree with it, I wish to thank Polthus who has expressed the desire for their writings to be shared. And I encourage you to read their post in it entirety.

What has this all got to do with pup play?

Just like every D/s dynamic where there is a perceived power exchange, power imbalance or however you wish to describe it, pup play can very well fall into this category. And whether your a pup, and Alpha or Handler, etc. in the pup community you need to be aware, and be able to communicate your desires, and needs.

It must be noted the pup is not the only one that has the needs and desires that are needing to be meant, whilst many appear to forget the Handlers in much of their writings. The Handlers or the Dominants of the dynamic are equally  as important as the pup.

As the community grows and people bring in their own interpretations of pup play, and include other kinks such as corporal punishment, we need to be open about this without discouraging others ideas. I will be discussing such ideas and cross overs in my next blog post. The take home message is just because it something you do not believe in dose not make it wrong, pup play can take many forms and have many interpretations

Once again it is a lifestyle that you make and how you explore it, this is entirely up to you, just remember communicate, negotiate and stay safe. Unfortunately there are the existence of the Creepy Dom. Whilst 99% of the Dom’s I have can in contact with have been absolutely awesome, there are some that you stay away from, and that inculdes anyone willing to take away your rights before you are ready to give them up.

pupSpanky Logo Final V1.S

 

 

Limits and the pushing of boundaries

I previously explored the notion of “No Limits” and agreed with a perspective of another blogger. – No Limits In the discussion, there is a mention on No Limits and its meanings, clearly if you are playing with someone you would expect it to be Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC). So having limbs removed is not something that would be placed onto a hard limit as it would be implied.

Firstly to understand limits, I guess we need to have a basic illustration of the various activities that we may explore and indulge. Keeping in mind that the illustration below does not include everything, and you may or may not agree with it in it entirely.

tumblr_neuvy74u6T1u0u3pzo1_1280

As you can see there is a wide range of activities, and other aspects that may change the dynamic of the activity. It would be extremely rare that nay individual would have no limits, and to get to a point of minimal limits there certainly would be many boundaries that would both need to be explored and pushed.

Keeping in mind that I have not participated in every activity, dose not mean I am going to list every activity that I would consider as a hard limit, for example I would not be happy to explore kitten play, in fact I would generally refuse to, is that a hard limit? For some people yes they would consider that a hard limit, whilst I would not par take, it certainly is not a hard limit, and just like all BDSM activities and play negotiation is the key to success.

So I came up with a basic idea for Limits and exploration of boundaries, keeping in mind we will accept the premises that the person or people, that I am going to explore my limits and / or boundaries understand and practice SSC.

Exploration of Limits:

 

HARD LIMITS Medium Pushing Boundaries Soft Limits Exploration No Limits – Safety Only
Scat Needles Caning Deep Anal Play Threesomes
Vomit Cum Play CBT Fire Play Group Action
Diapers Water Sports TT Knife Play Fisting
Woman’s Clothing Heavy BDSM Cigar Play DP Flogging
Animals Suspension Restraints Impact Play Vanilla Stuff
Children Spiting Breath Play Corporal Punishment Rope Play
Scarification Food Play Chocking Chastity Pup Play
Hooks Sploshing    Rimming Spanking
  Exchange of Bodily Fluids     Outdoor Play
  Cutting (Boarder on Hard Limit)     Military Role Play
  Heavy CBT      Anal Play & Toys
   BB      Electrodes

 

NO GO

 

Wiling to Explore, negotiation required. Boundaries will be explored and pushed
 
Some negotiation required, Happy to explore, some boundaries will be explored and pushed
 
Open for exploration
 Consideration of Safety

There are so many activities out there I have not listed as the list would just be enormous. Keep in mind that; other then the hard limits, the activities listed are not set in stone and may change over time, as my views or desires change or are explored. However negotiation is always key.

BDSM for me is about a journey of exploration of your sexuality and this goes without saying;

“your kink may not be my kink, but that is ok!”

An example of this is pups that are into diaper play, to me this is confronting and I have listed it as a hard limit as I have no desire or wiliness to consider such kink, yet if this sort of activity is your kink, then by all mean do it, explore it and have fun.

This I guess is the take home message, it is ok not to wish to explore an aspect of a kink, but it is not OK to prevent another person from exploring their kink, providing it is not hurting anyone, and their is active consent involved.

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What has this to do with pup play?

Simply pup play has many cross overs with many other kinks and BDSM activities, for example leather and or rubber, and restraints and D/s, just to name a few. So it is important for pups and Handlers (Anyone really that has a Kinky lifestyle and practices BDSM activities) to be aware of their limits, boundaries and what they are willing to explore and what boundaries they are willing to push… But most importantly what is off limits (your hard limits) and this goes for all parties involved in the transaction of the desired activity.

I have also noticed that pup play whilst a lifestyle and a kink on it own right, is starting to delve into many areas of BDSM, whist generally many would argue that you should not flog a pup, or zap a pup with electrodes, and on some levels I agree. The dilemma is that if the community saids you can’t do something then a pup who likes to be flogged or a handler that likes to flog a pup, may feel ostracised and not interact with the community. So my advice is that if it is not harming anyone, and they are consenting adults then let them have their fun.

Keeping in mind some pups headspace is that the pup mindset, whilst other incorporate sex into their pup headspace. Hence why we are all individuals, and why when entering into play or headspace it is essential to communicate and be honest with your intentions or what you are willing to explore.

D/s or M/s BDSM Limits and Boundaries  

If you are entering into a D/s or M/s relationship and/or dynamic the above table could be a starting point on communicating to your perspective play mate(s) your needs and desires and what is a no go zone for you. However for the inexperienced the above table allows the individual to have a greater understanding and a method of communicating what they will do, will explore and what they will not do.

Remember this is based on my experiences and everyones Limits and boundaries are different and will be communicated and is as individual and unique as the person.

Creating your own table, allows you to add this to your own learning and can be be used as a reference of learning on what activities are there and enable you to research them and communicate your needs. As you hear of new activities or terms within the BDSM sphere, I encourage you to get a better understanding of them and what they potentially could mean for you.

In a D/s or M/s that is established there has been trust built and many discussions on such topic so I would argue the table would look more like this for the more established or experienced BDSM player who is in a D/s or M/s.

HARD LIMITS Exploration
Scat All BDSM Activities except those mentioned on my hard limits. This inculdes activities that I am not aware of or new activities that you desire. Negotiation and communication necessary as we explore. Trust is of essence.

Statement of Fact: I identify as gay, therefore I wish to keep my identity in tact whist participating and consenting to agreed and negotiated BDSM Activities.

Vomit
Diapers
Woman’s Clothing
Animals
Children
Scarification
Hooks

It is always encouraged for you to explore; experience and create your own unique identity within your BDSM, kink or pup community.

 

Disclaimer: Please note that the information and tables in this blog post are that of my own experience and from my own perspective, no way I am telling the reader how they should approach BDSM or their limits and boundaries. I hope that this post has been informative.

 

Pup Spanky

 

 

 

The Difference Between BDSM & Abuse Part II

In Part I – It was Illustrated a commonly used comparative flow charts between BDSM and Abuse to hi-light the differences between the two.

In Part II, It is my intention to take this a step further and break it down a little more:

The following Principles and Guidelines are intended to help law enforcement and social services professionals understand the difference between abusive relationships vs. consensual sadomasochism (BDSM). BDSM includes a broad and complex group of behaviors between consenting adults involving the consensual exchange of power, and the giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or mental discipline.

BDSM includes: “intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given.”

Abuse is: “Physical, sexual or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent.”

 The common dominator in the two threads is the difference between informed ‘Consent’  that is freely given verses an act that consent has not been given or withdrawn, and in this case it can be deemed as abuse. 

Principles
The BDSM-Leather-Fetish communities recognize the phrase “Safe, Sane, Consensual” as the best brief summary of principles guiding BDSM practices:

Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.

Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.

Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a “safeword” which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture.

Guidelines
Informed consent must be judged by balancing the following criteria for each encounter at the time the acts occurred:

  1. Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?
  2. Were there factors that negated the informed consent?
  3. What is the relationship of the participants?
  4. What was the nature of the activity?
  5. What was the intent of the accused abuser?

Whether an individual’s role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:

  1. Are your needs and limits respected?
  2. Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?
  3. Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
  4. Can you function in everyday life?
  5. Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
  6. Can you insist on safe sex practices?
  7. Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?
  8. Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?
  9. Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?
  10. Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?

These guidelines were created by activists and leaders at the Leather Leadership Conference in 1998.

Source

Now lets look at consent and an easy way to look at this is through ‘Tea’…

Now if you do not have consent for sex or as depicted in the video above ‘Tea’, then that is a form of abuse.

Doing something against a persons will is abuse. In BDSM, communication and agreement is key to a successful BDSM Scene, play space or relationship. In short negotiation is the underlying principal of BDSM. This inculdes the use safe words or signals. All parties involved are upfront with each other and there is an agreement between the parties to what they consent or not consent to, and how safe words work to remove consent or let the other participant(s) know that they are no longer comfortable with the scene. This can be referred to as limits, some people have soft limits, whilst others have limits they would like to explore. So what about ‘Hard Limits’ – These are generally areas that are off bounds. These limits must be respected. In a healthy BDSM relationship limits and what has been agreed to are respected, in and abusive relationship they are not.

 


Im not saying that in BDSM relationships that there is not abuse, sadly there is.

A great essay to read on this very topic, was written by Jan Hall and the author has authorized for the essay to be redistributed.

Source: Pandora’s Project

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE S/M COMMUNITY

From the program of the International S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; text provided by Jan Hall. The Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction and redistribution of this information so please feel free to distribute this.

Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.

Domestic is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person’s size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.

Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.

Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.

  • Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
  • Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
  • Are you afraid of your partner?
  • Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be “agreed” upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
  • Has she or he ever violated your limits?
  • Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
  • Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
  • Do you feel obligated to have sex?
  • Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
  • Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
  • Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
  • Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
  • Does your partner limit access to work or material resources?
  • Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
  • Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
  • Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
  • Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
  • Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
  • Do you feel that you can’t discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

 

No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors.

There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.

Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.

WE CAN REDUCE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person’s behaviors.

Leather groups in our are crucial to reducing violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.

Domestic Violence have of late been a topic of much discussion, and the previous Australian of the year Rosie Batty, put domestic violence and abuse front and centre, and also moved for many positive reforms in Australia. This also allowed abuse to be brought out of the shadows and allowing the subject to be on the national agenda. However with everything mainstream, BDSM is not a discussion point, even with the clear differences between Abuse and BDSM as previously illustrated.

Kinky abuse and community response

The question before me is, what do we do about kinky abuse? BDSM practitioners are a group of people who engage in activities that often closely resemble abuse, and sometimes that play crosses over the line into actual abuse. Sometimes this abuse is accidental, the result of a scene gone wrong, but other times it is downright purposeful. While I suspect that the incidence of abuse is lower within the BDSM community than outside it (and surveys such as this one seem to confirm), there are still a certain number of habitual abusers within our ranks. Worse, abusive people can use the trappings of BDSM to disguise their abuse. What can we do about these people? How can we as a community (to the extent we are a community or multiple communities) identify and stop abusers?

When confronted with this issue, a common first response seems to be to refer it to the legal system. After all, abusive kinky situations do make it into court, so the idea is that we should let the usual authorities do the work of regulating abuse within the community, as they do outside the community. I consider this a cop-out (no pun intended). The law, the police, and the state have failed to significantly reduce abuse outside the community, and there is every reason to think that they will be even less effective when dealing with the BDSM subculture.

Much as it might be popular to show dominatrices and kinky marriage scenes in mainstream movies, BDSM play remains a marginalized activity, one that is nominally illegal in most places. Because it fails to distinguish between kink and abuse, the law itself is therefore insufficient to handle this sort of situation, and there is no reason to think that courts, juries, and police officers will be any better. In fact, the failure of the law in this regard is evident in the composition of the jury: if it were truly a jury of one’s peers, there would be twelve kinksters sitting in it.

Also, depending on legal remedies will of course fail those BDSM practitioners who are marginalized in various ways beyond their BDSM practice. It is foolish to expect that African-Americans, Latinoamericano/as, queers, and people in poverty will be able to get a fair hearing in a kinky abuse case (either as plaintiff or defendant) given that they often do not get such a hearing even when kink is not in play.

We cannot depend on the law to handle abuse. To the extent that we are able, we need to develop extralegal mechanisms around kinky abuse, not just to protect community members from abuse, but to find positive ways to rehabilitate abusers. (Prison, it should be noted, does not rehabilitate violent actors in most cases.) After all, the BDSM community is all about creating positive pursuits for what would otherwise be destructive behavior. If we can teach people to administer serious beatings that are still safe, then we should be able to teach people to overcome their abusive tendencies. The rest of this essay will focus on things we as a community can do that can be found at the source, The view points in the rest of the essay are that not of my own and many of the recommendations I do not agree with, so if you wish to read the authors view points on community responses please read the essay in full.

What I feel needs to occur is that resources and workshops are made available within the community outlining the differences between BDSM and Abuse.  These need to focus on both the victim and the abuser, one providing kink-specific resources allowing those who may be crossing the lines into abuse materials that will educate to ensure they understand and know the difference. This also ensures an education program that provides and understanding and underlying values of SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), and PRICK – (personal responsibility informed consensual kink).

 

What is BDSM?

Normally I would illustrate this at the start, but I have already written a blog article on the definition so, for all intended purposes I am going to illustrate in the diagram below the definition of BDSM that I use for all my writings:

BDSM_acronym.svg

BDSM vs. Abuse

  1. Safe, sane and consensual play is the standard of the organised SM community; it relies on the use of a “safe-word” or “Safe-signal” that allows the submissive or bottom participant to stop the action at any time. Without informed consent, it is not BDSM, it is abuse.
  2. BDSM always requires free, informed consent of all parties involved. A propensity to violence is therefore a fallacy, since the only time we engage in BDSM behaviors is with our partners.
  3. It is an inherent fact that BDSM practitioners take great care to make sure that their activities are as safe as possible. In many cases BDSM does not feel like it looks or can be interpreted by an ill-informed individual looking in from the outside.
  4. BDSM partners do not have to apologise to each other. Instead, they are happy and satisfied. Unlike abuse or violence, where one party has not given informed consent to the activity.
  5. It should be noted that Children or anyone under the age of consent cannot give informed consent, therefore are never a part of BDSM activity. And if a minor is then that is abuse.
  6. BDSM happens in the context of an erotic relationship. Just as context helps differentiate between an organised boxing match and a street brawl.
  7. Technical reference material and participation in organised groups provide the tell-tale signs for differences between BDSM and violence or abuse.
  8. Tell tale signs of the differences between Probable Cause and Consensual BDSM:

a)      Signs of significant preparation. e.g.. Adult toys, music, bondage furniture, lubricants and safety supplies.
b)      Restraints. Abusers tend to restrain their victims with fear and intimidation, not safety clips and quick releases.
c)      We call emergency services in a medical emergency, not when there are loud noises.
d)      The availability of mentors, reference materials and technical guides.

NOTE: The above information was gathered from the NCSF Law Enforcement Information Project of Consensual SM Activities. The purpose of which is to provide law enforcement with a basic understanding about adults whose sexuality and lovemaking includes BDSM activities and to provide them with information to assist when they encounter an BDSM event.To further the idea of the differences between SM and abuse, I found other information that may also be useful when dealing with Law enforcement.

1.      SM rarely results in facial marks or marks that are received on the forearms (defensive marks).
2.      There is usually an even pattern of marks if it is SM, indicating the bottom held quite still during the stimulation.
3.      The marks are often quite well-defined when inflicted by a toy like cane or whip, whereas in abuse there are blotches of soft-tissue bruising, randomly distributed.
4.      The common areas for SM stimulation is on the buttocks, thighs, back, breasts, or the genitals. The fleshy parts of the body can be stimulated intensely and pleasurably.

Two Definitions of Abuse

“An abusive relationship is one in which substantial physical, mental, or emotional harm is inflicted, that is not temporary in nature, and is not clearly compensated for by positive and loving experiences over a long period of time.” — by louise, 1997″Acts inflicted on a person without their freely given consent.” — Leather Leadership Conference III, Statement on Abuse, San Francisco, April 16-18,1999

D/s or Abuse?

D/s is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting adult partners. Abuse is about the breach of trust between an authority figure and the person in their care.
D/s is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people. Abuse is about the lack of respect that one person demonstrates to another person.
D/s is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure. Abuse is about a form of out-of-control physical violence and/or personal or emotional degradation of the submissive.
D/s is about loving each other completely and without reservation in an alternate way. Abuse is hurtful. It is also very damaging emotionally and spiritually to the submissive.
D/s frees a submissive from the restraints of years of vanilla conditioning to explore a buried part of herself. Abuse binds a submissive to a lonely and solitary life of shame, fear and secrecy… imprisoning her very soul.
D/s builds self-esteem as a person discovers and embraces their long hidden sexuality. Abuse shatters and destroys a person’s self-esteem and leaves self-hatred in its place.
SM Abuse
An SM scene is a controlled situation. Abuse is an out-of-control situation.
Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene. One person determines what will happen.
Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties. No consent is asked for or given.
The bottom has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons. The person being abused cannot stop what is happening.
Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others. No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person.
The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene. Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.
After an SM scene, the people involved feel good. After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad.

This article is partially based on material produced by:
American National Leather Association
Dutch S&M Media Information Center
POWERoticsFeel free to redistribute, but please make reference to these sources:
Resources:
Safe Link
c/o The Domestic Violence Education Project
National Leather Association
548 Castro Street #444
San Francisco, CA 99114
1 415 863 2444

Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project
Hotline: 212 807 0197
647 Hudson Street
New York NY 10014
Kink Aware Professionals
DSAbuse
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1 800 799 7233

SSC

And since we say, “Safe, Sane and Consensual” so often, I figured I’d give you some background to what that means.The community-wide standard of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was codified more than ten years ago.
1.      Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
This includes protection against HIV, STDs, and hepatitis. It also includes notifying your partner of any physical condition that may impact on the scene, like asthma, bad back, epilepsy, etc. It also includes psychological safety, such as you were abused as a child and don’t like a particular part of your body touched.
The SM community concerns itself with safety issues by supporting educational and social organizations that teach people the proper way to use their equipment. Such as: how to tie wrists without putting pressure on the insides; how to properly clean equipment; which areas on the body are unsafe to stimulate.
2.      Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane includes being of clear mind, and the community strongly recommends that mind-altering substances should be avoided during a scene that impair judgment.
3.      Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through the “safeword” .
If it’s nonconsensual, then it’s abuse or assault. SM must be consensual.

RACK

Another alternative for Safe, Sane and Consensual, is Risk Aware Consensual Kink, or RACK. RACK is used by some internet-based players, by those who don’t necessarily agree with the subjectivity of Safe, Sane and Consensual, and certain others. Some people who are extremely”edgy” in their play habits also admit that they use the term “Risk Aware Consensual” in place of SSC. RACK’s main focus is on pre-negotiation with detailed informed consent, rather than the focus on the safety issues at hand. Those involved in these risky play behaviors, consider themselves well educated enough that they are willing to overlook certain safety precautions in order to enjoy the pain and the danger. RACK assumes better negotiations, as well as more detailed informed consent, than concern over the safety of the play. Most well established BDSM groups, clubs and private parties consider SSC much more appropriate for SM play than RACK.

To determine if informed consent has been reached, you can ask the following questions:
a)      Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn? (similar to rape standards, if one of the participants withdraws consent during the activity, that must be respected)
b)      Were there factors that negated the informed consent? (alcohol impairment, drug use, underage participants)
c)      What is the relationship of the participants? (first encounter or long-term partner?)
d)      What was the nature of the activity? (did it cause permanent harm, was it unsafe, was it enjoyable?)
e)      What was the intent of the accused abuser? (to cause pleasure, to gain dominance, to hurt?)The above information was gathered from various sources, including Tammad Rimilia’s web site.

PRICK

Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Finally PRICK was coined to add another degree of complexity into the BDSM dynamics and that is to add personal responsibility, similar to that of RACK where the focus is on pre-negotiation with detailed informed consent, but ‘PRICK’ adds a layer of the persons personal responsibility to be informed, and risk aware, moving back to taking into safety as an element of PRICK. Safety is an important component of personal responsibility as you are personally responsible to be informed and maintain a safe scene, and this is for both the Dominant and the submissive.

As above it is essential to ensure informed consent is reached between all parties involved in the BDSM activities.

Sadomasochism Isn’t What It Used to Be
or
Why Would Anyone Participate in S/M

Copyright © 2000 by Keith L. Kendrick, RN, Ch.
NOTE: Keith Kendrick is a Portland, Oregon Top who wrote the following essay. Permission to reprint this is freely granted, but please email him at Keith and let him know.

In major American cities today small groups of otherwise relatively normal people get together to discuss, and to a lesser extent practice, S/M. But wait a minute — doesn’t S/M mean one person who enjoys deliberately inflicting pain on another person who, for some reason, likes receiving that pain?

The answer certainly is yes, but to understand why these people gather to discuss and practice S/M, you first need to understand the difference between the old, traditional mainstream concept of sadism and masochism and the newer concept of S/M that is currently being practiced in a healthy manner. In the old concept, a sadist was usually someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on a person who had not consented to it, and a masochist was someone who felt compelled to experience the pain though it was usually considered “sick” to enjoy it. Furthermore, these participants usually had a significant psychological imbalance or disorder, and their S/M activities quite often could easily cause long term harm, both physically and mentally.

The people who gather today to form small communities and even clubs devoted to S/M enthusiasts are very different from this old concept. Before discussing this difference though, let’s examine the perception and image of pain. When most people think of pain, they attach very negative connotations to it, and the more negative the connotation, the more likely they are to think the experience of pain is awful. However, in some cultures the stoic endurance of pain has been viewed as a character builder, and consequently in such cultures it is not always thought of as something bad. In a similar vein, in medical “pain clinics” people are taught to change their thinking towards pain so that the “hurt” doesn’t bother them as much. Many of these pain clinic patients also report that as a result of creating a new attitude towards dealing with physical pain, they have made similar attitude changes and corresponding improvements in other aspects of their lives as well.

Another facet of pain is found in the “runners high,” which also occurs in some other sports activities. In this type of “high,” as a result of exhausting physical exertion people experience muscle pain that causes the body to produce endorphins, which is a natural pain-killing response. Endorphins are similar to morphine and produce pleasurable euphoric feelings. They are also a significant factor in why some people can discover pleasure in feeling pain, but there are other factors as well.

Now back to the new versus the old concept of S/M. In contrast to the old concept, this new S/M has come to emphasize the motto of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” This means that the S/M “play” is done in such a manner that will not cause or transmit any long term physically disabling injury or disease. Foremost is the concern with disabling muscle, skeletal or nerve injury, and the transmission of hepatitis and AIDS’s viruses as well as other diseases.

Secondly, this means that the S/M play is to be engaged in by participants who are free of significant mental impairment, whether by psychological disturbance or disorder, or by mind-altering substances.

Then each participant must willingly consent to whatever S/M activity that is performed. If during an S/M “play scene” one person indicates he or she wishes to stop, whether through a prearranged signal or an outright request, then the other person must stop immediately. Of course this requires prior communication–and people who don’t communicate well usually don’t do well in this type of S/M.

One element of the contemporary S/M scene is also associated with the safe, sane and consensual motto: respect and tolerance for other people. Most people in S/M communities act with respect towards each other even though they may dislike certain aspects of some members– this is what is meant by tolerance. Those who don’t follow this implicit rule are usually quite effectively ostracized from the group. About the only time tolerance is not shown is when someone engages in activities that are not regarded as safe, sane, and consensual, or when someone expresses hate or hostility based on unjust discrimination.

Something else also occurs due to the growth of S/M communities: their members form close relationships and often these relationships become somewhat spiritual in nature, much as the bonds that develop between “churchgoers” can enrich their spiritual lives.

Another development in this new S/M is the spiritual growth from an individual perspective, whether from that of the giver (the “top”) or the receiver (the “bottom”). This spiritual development occurs as a result of learning greater self-mastery, either in the sense of developing the ability to administer pain in such a manner that ultimately provides pleasure, or in the sense of learning to approach pain as a challenge to meet and come to enjoy. Sometimes these two perspectives will be combined in one person (who is indeed fortunate) in his or her ability to “switch” between “top” and “bottom” roles. And sometimes the development of this self- mastery becomes a varying combination of artistic and athletic expression, though it usually would be judged extreme by our cultural norms.

But regardless of whether one is a top, bottom, or switch, the accompanying inner growth brings a sense of satisfaction and sometimes real joy. Then when such personal growth is shared with someone of a similar mind in an S/M play setting, and you know you are enriching the other persons psychic/spiritual life, the energy between the two people is multiplied in a synergistic effect known as a “power exchange.” This synergy is further enhanced when the power exchange takes place among like-minded members of the S/M community.

There are also other reasons why people are attracted to this relatively new style of S/M. Some people enjoy its rebellious quality of going against society’s taboos and cultural norms. For many the allure of S/M would be significantly reduced if the majority of people were openly practicing it. But there probably isn’t much need to worry about this happening in the near future. And by no means insignificant, the thrill of doing something that goes against cultural norms, as well as the stimulation of pain itself, can cause the body to produce extra adrenaline that can be very exhilarating.

Furthermore, for many people the practice of this contemporary S/M leads to what many psychologists refer to as “flow.” This is a pleasurable and virtually universally sought after psychological experience in which a person is so immersed in his or her experience that to a great extent the “self” is forgotten and time becomes significantly altered, and the person feels enriched from the experience. This is similar to the flow experience that artists and athletes often experience. And just as extreme sports enthusiasts such as skydivers and motorcycle racers often experience this enriching state of being, so do practitioners of this new blend of art and sport called S/M.

Though this style of S/M may be an extreme in comparison to most of what society enjoys, rather than being “sick,” as some people who have narrow minds would call it, it can lead to a multifaceted enrichment of one’s spirituality. Lastly though, safe, sane and consensual S/M is simply fun–or at least it should be. If you don’t enjoy it, you shouldn’t be doing it. But if you don’t enjoy it–which is fine, not everyone needs to–please be opened minded enough to allow others the freedom to enrich their lives with it. After all, the individual’s freedom to pursue happiness is the foundation that our country was built on.

By providing various extracts and views from different authors, and including my expressions of my experiences I hope that I have provided an informative article(s) on the difference between BDSM and Abuse. I am always happy to have a robust discussion on this topic, and to be provided with any other resources or articles that can assist with better education and removal of stigma from our beautiful communities that have the various sub cultures of BDSM and Leather.

Once again communication, trust and education is important in building positive BDSM relationships, and removing the stigma around them.

 

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pupSpanky Logo Final V1.S

 

The Difference Between BDSM & Abuse Part I

The difference Between BDSM & Abuse 1Difference between BDSM & Abuse 2 The difference between BDSM & Abuse 3 The difference between BDSM & Abuse 4 The difference between BDSM & Abuse 5

 

 

TheDifferenceBetweenBDSMAndAbuse

Information Source: The BDSM Training Academy

Part I – Has been taken directly from the BDSM Training Academy Blog post – no part of the above material is my own work, however I agree with the message conveyed and support the science behind the image above. Similar materials have been used world wide when looking at abuse victims and the cycle of domestic abuse. The BDSM Cycle is what BDSM partitioners preach, only better illustrated.  The comparison between the two demonstrate clearly the difference between BDSM and Abuse.

Having a comparative illustration demonstrated by the BDSM Training Academy, is a tool that allows for the reader to be informed, allowing a person not in BDSM or is new to BDSM to have an understanding of the difference between consensual and non consensual acts between adults.

Remember there is no need for abuse in an healthy BDSM relationship. In my opinion  – Trust, Communication, Respect and above all love is what constitutes a healthy D/s and/or BDSM dynamic that may or may not be a partnership. Reading many case studies where the case study illustrates that they are, would be described as a vanilla partnership, experiment with BDSM practices including changing their relationship type to either M/s or D/s  have reported a much stronger, healthier and trusting relationship prior to their exploration of BDSM.

Reference: Master Slave Handbook.