This is an extract from my Leather Journal. Sir has encouraged me to share this journal. For me, it demonstrates the beautiful and powerful connection between a Sir and a Sub and how this connection extends well beyond any BDSM scene; calming the ebb and flow of an angry and restless tide. Sir, Thank you.
As I was on my way to the dungeon on October 31st, I entertained the idea of calling you and cancelling our session. I was scared to see you. I am comfortable in expressing my vulnerability, however I do not like to show my weaknesses.
That morning, I not only felt vulnerable but I felt worn down, confused and lost. What scared me, though was that I felt I was unable to cloak my weakness. I felt that as soon as I entered the dungeon and saw you that I was going to drop down to my knees in an emotional heap, tearing my shirt open, exposing me as a weak and undeserving being.
I have always been told my face tells a thousand stories, and my eyes tell no lies. I knew that upon meeting your gaze, that weakness, that vulnerability would be immediately on display to you. As a sub, I felt worthless, as a being, I felt embarrassed and incapable.
Upon entering, the smell of incense and the melodic sounds began to instantly soothe my energy and they beckoned me to enter. As I entered I was immediately washed with the sense of being like a boat on the ocean, floundering in a stormy and chaotic sea, unable to secure the anchor to the ocean depths. Then when you revealed yourself from behind the curtain, your image to me was that of a deep ocean-mooring buoy, offering me a place to steady myself, and a refuge from the violent weather.
Over the next minutes I felt those waters calm to an ocean that began to offer hope for a safe harbour. For you to welcome me into your arms in that space, in that time, was a privilege and a treasured memory and gift.
I had not had given much thought to the forthcoming session, but I also knew that I was in the mood and head space that I thrive in; the space that I feel most comfortable in; and the very head space I had been waiting to be in. This was the space in which I have envisaged me offering myself to be flogged and caned to your most extreme in which you remained feeling comfortable.
I wanted to be taken to my knees in a bleeding mess, left quivering, totally expelled of energy. I wanted all the pain, hurt and tiredness freed in the blood that would drip from my open wounds. When I saw your tools on the bed, my thoughts immediately went to the ‘dice-game’ and my desire was about to be realised that morning.
Then you requested that I think of a ritual to mark the start of our sessions. I had not even entertained the thought that you would ever make that request of me.
The self-deprecation, loathing and hatred I felt towards myself was going to be my tool, it was going to serve to cleanse me. As soon as my skin was pressed against the cool coarse grain of the cross, and I felt those ties and binds fasten I immediately went to my place. I am able to rest my head against the cross, gain security from its weight and stand motionless and happy as I receive your lashes.
As you may reflect upon and agree, when assuming the position on the cross, I immediately went to that place. Then something amazing, and as equally challenging and unexpected occurred. You fucked me! That has been part of my fantasies in my sessions with you, but I never thought that it was even a possibility! This threw me for a little.
More significantly, is the fact that it was the first time that I had been flogged and fucked. The two for me have never co-existed, but I have always wanted them to, but am scared that by linking the two, somehow it will lessen my enjoyment. I also received some degree of self-pride from the fact that that when I am being flogged etc., it is a ‘pure experience.’ I am so glad you helped me explore and extend my own imposed limitations. However, It was not that which prompted me to abruptly end our session.
It was that single drop of sweat falling from your brow onto the small of my back. That moment, that droplet of sweat broke the surface of the sweat on my back, the pain, the self deprecation and loathing, dissipated and rippled away.
For the first time, that desire for that relief was found in a capacity to recognise that I had just experienced a momentous moment that left me rather bewildered but proud of myself. As I said, I was in that space. What more, I was being fucked by you.
I could not believe, that I not only stopped the flogging that I dreamed of but I was so wanting to just be fucked till my arse was no longer of any use to you on that day. On that day, I decided to be kind to myself and to nurture myself. I have been learning to do that since we have started our sessions with each other, and how important it is to recognise when self-care is needed. Although, I do now feel like punching myself in the head (just joking).
Normally, I would of just taken it gladly and relished in it only leaving once bleeding and broken. But that drop of sweat, that day, did what every cane and flogger could ever of. That fucking was mind bending. The combination, mind-blowing!
I also was reminded in that moment of my own sub-conscious self talk that day. I knew I had plans with ******* that evening, and that we would lie in each other’s arms all night just cuddling and talking. I knew that if I was bleeding and wounded, I could not allow that to occur. So I also decided a whole night of just laying in the arms of another was also a gift I was going to grant myself that day.
I am afraid on some level that I let you down and I missed or ruined an amazing opportunity. I can only hope that Sir would desire to pound my arse again in the future. I would value the opportunity to demonstrate my capacity as a very accommodating, experienced sub that is very grateful. I do hope that by ending the session early, I did not reflect anything but a desire to serve.
I did mention, how significant Hallows Eve is for me. For the first time though, it brings with it the opportunity for growth. An opportunity for knowledge and nourishment for my onward leather journey.