While I am not the author it is a good piece of writing and I felt it was an important aspect of pup play or the broader pet play…
PET PLAY: non-sexual activities to do with your ⋆ CANINE ⋆
While I was going through the SFW pet play tag, I realise that it was all dedicated to littles and kittens and I thought to myself “😑😑😑”. So I decided to make a post about non-sexual and SFW activities you can do with your pup, wolf, fox, dog, etc. Please remember that even though canines are not as affectionate as kittens (although pups might be), they need attention as well.
Go for a walk in the woods/around the block
Practice learning different tricks (sit, lie down, fetch, etc.)
Grooming (hair brushing, nail painting, etc.)
Go swimming at the local pool/lake/ocean
Trying on gear
Playing with chew toys
Receiving treats for doing things correctly
Pouncing, jumping, rolling, etc. (foxes especially)
Chewing on beef jerky/roast to get those back molars working
Eating/drinking from a bowl
Wrestling with fellow canines/your owner
“Hunting” for a toy hidden by your owner
Taking photos in your gear/different poses
Playing outside with the hose (spraying your pet is super fun tbh)
Watching TV/a movie together
Playing dress up (pups especially)
Playing with their hair (tying it up, brushing it, etc.)
[ *please remember to be respectful when going out in public, as some people might not be prepared to see whatever it is you’re going to do. Remember that, even though it’s SFW, pet play is still considered a kink, so keep it PG while in the park, the pool, around the neighborhood, etc. ]
Before I write this, I firstly want to reassure everyone that this is not an article that informs the reader on how they should or should not be a submissive, boy or pup. Rather this article is drawn from my experiences and how I navigated between the different headspaces. It should be noted that no one person is the same, and has different experiences, some purely identify as pups while others as slaves, submissive, Handlers, Dominates, etc. And some are switches or have a combination which makes them that unique individual. Why go to so much trouble stating the obvious? Because in my experience you need to.
Why this subject, I get to that shortly… Firstly a bit about how I play, I identify as male, am gay, and part of my identity includes being a leather pup, sometimes a skin pup… Yet there are other sides of my kinky self, I love all forms of BDSM, I am a submissive, while very bratty and challenging to any Dom, many consider me an Alpha in my communities, yet I also identify as a boy. Why is this important, I am hopeful that this allow the reader to see where I draw my experiences from.
You got my ball?
This subject was chosen for me, by a Dominant who while we were interacting was able to observe me fluidity switch between head-spaces, from pup, to boy, to puppy to brat and back again. Mostly my personas are submissive.
What is head-space or sub-space: the term headspace or one of its variations such as sub space, puppy space, drop and other such terms. What does this mean? Head space is generally considered to be an altered state of consciousness within BDSM play that is used to ‘lose yourself’ in a scene. It is described as a state of mind whereby the body’s endorphin’s, enkephalin’s and adrenaline take over the mind and produce a morphine like effect. It’s what takes over our mind when we engage in various activities, some considered risky sexual practices, or Animal play such as pup play (that may have nothing to do with a sexual act)
It varies between individuals, but head space is a period whereby there is an altered state of reality. Headspace is a period whereby the individual enters an altered psychological state that manifests itself into physical and emotional actions, images, feelings and thoughts that have been brought on by a dramatic increase in adrenaline and endorphin that will occur during a scene. It’s hard to explain without sounding odd – but let’s try…. To see full article BDSM Headspace
Above I mentioned pup space and puppy space, I define these two differently, one is almost the state that I am in mostly and that is like a pup headspace, that shares my thoughts with the happenings of the real world around me, and then there is puppy-space, now for me that can be either, headspace only, so being in the moment right now or sexual or both, depending on the environment or the scene.
Boy space for me is similar to what many in the Kink community refer to as sub-space. The boy is the one out of all my submissive spaces and will be happy partaking in the heavier BDSM activities.
The pup or puppy are much softer headspaces, and sometimes do not involve any BDSM activities except the D/s Dynamic component. There may not be any sexual acts that occur, and while this can be debated to the hill by both sides of the argument to what constitutes a sexual act, for now this is a debate that I will not engage in.
When in a scene that may cross over or evolve from pup to puppy to boy or even handler requires the learned ability to do this in a way that is fluid without causing undue stress on the mental capacity to cope with the various stimulation of the activity at present or damaging (hurting) the space that your currently in while traversing or transitioning to the next head-space and sometimes back again. At times this may be having both headspaces in the fore front at the same time, which takes a lot of energy, both mental and emotionally.
An example of this; if I Pup out as Scout and then Spanky pup comes to the fore front or even the boy. They each have their own unique persona and traits that can be identified as their own. They are different states of consciousness.
The BDSM scene has had an insight into this with the idea of that being in an “head space” is imperative to a scene. What being in a head space entails is an altered psychological state which is induced by adrenaline and endorphin spikes that often occur during a scene. Often the scene manifests into specific actions, feelings and thought processes which may or may not normally exist outside that scene. The practice often prepares the body for the activity that is occurring, or about to occur depending on the scene. The ‘head space’ is a crucial aspect to the enjoyment of a scene and immersing one’s self into the activity taking place. This is known as being “in the zone” or being in the “in the moment”. Surely such an ideology can transcend into sexual practices? If each individual has a different head space that they use when they experience sex, it can lead to them experiencing a different type of sex. If we consider it, this would explain the idea of emotional sex, passionate sex, lustful sex, primal sex and the variety of different activities that occur. It could also explain the idea of masturbatory regret. For example, masturbatory regret is the idea that an individual feels shame and embarrassment at the type of sexual stimulation that they were using in the quest to achieve sexual climax. In BDSM and fetishes head space is something that can occur with any of the individuals within a specific scene. Head space is often labelled by their role in the scene. For example, subspace, top space, Dom space, pony space and puppy space.
After many discussion with various community members, I have coined the idea of a headspace cycle. The cycle is to assist in illustrating how entering into headspace for a play scene or event may look like. Of course this is on my experiences, and may differ from person to person, as many things do in this community and a person’s psyche.
The human psyche is the mind or soul. It is the centre of an individual’s emotions, thought and behaviour. The psyche controls the individual’s response to his environment. The etymology of the word refers to the animating spirit of the individual.
According to McLeod; Sigmund Freud defined the human psyche as consisting of the id, ego and superego. According to Freud, these three aspects of the psyche developed at different stages of maturity. The id is impulsive and demands immediate satisfaction, while the ego helps to mediate its demands with the real world. The super ego incorporates the values and norms of the world around the individual.
Carl Jung further refined the description of the psyche to include a collective unconsciousness. He saw the psyche as existing since birth. Jung taught that the psyche was not just the result of one’s environment. He spoke of the self as the whole of the psyche, the persona as the part of the psyche that developed for personal convenience, and the shadow as carrying the things an individual was unwilling to admit about himself.
Cognitive psychology, which gained popularity in the 1950s and 1960s, after Freud and Jung, prefers the word mind to psyche. It teaches that the way to understand behaviour is to understand the workings of the brain in processing information. Cognitive psychology remains the most popular school of thought as of 2014.
According to Freud’s model of the psyche, “the id is the primitive and instinctual part of the mind that contains sexual and aggressive drives and hidden memories…”
Therefore Headspace would certainly be a part of Freud’s id, the original thought of the headspace cycle was, Engaging persona – entering head space – deep headspace – returning to real life (RL) – Drop. As like any idea, with thought, guidance and discussion I further developed the model to create a more in-depth cycle as illustrated below.
Engaging Persona – In my experience as I enter a play scene, a mosh, much or a kinky environment or event that will cause a response, thus allowing me to engage one of my personas, similar to when I am about to start work in the Kitchen, It could be argued that we all have a professional persona, therefore I have a chef persona. When attending an event such as a MOSH normally Pup Scout is engaged and commences entering into headspace. This does not mean that half way through the event or even the scene that Spanky wont want to be engaged, commencing the cycle of engaging a different persona and entering into headspace.
Entering Headspace – This is where you generally considered to be entering into an altered state of consciousness, this would be the beginning, the triggers that make you tick and start to prepare for the scene or event ahead.
In Headspace – You have gone past the triggers of engaging the desired headspace or persona and are now in what many refer to as the zone, sub / dom space or puppy space. This is when the characteristics of the persona start to come to the for front and you engaging your desires the primitive and instinctual part of your altered state of consciousness.
Deep Headspace – This is different for each individual, however here I generally feel there are different levels if this altered state of consciousness, similar to that of sleep patterns, you have different levels so the deeper you go the higher the level of headspace, making it more difficult to return to RL in a shorter period. Another analogy of this is the higher the high so the more naturally occurring chemicals which are exhibited the bigger the potential drop can be, this is both for sub and Dom.
Coming Out of Headspace: Returning to Real Life (RL) – This is the stage when play or the scene or event is coming to an end, and you commence the transition back to RL. At this stage after care may also be provided, and should be where ever required. This stage of the cycle may be long or short it depends on the individual, their experience and how deep they were in headspace. There are various methods different people use to return to RL thinking. Keep in mind that after care may be required after this stage, as some people may continue to ride the wave of the the high experienced from the activity whilst in the zone or headspace. I have know both Dom’s and subs to ride this wave for up to 3 days.
While in RL mode, you may still have parts of your persona out, this is an individual trait, for me a part of my puppy-ish ways or bratty side is always on display… If you experience a wave of these wonderful emotions then you need to understand that this is natural, but aftercare must be considered as essential to the planning of any event or activity.
Drop – (sometimes called subdrop, Dom drop and “The Mondays”) is an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense SM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes after the adrenaline and endorphin spikes that may occur during a scene. Drops may occur straight after the scene or even hours or a couple of days latter, also event drops occur as we generally use a lot of energy whist at a kinky event – see link for full article: BDSM WIKI – DROP
Reflection: This may not always occur, but many of us do reflect on the event or scene that we have just endured, as it may be gentle or a little rough to extreme. This reflection is normal, as it helps with growth and development and enables us to create better connections with either our Dominate or submissive.
Multiple Headspaces: If indeed that there is a headspace cycle, as described above each different headspace would also have its own beginning and end, with potential overlaps. Visualising this is complex as this experience would be as individual and unique for each person or even each activity. Meaning if someone was able to traverse through various headspaces (keeping in mind that some kinky people may only have one space) they may be indifferent stages of the cycle, they may not even complete the cycle and stay in a suspend state of that headspace while they experience the other. An example is if I am in puppy headspace and I move into another form of heavier activity such as impact play with maybe the combination of restraints and rope, the pup may transition to the boy space while at the same time transverse with the sexualised side. Therefore while the pup may still be somewhat engaged he moves to the back while the boy who is now more engaged moves to the for-front.
The further issue with this is returning back to real life as the scene or event finishes all headspaces return back to their real life state. Then we have the drops so the pup for me is known to drop much faster then the boy, so while the boy may still be riding the wave from the scene the pup may not be travelling so well, and drop from the experience.
The Effects of slipping between Headspaces:
As I have not been able to find much written about slipping between Headspaces in BDSM, this is purely based on my own experiences.
Traversing between different personas and headspaces, I have experienced this several times during an event or a scene. What I have experienced when traversing through headspaces is that I tend to drop at different times, with the various personas. I can say for sure it is a roller coaster ride, the best way to describe it is one half wants to curl up and have cuddles or feel shitty, the other side is riding a high of what just occurred. This then causes the side on the down to want to re-engagement the activity to get another experience, commencing the cycle from the start, or not completing the cycle… causing for further overlapping. A state of confusion may occur, where you question why you feeling down and at the same time so great, causing what many refer to as a mind fuck.
You may even question your own abilities or identity. Without clarity it may prevent future engagement with the personas and finding it more difficult to drop into headspace, meaning you may not be able to play. This may also put strain on the D/s if not communicated and discussed.
Open Communication is key to any successful D/s relationship.
The issue I found when I tried reengage the cycle again to try and get a lift on the persona that is having the drop, this is not only is this both time consuming, and in our current lifestyles we are generally all time poor, but it also takes a lot of energy, commitment by both the Dominant and the submissive. I also ignore why I was feeling low and not allow the time needed to readjust.
This can certainly take its impact on the various sub spaces, as it is my belief you need to complete the cycle and have the required aftercare and allow yourself to return to RL sate. If you are playing with one dominate, it can also have a burden impact on them as you will be consuming more of the energies required for such a extension of the session, and the additional aftercare that is now required. Remember we are time poor and this needs to always be factored in.
A negative consequence on the Dominant preventing them from providing their own care as they are more concerned with the submissive who is experiencing a potential high and drop at the same time, whilst reflecting and having to return to RL.
If your playing with more then one dominate, you may be able to have additional play, but be aware of your state of mind, as this has the potential to have an impact on the scene or the aftercare. There are many times that unless the Dominates and part of a leather family structure, communication may be missed or avoided by the submissive, not allowing for proper required aftercare.
The energies required to slip between headspaces are on multiple levels, and this is what forms the required connections and bonds between Dominate and submissive, The Dominate needs to watch these and react when occurs especially if they are controlling the play, and allow the submissive enough time to transact with the correct headspace required.
It needs to be noted that these energies are emotional, physical and physiological. This what allows us to play how we choose. Thus; allowing for these very strong connections and bonds that we form. The impacts of traversing through headspaces may cause burn out. Or have personas that may be gentler to become easily hurt, by a mistake that the play went more extreme and not allowing the submissive to navigate the various headspaces, especially if they are already in a deep state of altered consciousness. Being in the incorrect headspace for the required scene would also be damaging for the submissive. This is more likely to happen with those who slip between headspaces during one session.
I found that when slipping between various headspaces takes longer to digest what has occurred this can have potential negative impacts on my real life as I will require a longer period to return to my real life state as I may still be reflecting whilst attempting to do my job or worst still ignore the emotional state that tends to go hand in hand with a sub-drop. I must be careful not to allow or to prevent the correct after care being provided which has the ability to damage the connection and the bond required in a D/s relationship.
Finally this brings me personal responsibility. While we all play using the golden rules of BDSM – Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC) or RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink I feel it is also the personal responsibly of both the submissive and the Dominant to ensure that not only the engagement of the activity is safe and active consent provided but the correct after care is provided, so when I play or attend an event I prefer to practice PRICK – Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink. This ensures that when traversing through headspaces I can communicate my needs to the Dominate and we can both take personal responsibility for our actions to ensure we are both safe.
It is great to see pup play out in the open in a fun outdoor environment, it also highlights the new Mr-S-Leather Neoprene hood that is similar to their new design leather puppy hood. Those who read this blog and know me personally know that I am a leather pup through and through and I do own an older version of the MR S Neoprene Hood.
Why do I like the Neoprene Hood, because MR S Leather is really been proficient at the design and the manufacture of the hood, and the best thing about the neoprene hood is that it can get wet, so whether it W/S that some may be into, or going for a swim, puppy bath or pupping out in the shower, the MR S Neoprene Hoods certainly allow for this.
This allows the pup to explore a wider array of their pup persona, especially if your like me and love going swimming or having a shower with your pup hood on. The other advantage is Neoprene is so much cheaper then rubber and or leather pup hoods.
I know it is customary to add sources and references at the end of a piece of writing, however I would encourage you guys to read the above links first before continuing onto reading the following article: Corporal Punishment / BDSM Lifestyle and Pup Play.
“Inflicting a graduating amount of pain, in order to maintain discipline or authority in a relation, or in a BDSM role playing scenario.”
A deliberate act of inflicting pain to a subject, for a perceived transgression of the rules. In sexual terms, it is used during various role playing activities associated with the BDSM community. However, it can take ‘milder forms’ in normal sexual situations, such as in the spanking of a buttocks.
All forms of punishment are basically corporal punishment, where the infraction may determine the amount of pain administered.
It is also a form of establishing one’s authority over another, such as in s/m culture, or BandD role playing.
As old as history, where society has ‘punished’ members of its society for rules infractions. It has ranged from caning (still practiced in some countries, such as Singapore)
Ancient Sparta was considered to have an extreme use of ‘corporal punishment’ which was used for toughening and strengthening. Rome would use ‘flogging’ as a form of public punishment. In addition it was limited to 40 lashes, actually 39 so as to insure not breaking the law.
Medieval Europe saw an increase in Corporal Punishment, especially in schools, due to the influence of the Church and it’s concept of the human body. This included the ‘religious’ practice of ‘self flagellation’ during one’s solitary prayers.
Some believed it was to help drive out the evil spirits, others thought it was to accept punishment for one’s mortal sins. It is rumored to still be a part of some obscure secular believers rituals.
It was also commonly used by the British Navy and Army in colonial times, for those who breached rules of conduct. Generally such punishments were supervised by medical personnel. They would stop such ‘flogging’ if the offender was incapable of receiving the full scope of punishment.
It has been used in some form or another, to enforce discipline in schools, and though mostly no longer allowed, some States in the USA still use ‘paddling’ as a form of punishment in its schools.
In some areas, corporal punishment was outlawed for girls, while still being allowed for males. In other regions, administration of corporal punishment is considered ‘abuse of a minor’ no matter the level of pain being inflicted.
In 1784, Poland was the first to ban spanking or corporal punishment in schools. The United States refused to sign the United Nations charter of the ‘Rights of Children’ (in 2004) because of the provision banning parents from ‘using excessive discipline’ though it didn’t specifically mention Corporal Punishment.
History (Legend): Noted German psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing claimed that there was a link between a child who experienced corporal punishment at home, later sadist and masochist behavior in their adult life., though Sigmund Freud disputed that correlation.
Can take various forms. It can be as mild as a few brief whacks across the bare buttocks of a partner, or can be more intensive, where a great deal of pain is inflicted.
It can include the use of various implements, like whips, paddles, hair brushes, and other firm objects. It can also cause damage if applied to more sensitive parts of the body. Usually such measures are applied to the more fleshy body parts, such as the buttocks.
The most used are the open ended palm of a hand, or a paddle.
Some BDSM role playing involved the ‘bottom’ deliberately creating a situation for the ‘top’ that various forms of ‘corporal punishment’ are administered. This can include whipping, paddling, and such.
During ‘impact play’ or other associated BDSM activities, corporal punishment takes on many forms. It can include any means of inflicting pain on a ‘submissive/bottom’. It is usually instigated by the ‘bottom/submissive’.
Being bound is not a requirement, though is generally accepted as being part of the whole ‘game’. Care has to be used, when using Corporal Punishment techniques, in order to avoid possible permanent injury to the ‘bottom’.
During any BDSM role playing, the USE OF A SAFEWORD will end the administration of the punishment.
In many instances various apparatuses are used, where the ‘bottom’ is forced to lay across or bent over, so that the ‘top’ can administer the punishment with an assorted variety of tools. The ‘bottom’ can be bound as well to these apparatuses, such as a ‘X’ type cross, trestle, bench, or other similar items.
Spanking or Paddling are more traditional during ‘age play’ scenes, and can be very painful. Flagellation is generally not involved in such scenes, but is left to the more ‘extreme’ role playing scenarios.
Most forms of Corporal Punishment are directed towards the buttocks, the back, the back of the upper legs, and the soles of the feet. Other body areas are far more riskier, in that very serious injury can be inflicted without being noticed.
There is also the ‘humiliation’ factor to be taken into account in this type of fetishism. While hitting the soles of one’s feet isn’t necessarily considered ‘humiliating’ it is extremely painful and the effects (pain) can last for lengthy periods of time.
The force of the blow can be a factor, but generally is administered in a less intense manner, but can be repeated over a lengthy time frame, increasing the sensitivity of the area being struck, thus increasing the pain being administered.
Noteworthy: In some countries, Corporal Punishment of Children is considered a form of abuse, though not some of the more ‘western’ countries (notably the United States, that defends the rights of parents to discipline their children as they see fit.). Most psychiatric experts note that such ‘punishment’ does not produce long term benefits, but actually the opposite effect. They claim it leads to more aggression from grown children who were subjected to regular corporal punishment.
Reference: Gay Demon – Source of above article: GAY-DEMON The above definitions, practice and history is not my work, the original article can be found at the link provided above.
If a submissive is to be disciplined, should they be caned, whipped, beaten? Is utilising some form of corporal punishment effective in modifying behavior or counterproductive?
It depends – of course – but my position is corporal punishment can be effective as long as the dominant is skilled, experienced, and mature. In regards to pup play I personally feel that for many submissive pups positive reinforcement is more likely to work then corporal punishment. The pup mentality generally wants to please their Handler or Alpha then disappoint. In saying that sometimes pups do need a firm hand. Once again I would say this would be open to the discussion between the parties involved.
Why would a submissive sound off on the topic? Because it’s been brought up repeatedly with in various internet circles, including Fetlife. I have seen many post on this topic with strong views that you should never strike a pup. Mostly, those arguing against the idea, use more emotion and second-hand anecdotes than informed reason and logic to make their points. Basically it comes down to common sense and what has been communicated in that particular arrangement.
When Sir strikes me for being bad, I know it is justified and deserved and I have protocoles in place including a punishment register that enables me to reflect on my behaviour, what I did wrong and how I was punished.
Below are well-reasoned arguments for a hostile audience who’ll probably never read a single word.
Qualifications are tedious but seem unavoidable given the subject.
Polthus explains that, “Punishment is an aspect of Lifestyle BDSM relationships that saliently sets them apart from conventional ones. Anyone who’s suffered through a lengthy drive in silence can attest to the fact that punishments exist in conventional relationships. However, behavior is coded in faux-egalitarianism and therefore erratic and often arbitrary. In contrast, those living in a lifestyle BDSM relationship usually have an explicit binary of power and specific rules which, if broken, lead to a submissive being punished. Yes, some lifestyle D/s relationships have looser strictures than others, and there are thousands of different dynamics, but some reduction is required to have a discussion.”
Back to the issue: to strike a submissive as a form of punishment or not.
Common arguments against corporal punishment tend to run as follows: a beating rewards a masochist; it doesn’t matter if the attention is negative because it’s still attention; a dominant might abuse their power and harm the submissive; mixing ‘fun’ activities with genuine punishment leads to confusion and resentment; or ‘funishments’ lead to bratty or SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) behavior.
I’ll address the ‘against arguments’ later, but for now here’s my working axiom for understanding why corporal punishment is effective:
An experienced dominant knows how to make the most pleasant activity an awful experience.
If you catch someone indulging in one cigar, how might you teach them a lesson? A common approach is to have them smoke five in a row. The same logic applies to eating cotton candy, riding a carousel, or damn near any other combination of verb and noun. In regards to corporal punishment, a logical disconnect seems to occur because the same tools/toys used for pleasure are being utilised to punish. Furthermore, tools such as the crop, or paddle have connotations that tend to evoke emotional responses as opposed to rational ones. Yet as I just demonstrated, pretty much ‘anything’ can be a source of discomfort.
A skilled dominant can make a punishment beating an experience that even an avowed masochist will avoid by using a combination of psychology, preparation, setting, and relentless repetition. Essentially, it’s the same cocktail used to launch a sub into space – except in reverse. The experience becomes one full of unpleasant and painful sensations that are as inescapable because the dominant makes them so.
Safe Words – Please see Polthus view on Safe Words [ safe words here.] Whilst I agree with the uses and setting up safe words, the link shows another view that always should be considered. As I have previously mentioned in other blog posts, I would assume that your play partner would be familiar with the practice of SSC, and would also practice RACK or PRICK or both.
This post IS NOT a ‘how to’ guide, I won’t provide an example of a punishment session. However, agree or disagree with my position, anyone who’s experienced in BDSM can understand the concept above. And for fucks sake – if you’re just getting your toes wet with kinky sex and lifestyle dynamics, please find an experienced mentor before you hurt yourself or someone else.
That said, here’s a brief response to the arguments against corporal punishment in lifestyle BDSM relationships:
“A masochist is being rewarded” – If we’re talking about someone ‘hard core,’ someone who derives sexual pleasure and catharsis from raw pain no matter who’s causing it and why, then yes, an extreme masochist would be rewarded. But we’re not talking about the fringe extremes here are we? And even if we were, the statement above leaves out a key component of psychology- the submissive desire to please their dominant.
Because if the person being punished is a submissive masochist, the event occurring means their dominant is so displeased with their behavior that they’ve set aside a portion of the day to address it means they fucked up badly. This knowledge can be part of what’s used to keep a submissive from deriving pleasure when being punished. Additionally, a dominant who knows what they’re doing has a pocketful of tactics to keep a sub from floating away on endorphins or escaping into their own mind.
Understanding the psychology of punishment and how it’s enacted, destroys the idea of ‘funishments’ and concerns over confusion. And, look, if you cannot differentiate between the ways ‘fun beatings’ and ‘punishment’ are very different beasts, then you probably shouldn’t be dispensing corporal punishment as serious aspect of your relationship.
I will add that displeasure or not pleasing your dominant, for both many submissive’s and pups is more than enough to realise they have fucked up, and should be used to ensure they understand the difference between a pleasurable beating and one that is meant for punishment.
As for dominants being abusive, that’s a completely separate issue. Why? Because they have the same tools and power to be abusive whenever they damn well please. And the tools themselves are just as much of a strawman as the nature of the relationship. Since when have abusive rageoholics required rules and rituals to oppress others? An abusive dominant that lacks self-control is dangerous to their submissive – full stop. The fact they have or have not incorporated beating someone as punishment is beside the point.
I have written two blog posts on BDSM Vs Abuse Part 1 & Part 2.
More often than mot, people tend to believe the knowledge they receive first without question. It’s human nature to do so. However, far be it from me to prescribe whether rational adults should or should not do something behind closed doors.
But if you want to know whether corporal punishment can be an effective means of correction, my answer is yes. Generally speaking the Dominants that I play with or train under are very experienced, they tend to know what makes me tick and I respect the Dominant that is training me. Those are three significant reasons I’m quite keen to avoid punishment.
Let’s be clear, knowing someone has the power to whip my ass until they decide I’ve had enough is arousing. However, I have ZERO desire to get a lesson beat into me. If you cannot grasp the seduction of giving up power and the appeal of the ‘unfairness’ in a D/s relationship, then either a D/s is not for your or you have just commenced your journey.
For those that are commencing their journeys will need to understand the seduction of giving up power and placing your trust into the hands of your dominant who will in-turn be a protector of that trust. And just as Polthus explains the appeal of the unfairness in a D/s relationship goes to the heart of the TPE.
Most of the above texted I have not edited and left as is, as I agree with it, I wish to thank Polthus who has expressed the desire for their writings to be shared. And I encourage you to read their post in it entirety.
What has this all got to do with pup play?
Just like every D/s dynamic where there is a perceived power exchange, power imbalance or however you wish to describe it, pup play can very well fall into this category. And whether your a pup, and Alpha or Handler, etc. in the pup community you need to be aware, and be able to communicate your desires, and needs.
It must be noted the pup is not the only one that has the needs and desires that are needing to be meant, whilst many appear to forget the Handlers in much of their writings. The Handlers or the Dominants of the dynamic are equally as important as the pup.
As the community grows and people bring in their own interpretations of pup play, and include other kinks such as corporal punishment, we need to be open about this without discouraging others ideas. I will be discussing such ideas and cross overs in my next blog post. The take home message is just because it something you do not believe in dose not make it wrong, pup play can take many forms and have many interpretations
Once again it is a lifestyle that you make and how you explore it, this is entirely up to you, just remember communicate, negotiate and stay safe. Unfortunately there are the existence of the Creepy Dom. Whilst 99% of the Dom’s I have can in contact with have been absolutely awesome, there are some that you stay away from, and that inculdes anyone willing to take away your rights before you are ready to give them up.
I previously explored the notion of “No Limits” and agreed with a perspective of another blogger. – No Limits In the discussion, there is a mention on No Limits and its meanings, clearly if you are playing with someone you would expect it to be Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC). So having limbs removed is not something that would be placed onto a hard limit as it would be implied.
Firstly to understand limits, I guess we need to have a basic illustration of the various activities that we may explore and indulge. Keeping in mind that the illustration below does not include everything, and you may or may not agree with it in it entirely.
As you can see there is a wide range of activities, and other aspects that may change the dynamic of the activity. It would be extremely rare that nay individual would have no limits, and to get to a point of minimal limits there certainly would be many boundaries that would both need to be explored and pushed.
Keeping in mind that I have not participated in every activity, dose not mean I am going to list every activity that I would consider as a hard limit, for example I would not be happy to explore kitten play, in fact I would generally refuse to, is that a hard limit? For some people yes they would consider that a hard limit, whilst I would not par take, it certainly is not a hard limit, and just like all BDSM activities and play negotiation is the key to success.
So I came up with a basic idea for Limits and exploration of boundaries, keeping in mind we will accept the premises that the person or people, that I am going to explore my limits and / or boundaries understand and practice SSC.
Exploration of Limits:
Medium Pushing Boundaries
No Limits – Safety Only
Deep Anal Play
Exchange of Bodily Fluids
Cutting (Boarder on Hard Limit)
Military Role Play
Anal Play & Toys
Wiling to Explore, negotiation required. Boundaries will be explored and pushed
Some negotiation required, Happy to explore, some boundaries will be explored and pushed
Open for exploration
Consideration of Safety
There are so many activities out there I have not listed as the list would just be enormous. Keep in mind that; other then the hard limits, the activities listed are not set in stone and may change over time, as my views or desires change or are explored. However negotiation is always key.
BDSM for me is about a journey of exploration of your sexuality and this goes without saying;
“your kink may not be my kink, but that is ok!”
An example of this is pups that are into diaper play, to me this is confronting and I have listed it as a hard limit as I have no desire or wiliness to consider such kink, yet if this sort of activity is your kink, then by all mean do it, explore it and have fun.
This I guess is the take home message, it is ok not to wish to explore an aspect of a kink, but it is not OK to prevent another person from exploring their kink, providing it is not hurting anyone, and their is active consent involved.
What has this to do with pup play?
Simply pup play has many cross overs with many other kinks and BDSM activities, for example leather and or rubber, and restraints and D/s, just to name a few. So it is important for pups and Handlers (Anyone really that has a Kinky lifestyle and practices BDSM activities) to be aware of their limits, boundaries and what they are willing to explore and what boundaries they are willing to push… But most importantly what is off limits (your hard limits) and this goes for all parties involved in the transaction of the desired activity.
I have also noticed that pup play whilst a lifestyle and a kink on it own right, is starting to delve into many areas of BDSM, whist generally many would argue that you should not flog a pup, or zap a pup with electrodes, and on some levels I agree. The dilemma is that if the community saids you can’t do something then a pup who likes to be flogged or a handler that likes to flog a pup, may feel ostracised and not interact with the community. So my advice is that if it is not harming anyone, and they are consenting adults then let them have their fun.
Keeping in mind some pups headspace is that the pup mindset, whilst other incorporate sex into their pup headspace. Hence why we are all individuals, and why when entering into play or headspace it is essential to communicate and be honest with your intentions or what you are willing to explore.
D/s or M/s BDSM Limits and Boundaries
If you are entering into a D/s or M/s relationship and/or dynamic the above table could be a starting point on communicating to your perspective play mate(s) your needs and desires and what is a no go zone for you. However for the inexperienced the above table allows the individual to have a greater understanding and a method of communicating what they will do, will explore and what they will not do.
Remember this is based on my experiences and everyones Limits and boundaries are different and will be communicated and is as individual and unique as the person.
Creating your own table, allows you to add this to your own learning and can be be used as a reference of learning on what activities are there and enable you to research them and communicate your needs. As you hear of new activities or terms within the BDSM sphere, I encourage you to get a better understanding of them and what they potentially could mean for you.
In a D/s or M/s that is established there has been trust built and many discussions on such topic so I would argue the table would look more like this for the more established or experienced BDSM player who is in a D/s or M/s.
All BDSM Activities except those mentioned on my hard limits. This inculdes activities that I am not aware of or new activities that you desire. Negotiation and communication necessary as we explore. Trust is of essence.
Statement of Fact: I identify as gay, therefore I wish to keep my identity in tact whist participating and consenting to agreed and negotiated BDSM Activities.
It is always encouraged for you to explore; experience and create your own unique identity within your BDSM, kink or pup community.
Disclaimer: Please note that the information and tables in this blog post are that of my own experience and from my own perspective, no way I am telling the reader how they should approach BDSM or their limits and boundaries. I hope that this post has been informative.
In Part I – It was Illustrated a commonly used comparative flow charts between BDSM and Abuse to hi-light the differences between the two.
In Part II, It is my intention to take this a step further and break it down a little more:
The following Principles and Guidelines are intended to help law enforcement and social services professionals understand the difference between abusive relationships vs. consensual sadomasochism (BDSM). BDSM includes a broad and complex group of behaviors between consenting adults involving the consensual exchange of power, and the giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or mental discipline.
BDSM includes: “intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given.”
Abuse is: “Physical, sexual or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent.”
The common dominator in the two threads is the difference between informed ‘Consent’ that is freely given verses an act that consent has not been given or withdrawn, and in this case it can be deemed as abuse.
The BDSM-Leather-Fetish communities recognize the phrase “Safe, Sane, Consensual” as the best brief summary of principles guiding BDSM practices:
Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a “safeword” which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture.
Informed consent must be judged by balancing the following criteria for each encounter at the time the acts occurred:
Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?
Were there factors that negated the informed consent?
What is the relationship of the participants?
What was the nature of the activity?
What was the intent of the accused abuser?
Whether an individual’s role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:
Are your needs and limits respected?
Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?
Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
Can you function in everyday life?
Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
Can you insist on safe sex practices?
Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?
Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?
Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?
Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?
Now lets look at consent and an easy way to look at this is through ‘Tea’…
Now if you do not have consent for sex or as depicted in the video above ‘Tea’, then that is a form of abuse.
Doing something against a persons will is abuse. In BDSM, communication and agreement is key to a successful BDSM Scene, play space or relationship. In short negotiation is the underlying principal of BDSM. This inculdes the use safe words or signals. All parties involved are upfront with each other and there is an agreement between the parties to what they consent or not consent to, and how safe words work to remove consent or let the other participant(s) know that they are no longer comfortable with the scene. This can be referred to as limits, some people have soft limits, whilst others have limits they would like to explore. So what about ‘Hard Limits’ – These are generally areas that are off bounds. These limits must be respected. In a healthy BDSM relationship limits and what has been agreed to are respected, in and abusive relationship they are not.
Im not saying that in BDSM relationships that there is not abuse, sadly there is.
A great essay to read on this very topic, was written by Jan Hall and the author has authorized for the essay to be redistributed.
From the program of the International S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; text provided by Jan Hall. The Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction and redistribution of this information so please feel free to distribute this.
Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.
Domestic is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person’s size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.
Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be “agreed” upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
Has she or he ever violated your limits?
Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
Do you feel obligated to have sex?
Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
Does your partner limit access to work or material resources?
Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
Do you feel that you can’t discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors.
There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.
WE CAN REDUCE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person’s behaviors.
Leather groups in our are crucial to reducing violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.
Domestic Violence have of late been a topic of much discussion, and the previous Australian of the year Rosie Batty, put domestic violence and abuse front and centre, and also moved for many positive reforms in Australia. This also allowed abuse to be brought out of the shadows and allowing the subject to be on the national agenda. However with everything mainstream, BDSM is not a discussion point, even with the clear differences between Abuse and BDSM as previously illustrated.
The question before me is, what do we do about kinky abuse? BDSM practitioners are a group of people who engage in activities that often closely resemble abuse, and sometimes that play crosses over the line into actual abuse. Sometimes this abuse is accidental, the result of a scene gone wrong, but other times it is downright purposeful. While I suspect that the incidence of abuse is lower within the BDSM community than outside it (and surveys such as this one seem to confirm), there are still a certain number of habitual abusers within our ranks. Worse, abusive people can use the trappings of BDSM to disguise their abuse. What can we do about these people? How can we as a community (to the extent we are a community or multiple communities) identify and stop abusers?
When confronted with this issue, a common first response seems to be to refer it to the legal system. After all, abusive kinky situations do make it into court, so the idea is that we should let the usual authorities do the work of regulating abuse within the community, as they do outside the community. I consider this a cop-out (no pun intended). The law, the police, and the state have failed to significantly reduce abuse outside the community, and there is every reason to think that they will be even less effective when dealing with the BDSM subculture.
Much as it might be popular to show dominatrices and kinky marriage scenes in mainstream movies, BDSM play remains a marginalized activity, one that is nominally illegal in most places. Because it fails to distinguish between kink and abuse, the law itself is therefore insufficient to handle this sort of situation, and there is no reason to think that courts, juries, and police officers will be any better. In fact, the failure of the law in this regard is evident in the composition of the jury: if it were truly a jury of one’s peers, there would be twelve kinksters sitting in it.
Also, depending on legal remedies will of course fail those BDSM practitioners who are marginalized in various ways beyond their BDSM practice. It is foolish to expect that African-Americans, Latinoamericano/as, queers, and people in poverty will be able to get a fair hearing in a kinky abuse case (either as plaintiff or defendant) given that they often do not get such a hearing even when kink is not in play.
We cannot depend on the law to handle abuse. To the extent that we are able, we need to develop extralegal mechanisms around kinky abuse, not just to protect community members from abuse, but to find positive ways to rehabilitate abusers. (Prison, it should be noted, does not rehabilitate violent actors in most cases.) After all, the BDSM community is all about creating positive pursuits for what would otherwise be destructive behavior. If we can teach people to administer serious beatings that are still safe, then we should be able to teach people to overcome their abusive tendencies. The rest of this essay will focus on things we as a community can do that can be found at the source, The view points in the rest of the essay are that not of my own and many of the recommendations I do not agree with, so if you wish to read the authors view points on community responses please read the essay in full.
What I feel needs to occur is that resources and workshops are made available within the community outlining the differences between BDSM and Abuse. These need to focus on both the victim and the abuser, one providing kink-specific resources allowing those who may be crossing the lines into abuse materials that will educate to ensure they understand and know the difference. This also ensures an education program that provides and understanding and underlying values of SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), and PRICK – (personal responsibility informed consensual kink).
What is BDSM?
Normally I would illustrate this at the start, but I have already written a blog article on the definition so, for all intended purposes I am going to illustrate in the diagram below the definition of BDSM that I use for all my writings:
BDSM vs. Abuse
Safe, sane and consensual play is the standard of the organised SM community; it relies on the use of a “safe-word” or “Safe-signal” that allows the submissive or bottom participant to stop the action at any time. Without informed consent, it is not BDSM, it is abuse.
BDSM always requires free, informed consent of all parties involved. A propensity to violence is therefore a fallacy, since the only time we engage in BDSM behaviors is with our partners.
It is an inherent fact that BDSM practitioners take great care to make sure that their activities are as safe as possible. In many cases BDSM does not feel like it looks or can be interpreted by an ill-informed individual looking in from the outside.
BDSM partners do not have to apologise to each other. Instead, they are happy and satisfied. Unlike abuse or violence, where one party has not given informed consent to the activity.
It should be noted that Children or anyone under the age of consent cannot give informed consent, therefore are never a part of BDSM activity. And if a minor is then that is abuse.
BDSM happens in the context of an erotic relationship. Just as context helps differentiate between an organised boxing match and a street brawl.
Technical reference material and participation in organised groups provide the tell-tale signs for differences between BDSM and violence or abuse.
Tell tale signs of the differences between Probable Cause and Consensual BDSM:
a) Signs of significant preparation. e.g.. Adult toys, music, bondage furniture, lubricants and safety supplies.
b) Restraints. Abusers tend to restrain their victims with fear and intimidation, not safety clips and quick releases.
c) We call emergency services in a medical emergency, not when there are loud noises.
d) The availability of mentors, reference materials and technical guides.
NOTE: The above information was gathered from the NCSF Law Enforcement Information Project of Consensual SM Activities. The purpose of which is to provide law enforcement with a basic understanding about adults whose sexuality and lovemaking includes BDSM activities and to provide them with information to assist when they encounter an BDSM event.To further the idea of the differences between SM and abuse, I found other information that may also be useful when dealing with Law enforcement.
1. SM rarely results in facial marks or marks that are received on the forearms (defensive marks).
2. There is usually an even pattern of marks if it is SM, indicating the bottom held quite still during the stimulation.
3. The marks are often quite well-defined when inflicted by a toy like cane or whip, whereas in abuse there are blotches of soft-tissue bruising, randomly distributed.
4. The common areas for SM stimulation is on the buttocks, thighs, back, breasts, or the genitals. The fleshy parts of the body can be stimulated intensely and pleasurably.
Two Definitions of Abuse
“An abusive relationship is one in which substantial physical, mental, or emotional harm is inflicted, that is not temporary in nature, and is not clearly compensated for by positive and loving experiences over a long period of time.” — by louise, 1997″Acts inflicted on a person without their freely given consent.” — Leather Leadership Conference III, Statement on Abuse, San Francisco, April 16-18,1999
D/s or Abuse?
D/s is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting adult partners.
Abuse is about the breach of trust between an authority figure and the person in their care.
D/s is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people.
Abuse is about the lack of respect that one person demonstrates to another person.
D/s is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure.
Abuse is about a form of out-of-control physical violence and/or personal or emotional degradation of the submissive.
D/s is about loving each other completely and without reservation in an alternate way.
Abuse is hurtful. It is also very damaging emotionally and spiritually to the submissive.
D/s frees a submissive from the restraints of years of vanilla conditioning to explore a buried part of herself.
Abuse binds a submissive to a lonely and solitary life of shame, fear and secrecy… imprisoning her very soul.
D/s builds self-esteem as a person discovers and embraces their long hidden sexuality.
Abuse shatters and destroys a person’s self-esteem and leaves self-hatred in its place.
An SM scene is a controlled situation.
Abuse is an out-of-control situation.
Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene.
One person determines what will happen.
Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties.
No consent is asked for or given.
The bottom has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons.
The person being abused cannot stop what is happening.
Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others.
No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person.
The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene.
Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.
After an SM scene, the people involved feel good.
After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad.
This article is partially based on material produced by:
American National Leather Association
Dutch S&M Media Information Center
POWERoticsFeel free to redistribute, but please make reference to these sources: Resources: Safe Link
c/o The Domestic Violence Education Project
National Leather Association
548 Castro Street #444
San Francisco, CA 99114
1 415 863 2444
And since we say, “Safe, Sane and Consensual” so often, I figured I’d give you some background to what that means.The community-wide standard of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was codified more than ten years ago.
1. Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
This includes protection against HIV, STDs, and hepatitis. It also includes notifying your partner of any physical condition that may impact on the scene, like asthma, bad back, epilepsy, etc. It also includes psychological safety, such as you were abused as a child and don’t like a particular part of your body touched.
The SM community concerns itself with safety issues by supporting educational and social organizations that teach people the proper way to use their equipment. Such as: how to tie wrists without putting pressure on the insides; how to properly clean equipment; which areas on the body are unsafe to stimulate.
2. Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane includes being of clear mind, and the community strongly recommends that mind-altering substances should be avoided during a scene that impair judgment.
3. Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through the “safeword” .
If it’s nonconsensual, then it’s abuse or assault. SM must be consensual.
Another alternative for Safe, Sane and Consensual, is Risk Aware Consensual Kink, or RACK. RACK is used by some internet-based players, by those who don’t necessarily agree with the subjectivity of Safe, Sane and Consensual, and certain others. Some people who are extremely”edgy” in their play habits also admit that they use the term “Risk Aware Consensual” in place of SSC. RACK’s main focus is on pre-negotiation with detailed informed consent, rather than the focus on the safety issues at hand. Those involved in these risky play behaviors, consider themselves well educated enough that they are willing to overlook certain safety precautions in order to enjoy the pain and the danger. RACK assumes better negotiations, as well as more detailed informed consent, than concern over the safety of the play. Most well established BDSM groups, clubs and private parties consider SSC much more appropriate for SM play than RACK.
To determine if informed consent has been reached, you can ask the following questions:
a) Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn? (similar to rape standards, if one of the participants withdraws consent during the activity, that must be respected)
b) Were there factors that negated the informed consent? (alcohol impairment, drug use, underage participants)
c) What is the relationship of the participants? (first encounter or long-term partner?)
d) What was the nature of the activity? (did it cause permanent harm, was it unsafe, was it enjoyable?)
e) What was the intent of the accused abuser? (to cause pleasure, to gain dominance, to hurt?)The above information was gathered from various sources, including Tammad Rimilia’s web site.
Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink
Finally PRICK was coined to add another degree of complexity into the BDSM dynamics and that is to add personal responsibility, similar to that of RACK where the focus is on pre-negotiation with detailed informed consent, but ‘PRICK’ adds a layer of the persons personal responsibility to be informed, and risk aware, moving back to taking into safety as an element of PRICK. Safety is an important component of personal responsibility as you are personally responsible to be informed and maintain a safe scene, and this is for both the Dominant and the submissive.
As above it is essential to ensure informed consent is reached between all parties involved in the BDSM activities.
In major American cities today small groups of otherwise relatively normal people get together to discuss, and to a lesser extent practice, S/M. But wait a minute — doesn’t S/M mean one person who enjoys deliberately inflicting pain on another person who, for some reason, likes receiving that pain?
The answer certainly is yes, but to understand why these people gather to discuss and practice S/M, you first need to understand the difference between the old, traditional mainstream concept of sadism and masochism and the newer concept of S/M that is currently being practiced in a healthy manner. In the old concept, a sadist was usually someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on a person who had not consented to it, and a masochist was someone who felt compelled to experience the pain though it was usually considered “sick” to enjoy it. Furthermore, these participants usually had a significant psychological imbalance or disorder, and their S/M activities quite often could easily cause long term harm, both physically and mentally.
The people who gather today to form small communities and even clubs devoted to S/M enthusiasts are very different from this old concept. Before discussing this difference though, let’s examine the perception and image of pain. When most people think of pain, they attach very negative connotations to it, and the more negative the connotation, the more likely they are to think the experience of pain is awful. However, in some cultures the stoic endurance of pain has been viewed as a character builder, and consequently in such cultures it is not always thought of as something bad. In a similar vein, in medical “pain clinics” people are taught to change their thinking towards pain so that the “hurt” doesn’t bother them as much. Many of these pain clinic patients also report that as a result of creating a new attitude towards dealing with physical pain, they have made similar attitude changes and corresponding improvements in other aspects of their lives as well.
Another facet of pain is found in the “runners high,” which also occurs in some other sports activities. In this type of “high,” as a result of exhausting physical exertion people experience muscle pain that causes the body to produce endorphins, which is a natural pain-killing response. Endorphins are similar to morphine and produce pleasurable euphoric feelings. They are also a significant factor in why some people can discover pleasure in feeling pain, but there are other factors as well.
Now back to the new versus the old concept of S/M. In contrast to the old concept, this new S/M has come to emphasize the motto of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” This means that the S/M “play” is done in such a manner that will not cause or transmit any long term physically disabling injury or disease. Foremost is the concern with disabling muscle, skeletal or nerve injury, and the transmission of hepatitis and AIDS’s viruses as well as other diseases.
Secondly, this means that the S/M play is to be engaged in by participants who are free of significant mental impairment, whether by psychological disturbance or disorder, or by mind-altering substances.
Then each participant must willingly consent to whatever S/M activity that is performed. If during an S/M “play scene” one person indicates he or she wishes to stop, whether through a prearranged signal or an outright request, then the other person must stop immediately. Of course this requires prior communication–and people who don’t communicate well usually don’t do well in this type of S/M.
One element of the contemporary S/M scene is also associated with the safe, sane and consensual motto: respect and tolerance for other people. Most people in S/M communities act with respect towards each other even though they may dislike certain aspects of some members– this is what is meant by tolerance. Those who don’t follow this implicit rule are usually quite effectively ostracized from the group. About the only time tolerance is not shown is when someone engages in activities that are not regarded as safe, sane, and consensual, or when someone expresses hate or hostility based on unjust discrimination.
Something else also occurs due to the growth of S/M communities: their members form close relationships and often these relationships become somewhat spiritual in nature, much as the bonds that develop between “churchgoers” can enrich their spiritual lives.
Another development in this new S/M is the spiritual growth from an individual perspective, whether from that of the giver (the “top”) or the receiver (the “bottom”). This spiritual development occurs as a result of learning greater self-mastery, either in the sense of developing the ability to administer pain in such a manner that ultimately provides pleasure, or in the sense of learning to approach pain as a challenge to meet and come to enjoy. Sometimes these two perspectives will be combined in one person (who is indeed fortunate) in his or her ability to “switch” between “top” and “bottom” roles. And sometimes the development of this self- mastery becomes a varying combination of artistic and athletic expression, though it usually would be judged extreme by our cultural norms.
But regardless of whether one is a top, bottom, or switch, the accompanying inner growth brings a sense of satisfaction and sometimes real joy. Then when such personal growth is shared with someone of a similar mind in an S/M play setting, and you know you are enriching the other persons psychic/spiritual life, the energy between the two people is multiplied in a synergistic effect known as a “power exchange.” This synergy is further enhanced when the power exchange takes place among like-minded members of the S/M community.
There are also other reasons why people are attracted to this relatively new style of S/M. Some people enjoy its rebellious quality of going against society’s taboos and cultural norms. For many the allure of S/M would be significantly reduced if the majority of people were openly practicing it. But there probably isn’t much need to worry about this happening in the near future. And by no means insignificant, the thrill of doing something that goes against cultural norms, as well as the stimulation of pain itself, can cause the body to produce extra adrenaline that can be very exhilarating.
Furthermore, for many people the practice of this contemporary S/M leads to what many psychologists refer to as “flow.” This is a pleasurable and virtually universally sought after psychological experience in which a person is so immersed in his or her experience that to a great extent the “self” is forgotten and time becomes significantly altered, and the person feels enriched from the experience. This is similar to the flow experience that artists and athletes often experience. And just as extreme sports enthusiasts such as skydivers and motorcycle racers often experience this enriching state of being, so do practitioners of this new blend of art and sport called S/M.
Though this style of S/M may be an extreme in comparison to most of what society enjoys, rather than being “sick,” as some people who have narrow minds would call it, it can lead to a multifaceted enrichment of one’s spirituality. Lastly though, safe, sane and consensual S/M is simply fun–or at least it should be. If you don’t enjoy it, you shouldn’t be doing it. But if you don’t enjoy it–which is fine, not everyone needs to–please be opened minded enough to allow others the freedom to enrich their lives with it. After all, the individual’s freedom to pursue happiness is the foundation that our country was built on.
By providing various extracts and views from different authors, and including my expressions of my experiences I hope that I have provided an informative article(s) on the difference between BDSM and Abuse. I am always happy to have a robust discussion on this topic, and to be provided with any other resources or articles that can assist with better education and removal of stigma from our beautiful communities that have the various sub cultures of BDSM and Leather.
Once again communication, trust and education is important in building positive BDSM relationships, and removing the stigma around them.
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it’s yours
11. if i pee’d on it, it’s mine.
12. if i stare at it long enough, it becomes mine
13. If I don’t like it, I will pee on it and it will still be mine
14. if i hump it, its mine
So I got this from a Tumblr Blog – Pup Chaos from Chicago, whom is also a Boot Black…
I have no comment really to make about this, only that it amused me.
Also my experiences would argue that when it comes to human pups , there is certainly an element of truth in the puppy rules of property.
Part I – Has been taken directly from the BDSM Training Academy Blog post – no part of the above material is my own work, however I agree with the message conveyed and support the science behind the image above. Similar materials have been used world wide when looking at abuse victims and the cycle of domestic abuse. The BDSM Cycle is what BDSM partitioners preach, only better illustrated. The comparison between the two demonstrate clearly the difference between BDSM and Abuse.
Having a comparative illustration demonstrated by the BDSM Training Academy, is a tool that allows for the reader to be informed, allowing a person not in BDSM or is new to BDSM to have an understanding of the difference between consensual and non consensual acts between adults.
Remember there is no need for abuse in an healthy BDSM relationship. In my opinion – Trust, Communication, Respect and above all love is what constitutes a healthy D/s and/or BDSM dynamic that may or may not be a partnership. Reading many case studies where the case study illustrates that they are, would be described as a vanilla partnership, experiment with BDSM practices including changing their relationship type to either M/s or D/s have reported a much stronger, healthier and trusting relationship prior to their exploration of BDSM.