The Difference Between BDSM & Abuse Part II

In Part I – It was Illustrated a commonly used comparative flow charts between BDSM and Abuse to hi-light the differences between the two.

In Part II, It is my intention to take this a step further and break it down a little more:

The following Principles and Guidelines are intended to help law enforcement and social services professionals understand the difference between abusive relationships vs. consensual sadomasochism (BDSM). BDSM includes a broad and complex group of behaviors between consenting adults involving the consensual exchange of power, and the giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or mental discipline.

BDSM includes: “intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given.”

Abuse is: “Physical, sexual or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent.”

 The common dominator in the two threads is the difference between informed ‘Consent’  that is freely given verses an act that consent has not been given or withdrawn, and in this case it can be deemed as abuse. 

Principles
The BDSM-Leather-Fetish communities recognize the phrase “Safe, Sane, Consensual” as the best brief summary of principles guiding BDSM practices:

Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.

Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.

Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a “safeword” which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture.

Guidelines
Informed consent must be judged by balancing the following criteria for each encounter at the time the acts occurred:

  1. Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?
  2. Were there factors that negated the informed consent?
  3. What is the relationship of the participants?
  4. What was the nature of the activity?
  5. What was the intent of the accused abuser?

Whether an individual’s role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:

  1. Are your needs and limits respected?
  2. Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?
  3. Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
  4. Can you function in everyday life?
  5. Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
  6. Can you insist on safe sex practices?
  7. Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?
  8. Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?
  9. Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?
  10. Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?

These guidelines were created by activists and leaders at the Leather Leadership Conference in 1998.

Source

Now lets look at consent and an easy way to look at this is through ‘Tea’…

Now if you do not have consent for sex or as depicted in the video above ‘Tea’, then that is a form of abuse.

Doing something against a persons will is abuse. In BDSM, communication and agreement is key to a successful BDSM Scene, play space or relationship. In short negotiation is the underlying principal of BDSM. This inculdes the use safe words or signals. All parties involved are upfront with each other and there is an agreement between the parties to what they consent or not consent to, and how safe words work to remove consent or let the other participant(s) know that they are no longer comfortable with the scene. This can be referred to as limits, some people have soft limits, whilst others have limits they would like to explore. So what about ‘Hard Limits’ – These are generally areas that are off bounds. These limits must be respected. In a healthy BDSM relationship limits and what has been agreed to are respected, in and abusive relationship they are not.

 


Im not saying that in BDSM relationships that there is not abuse, sadly there is.

A great essay to read on this very topic, was written by Jan Hall and the author has authorized for the essay to be redistributed.

Source: Pandora’s Project

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE S/M COMMUNITY

From the program of the International S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; text provided by Jan Hall. The Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction and redistribution of this information so please feel free to distribute this.

Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.

Domestic is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person’s size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.

Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.

Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.

  • Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
  • Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
  • Are you afraid of your partner?
  • Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be “agreed” upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
  • Has she or he ever violated your limits?
  • Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
  • Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
  • Do you feel obligated to have sex?
  • Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
  • Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
  • Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
  • Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
  • Does your partner limit access to work or material resources?
  • Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
  • Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
  • Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
  • Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
  • Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
  • Do you feel that you can’t discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

 

No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors.

There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.

Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.

WE CAN REDUCE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person’s behaviors.

Leather groups in our are crucial to reducing violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.

Domestic Violence have of late been a topic of much discussion, and the previous Australian of the year Rosie Batty, put domestic violence and abuse front and centre, and also moved for many positive reforms in Australia. This also allowed abuse to be brought out of the shadows and allowing the subject to be on the national agenda. However with everything mainstream, BDSM is not a discussion point, even with the clear differences between Abuse and BDSM as previously illustrated.

Kinky abuse and community response

The question before me is, what do we do about kinky abuse? BDSM practitioners are a group of people who engage in activities that often closely resemble abuse, and sometimes that play crosses over the line into actual abuse. Sometimes this abuse is accidental, the result of a scene gone wrong, but other times it is downright purposeful. While I suspect that the incidence of abuse is lower within the BDSM community than outside it (and surveys such as this one seem to confirm), there are still a certain number of habitual abusers within our ranks. Worse, abusive people can use the trappings of BDSM to disguise their abuse. What can we do about these people? How can we as a community (to the extent we are a community or multiple communities) identify and stop abusers?

When confronted with this issue, a common first response seems to be to refer it to the legal system. After all, abusive kinky situations do make it into court, so the idea is that we should let the usual authorities do the work of regulating abuse within the community, as they do outside the community. I consider this a cop-out (no pun intended). The law, the police, and the state have failed to significantly reduce abuse outside the community, and there is every reason to think that they will be even less effective when dealing with the BDSM subculture.

Much as it might be popular to show dominatrices and kinky marriage scenes in mainstream movies, BDSM play remains a marginalized activity, one that is nominally illegal in most places. Because it fails to distinguish between kink and abuse, the law itself is therefore insufficient to handle this sort of situation, and there is no reason to think that courts, juries, and police officers will be any better. In fact, the failure of the law in this regard is evident in the composition of the jury: if it were truly a jury of one’s peers, there would be twelve kinksters sitting in it.

Also, depending on legal remedies will of course fail those BDSM practitioners who are marginalized in various ways beyond their BDSM practice. It is foolish to expect that African-Americans, Latinoamericano/as, queers, and people in poverty will be able to get a fair hearing in a kinky abuse case (either as plaintiff or defendant) given that they often do not get such a hearing even when kink is not in play.

We cannot depend on the law to handle abuse. To the extent that we are able, we need to develop extralegal mechanisms around kinky abuse, not just to protect community members from abuse, but to find positive ways to rehabilitate abusers. (Prison, it should be noted, does not rehabilitate violent actors in most cases.) After all, the BDSM community is all about creating positive pursuits for what would otherwise be destructive behavior. If we can teach people to administer serious beatings that are still safe, then we should be able to teach people to overcome their abusive tendencies. The rest of this essay will focus on things we as a community can do that can be found at the source, The view points in the rest of the essay are that not of my own and many of the recommendations I do not agree with, so if you wish to read the authors view points on community responses please read the essay in full.

What I feel needs to occur is that resources and workshops are made available within the community outlining the differences between BDSM and Abuse.  These need to focus on both the victim and the abuser, one providing kink-specific resources allowing those who may be crossing the lines into abuse materials that will educate to ensure they understand and know the difference. This also ensures an education program that provides and understanding and underlying values of SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), and PRICK – (personal responsibility informed consensual kink).

 

What is BDSM?

Normally I would illustrate this at the start, but I have already written a blog article on the definition so, for all intended purposes I am going to illustrate in the diagram below the definition of BDSM that I use for all my writings:

BDSM_acronym.svg

BDSM vs. Abuse

  1. Safe, sane and consensual play is the standard of the organised SM community; it relies on the use of a “safe-word” or “Safe-signal” that allows the submissive or bottom participant to stop the action at any time. Without informed consent, it is not BDSM, it is abuse.
  2. BDSM always requires free, informed consent of all parties involved. A propensity to violence is therefore a fallacy, since the only time we engage in BDSM behaviors is with our partners.
  3. It is an inherent fact that BDSM practitioners take great care to make sure that their activities are as safe as possible. In many cases BDSM does not feel like it looks or can be interpreted by an ill-informed individual looking in from the outside.
  4. BDSM partners do not have to apologise to each other. Instead, they are happy and satisfied. Unlike abuse or violence, where one party has not given informed consent to the activity.
  5. It should be noted that Children or anyone under the age of consent cannot give informed consent, therefore are never a part of BDSM activity. And if a minor is then that is abuse.
  6. BDSM happens in the context of an erotic relationship. Just as context helps differentiate between an organised boxing match and a street brawl.
  7. Technical reference material and participation in organised groups provide the tell-tale signs for differences between BDSM and violence or abuse.
  8. Tell tale signs of the differences between Probable Cause and Consensual BDSM:

a)      Signs of significant preparation. e.g.. Adult toys, music, bondage furniture, lubricants and safety supplies.
b)      Restraints. Abusers tend to restrain their victims with fear and intimidation, not safety clips and quick releases.
c)      We call emergency services in a medical emergency, not when there are loud noises.
d)      The availability of mentors, reference materials and technical guides.

NOTE: The above information was gathered from the NCSF Law Enforcement Information Project of Consensual SM Activities. The purpose of which is to provide law enforcement with a basic understanding about adults whose sexuality and lovemaking includes BDSM activities and to provide them with information to assist when they encounter an BDSM event.To further the idea of the differences between SM and abuse, I found other information that may also be useful when dealing with Law enforcement.

1.      SM rarely results in facial marks or marks that are received on the forearms (defensive marks).
2.      There is usually an even pattern of marks if it is SM, indicating the bottom held quite still during the stimulation.
3.      The marks are often quite well-defined when inflicted by a toy like cane or whip, whereas in abuse there are blotches of soft-tissue bruising, randomly distributed.
4.      The common areas for SM stimulation is on the buttocks, thighs, back, breasts, or the genitals. The fleshy parts of the body can be stimulated intensely and pleasurably.

Two Definitions of Abuse

“An abusive relationship is one in which substantial physical, mental, or emotional harm is inflicted, that is not temporary in nature, and is not clearly compensated for by positive and loving experiences over a long period of time.” — by louise, 1997″Acts inflicted on a person without their freely given consent.” — Leather Leadership Conference III, Statement on Abuse, San Francisco, April 16-18,1999

D/s or Abuse?

D/s is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting adult partners. Abuse is about the breach of trust between an authority figure and the person in their care.
D/s is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people. Abuse is about the lack of respect that one person demonstrates to another person.
D/s is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure. Abuse is about a form of out-of-control physical violence and/or personal or emotional degradation of the submissive.
D/s is about loving each other completely and without reservation in an alternate way. Abuse is hurtful. It is also very damaging emotionally and spiritually to the submissive.
D/s frees a submissive from the restraints of years of vanilla conditioning to explore a buried part of herself. Abuse binds a submissive to a lonely and solitary life of shame, fear and secrecy… imprisoning her very soul.
D/s builds self-esteem as a person discovers and embraces their long hidden sexuality. Abuse shatters and destroys a person’s self-esteem and leaves self-hatred in its place.
SM Abuse
An SM scene is a controlled situation. Abuse is an out-of-control situation.
Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene. One person determines what will happen.
Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties. No consent is asked for or given.
The bottom has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons. The person being abused cannot stop what is happening.
Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others. No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person.
The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene. Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.
After an SM scene, the people involved feel good. After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad.

This article is partially based on material produced by:
American National Leather Association
Dutch S&M Media Information Center
POWERoticsFeel free to redistribute, but please make reference to these sources:
Resources:
Safe Link
c/o The Domestic Violence Education Project
National Leather Association
548 Castro Street #444
San Francisco, CA 99114
1 415 863 2444

Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project
Hotline: 212 807 0197
647 Hudson Street
New York NY 10014
Kink Aware Professionals
DSAbuse
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1 800 799 7233

SSC

And since we say, “Safe, Sane and Consensual” so often, I figured I’d give you some background to what that means.The community-wide standard of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was codified more than ten years ago.
1.      Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
This includes protection against HIV, STDs, and hepatitis. It also includes notifying your partner of any physical condition that may impact on the scene, like asthma, bad back, epilepsy, etc. It also includes psychological safety, such as you were abused as a child and don’t like a particular part of your body touched.
The SM community concerns itself with safety issues by supporting educational and social organizations that teach people the proper way to use their equipment. Such as: how to tie wrists without putting pressure on the insides; how to properly clean equipment; which areas on the body are unsafe to stimulate.
2.      Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane includes being of clear mind, and the community strongly recommends that mind-altering substances should be avoided during a scene that impair judgment.
3.      Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through the “safeword” .
If it’s nonconsensual, then it’s abuse or assault. SM must be consensual.

RACK

Another alternative for Safe, Sane and Consensual, is Risk Aware Consensual Kink, or RACK. RACK is used by some internet-based players, by those who don’t necessarily agree with the subjectivity of Safe, Sane and Consensual, and certain others. Some people who are extremely”edgy” in their play habits also admit that they use the term “Risk Aware Consensual” in place of SSC. RACK’s main focus is on pre-negotiation with detailed informed consent, rather than the focus on the safety issues at hand. Those involved in these risky play behaviors, consider themselves well educated enough that they are willing to overlook certain safety precautions in order to enjoy the pain and the danger. RACK assumes better negotiations, as well as more detailed informed consent, than concern over the safety of the play. Most well established BDSM groups, clubs and private parties consider SSC much more appropriate for SM play than RACK.

To determine if informed consent has been reached, you can ask the following questions:
a)      Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn? (similar to rape standards, if one of the participants withdraws consent during the activity, that must be respected)
b)      Were there factors that negated the informed consent? (alcohol impairment, drug use, underage participants)
c)      What is the relationship of the participants? (first encounter or long-term partner?)
d)      What was the nature of the activity? (did it cause permanent harm, was it unsafe, was it enjoyable?)
e)      What was the intent of the accused abuser? (to cause pleasure, to gain dominance, to hurt?)The above information was gathered from various sources, including Tammad Rimilia’s web site.

PRICK

Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Finally PRICK was coined to add another degree of complexity into the BDSM dynamics and that is to add personal responsibility, similar to that of RACK where the focus is on pre-negotiation with detailed informed consent, but ‘PRICK’ adds a layer of the persons personal responsibility to be informed, and risk aware, moving back to taking into safety as an element of PRICK. Safety is an important component of personal responsibility as you are personally responsible to be informed and maintain a safe scene, and this is for both the Dominant and the submissive.

As above it is essential to ensure informed consent is reached between all parties involved in the BDSM activities.

Sadomasochism Isn’t What It Used to Be
or
Why Would Anyone Participate in S/M

Copyright © 2000 by Keith L. Kendrick, RN, Ch.
NOTE: Keith Kendrick is a Portland, Oregon Top who wrote the following essay. Permission to reprint this is freely granted, but please email him at Keith and let him know.

In major American cities today small groups of otherwise relatively normal people get together to discuss, and to a lesser extent practice, S/M. But wait a minute — doesn’t S/M mean one person who enjoys deliberately inflicting pain on another person who, for some reason, likes receiving that pain?

The answer certainly is yes, but to understand why these people gather to discuss and practice S/M, you first need to understand the difference between the old, traditional mainstream concept of sadism and masochism and the newer concept of S/M that is currently being practiced in a healthy manner. In the old concept, a sadist was usually someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on a person who had not consented to it, and a masochist was someone who felt compelled to experience the pain though it was usually considered “sick” to enjoy it. Furthermore, these participants usually had a significant psychological imbalance or disorder, and their S/M activities quite often could easily cause long term harm, both physically and mentally.

The people who gather today to form small communities and even clubs devoted to S/M enthusiasts are very different from this old concept. Before discussing this difference though, let’s examine the perception and image of pain. When most people think of pain, they attach very negative connotations to it, and the more negative the connotation, the more likely they are to think the experience of pain is awful. However, in some cultures the stoic endurance of pain has been viewed as a character builder, and consequently in such cultures it is not always thought of as something bad. In a similar vein, in medical “pain clinics” people are taught to change their thinking towards pain so that the “hurt” doesn’t bother them as much. Many of these pain clinic patients also report that as a result of creating a new attitude towards dealing with physical pain, they have made similar attitude changes and corresponding improvements in other aspects of their lives as well.

Another facet of pain is found in the “runners high,” which also occurs in some other sports activities. In this type of “high,” as a result of exhausting physical exertion people experience muscle pain that causes the body to produce endorphins, which is a natural pain-killing response. Endorphins are similar to morphine and produce pleasurable euphoric feelings. They are also a significant factor in why some people can discover pleasure in feeling pain, but there are other factors as well.

Now back to the new versus the old concept of S/M. In contrast to the old concept, this new S/M has come to emphasize the motto of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” This means that the S/M “play” is done in such a manner that will not cause or transmit any long term physically disabling injury or disease. Foremost is the concern with disabling muscle, skeletal or nerve injury, and the transmission of hepatitis and AIDS’s viruses as well as other diseases.

Secondly, this means that the S/M play is to be engaged in by participants who are free of significant mental impairment, whether by psychological disturbance or disorder, or by mind-altering substances.

Then each participant must willingly consent to whatever S/M activity that is performed. If during an S/M “play scene” one person indicates he or she wishes to stop, whether through a prearranged signal or an outright request, then the other person must stop immediately. Of course this requires prior communication–and people who don’t communicate well usually don’t do well in this type of S/M.

One element of the contemporary S/M scene is also associated with the safe, sane and consensual motto: respect and tolerance for other people. Most people in S/M communities act with respect towards each other even though they may dislike certain aspects of some members– this is what is meant by tolerance. Those who don’t follow this implicit rule are usually quite effectively ostracized from the group. About the only time tolerance is not shown is when someone engages in activities that are not regarded as safe, sane, and consensual, or when someone expresses hate or hostility based on unjust discrimination.

Something else also occurs due to the growth of S/M communities: their members form close relationships and often these relationships become somewhat spiritual in nature, much as the bonds that develop between “churchgoers” can enrich their spiritual lives.

Another development in this new S/M is the spiritual growth from an individual perspective, whether from that of the giver (the “top”) or the receiver (the “bottom”). This spiritual development occurs as a result of learning greater self-mastery, either in the sense of developing the ability to administer pain in such a manner that ultimately provides pleasure, or in the sense of learning to approach pain as a challenge to meet and come to enjoy. Sometimes these two perspectives will be combined in one person (who is indeed fortunate) in his or her ability to “switch” between “top” and “bottom” roles. And sometimes the development of this self- mastery becomes a varying combination of artistic and athletic expression, though it usually would be judged extreme by our cultural norms.

But regardless of whether one is a top, bottom, or switch, the accompanying inner growth brings a sense of satisfaction and sometimes real joy. Then when such personal growth is shared with someone of a similar mind in an S/M play setting, and you know you are enriching the other persons psychic/spiritual life, the energy between the two people is multiplied in a synergistic effect known as a “power exchange.” This synergy is further enhanced when the power exchange takes place among like-minded members of the S/M community.

There are also other reasons why people are attracted to this relatively new style of S/M. Some people enjoy its rebellious quality of going against society’s taboos and cultural norms. For many the allure of S/M would be significantly reduced if the majority of people were openly practicing it. But there probably isn’t much need to worry about this happening in the near future. And by no means insignificant, the thrill of doing something that goes against cultural norms, as well as the stimulation of pain itself, can cause the body to produce extra adrenaline that can be very exhilarating.

Furthermore, for many people the practice of this contemporary S/M leads to what many psychologists refer to as “flow.” This is a pleasurable and virtually universally sought after psychological experience in which a person is so immersed in his or her experience that to a great extent the “self” is forgotten and time becomes significantly altered, and the person feels enriched from the experience. This is similar to the flow experience that artists and athletes often experience. And just as extreme sports enthusiasts such as skydivers and motorcycle racers often experience this enriching state of being, so do practitioners of this new blend of art and sport called S/M.

Though this style of S/M may be an extreme in comparison to most of what society enjoys, rather than being “sick,” as some people who have narrow minds would call it, it can lead to a multifaceted enrichment of one’s spirituality. Lastly though, safe, sane and consensual S/M is simply fun–or at least it should be. If you don’t enjoy it, you shouldn’t be doing it. But if you don’t enjoy it–which is fine, not everyone needs to–please be opened minded enough to allow others the freedom to enrich their lives with it. After all, the individual’s freedom to pursue happiness is the foundation that our country was built on.

By providing various extracts and views from different authors, and including my expressions of my experiences I hope that I have provided an informative article(s) on the difference between BDSM and Abuse. I am always happy to have a robust discussion on this topic, and to be provided with any other resources or articles that can assist with better education and removal of stigma from our beautiful communities that have the various sub cultures of BDSM and Leather.

Once again communication, trust and education is important in building positive BDSM relationships, and removing the stigma around them.

 

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pupSpanky Logo Final V1.S

 

The Difference Between BDSM & Abuse Part I

The difference Between BDSM & Abuse 1Difference between BDSM & Abuse 2 The difference between BDSM & Abuse 3 The difference between BDSM & Abuse 4 The difference between BDSM & Abuse 5

 

 

TheDifferenceBetweenBDSMAndAbuse

Information Source: The BDSM Training Academy

Part I – Has been taken directly from the BDSM Training Academy Blog post – no part of the above material is my own work, however I agree with the message conveyed and support the science behind the image above. Similar materials have been used world wide when looking at abuse victims and the cycle of domestic abuse. The BDSM Cycle is what BDSM partitioners preach, only better illustrated.  The comparison between the two demonstrate clearly the difference between BDSM and Abuse.

Having a comparative illustration demonstrated by the BDSM Training Academy, is a tool that allows for the reader to be informed, allowing a person not in BDSM or is new to BDSM to have an understanding of the difference between consensual and non consensual acts between adults.

Remember there is no need for abuse in an healthy BDSM relationship. In my opinion  – Trust, Communication, Respect and above all love is what constitutes a healthy D/s and/or BDSM dynamic that may or may not be a partnership. Reading many case studies where the case study illustrates that they are, would be described as a vanilla partnership, experiment with BDSM practices including changing their relationship type to either M/s or D/s  have reported a much stronger, healthier and trusting relationship prior to their exploration of BDSM.

Reference: Master Slave Handbook.

Terminology

BDSM: This is a bit of a catch-all acronym with several meanings, including Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/masochism.

BDSM_acronym.svg

Top: The person who is swinging the flogger, doing the fisting, trying you up or suspending you, or doing all those wonderful consensual things to you. A Top can be a submissive, Dominant, switch – or none of the above.

Bottom: The person receiving the flogging/fisting/bondage, etc. Again this person can be a submissive, Dominant, switch – or none of the above.

coming out on top main coming-out-top-queer-games 1ecd381845f10381261a9917a16223c4_original

Dom/me: “Dom” is a male dominant; “Domme” is a female dominant. Often people who introduce themselves as a Dom/me really mean that they are a top. However in many cases A Dom/me may not always be a top. Dom/me is also used by the Dominant in a power exchange relationship

submissive: As with Dom a submissive can be either a bottom or be their role in the power exchange relationship.  A submissive can also be a top.

“Boy, I need some tie-up time! Bring me my leather strait jacket, strap me in, and do not let me out until morning.”
“Yes, Sir. Will you be wanting your gag?”
“Yes, please.”

Master / Mistress: The person leading the power exchange relationship(s). Master is primarily by males, in some circles females may be called Master.

Slave: The person in a power exchange relationship who is not in charge. This term in non gender specific

TPE: Total Power Exchange. A relationship in which one person is the lead and one is not. (This is a raw definition). The exercise of a TPE may be detailed in a contract with well defined roles.

More Below:2da5ac03469dfc686e0d3b9fd4a258ac

Total Power Exchange (TPE)

Definition – What does Total Power Exchange (TPE) mean?

Total power exchange (TPE) is a relationship dynamic that occurs in a BDSM relationship where the dominant partner has total power over the submissive in everything. TPE always applies in sexual situations, but generally also refers to the dominant having power over all other elements of the submissive’s life.

TPE is a turn-on for a lot of people because of the level of trust involved. The submissive essentially gives their life away to the dominant. This is also a huge responsibility for the dominant and should not be taken lightly.

Kinkly explains Total Power Exchange (TPE)

TPE can be used in day-to-day activities, or it can be used for just a few hours during play to spice things up.

This type of play is not about micromanaging a person’s life; it’s about a submissive giving complete trust to the dominant partner and believing that he or she will have the submissive’s best interests and pleasure in mind.

What can be so hard to understand is that the submissive actually control. That’s because in sane, respectful D/s relationship the submissive can stop the play at any time. It’s all about the submissive being able to give up control and the dominant being able to exert control in a safe, consensual way.

Power Exchange Relationship: In my view point a PEW – Power Exchange Relationship is just similar to that of a TPE, but the submissive is not giving up complete control of their life or only control in a scene/play. This can be a little broader and it is a part of the D/s and BDSM Kink worlds, Once again it comes down to consent and negotiation.

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What Is Puppy Play and Why Is It So Popular?

A Primer on the Kink That Involves Puppy Hoods, Wagging Tails, Fetching Bones, and Barking—But Not Necessarily Sex

Task 2 – Saline Infusions

Saline Infusions

Sir Hazy has set this task for me. The task was to research saline injections into the scrotum. I found that many different liquids including alcohol can be used, but it is recommended that Saline is to be the preferred liquid as the body easily absorbs it and does minimal damage. Saline infusions can be done on most parts of the body, normally scrotal, labia, hood, tits and cock. I have never experienced Saline infusions before, but on NYE I witnessed a gentleman experience this in a session. I had to say I was gobsmacked by it and was at times curious by also fearful.

When I was younger I had to have my testicles tied, so in some posts it suggests that guys that have had this procedure should be careful when experimenting with such edge play activity. The information for this post has been gathered primarily from

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http://mistresssatet.com/sessions/medical-play/saline-infusions/

Scrotal Infusions

UntitledMistress Satet has done over 20 scrotal saline fusions, at the time that this article was written. Mistress Satet states that every one is special.  I do love the look of inflated balls, similar to a bull’s balls.

I am often asked how it feels.  It is a process that takes normally 30 minutes to 1 hour, which depends upon the flow rate of the drip.  The flow into the balls is similar to a burning sensation, many say it’s not so bad, and enjoy the end result, which usually lasts 24 hours.

I’ve known people who’ve done 3-4 litres. Although none of them started off that way.  With normal 30 minute to 1 hour saline infusions, the balls generally take 250mls each, totalling 500mls.

Basically, I only use 1 litre bags and you just take what you can. The price is the same whether you can handle 250mls or 1 litre.

Those wanting to do more than 1 litre may need more than 1 hour though. The time depends upon how well you handle a fast drip rate. If I have to slow down the drip rate because it’s too painful for you, obviously the procedure will take longer.

Mistress Satet explains, that due to being hooked up to a drip feed, you are somewhat limited to do other play, whilst waiting for your infusion to finish. What I usually do is feed the drip slowly and build up speed so it is tolerable, and then leave it at that pace for the remainder of the drip feed.

Many posts and articles do not recommend regular saline infusions for anybody.  Mistress Satet recommends 3 month breaks in-between (minimum) to ensure against salt deposits building up in the ball sacks. and at all times ensure that all equipment used for saline infusions are sterile items and well within the use-by date.

Some kinksters have reported that  men with smaller tighter scrotums won’t be very good subjects for infusion, Mistress Satet however has noted that she has not had a problem with smaller scrotums and find they take saline quite well and plump up surprisingly large. I have also read that men that have had previous procedures such as having their testicles tied should check or seek medical advice before participating in scrotum infusions, however these men can partake in cock infusions.

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Why Do Men Do Scrotal Infusions

In Mistress Satet experiences she has found that nearly all men who do this procedure can’t resist standing up immediately after and thrusting their new enormous balls back and forth. I’ve also not come across a man who didn’t love the feeling from this.

I have also read that this is quiet common in many cases where both Mistress and masters have commented that their submissive’s love to stand up after the procedure is completed. One Master stated, “As soon as I finished filling my boy’s sack with saline he could not wait to stand up and show them off.” It has also been reported that sex the next day is incredible, with some guys explaining that it is like ejaculating a river. Men have reported on Fet Life that the saline mix seams to mix with the seam, so when they ejaculate, their cum is more watery, however it is intense and like a river when they do.

Whilst some men are more focused on macrogenitalism (the condition of having abnormally large sex organs).

With scrotal infusion there is also the psychological aspect of some men who enjoy the weight and pressure on their balls (as this puppy play kinkster noted “It seems odd but when you’re on all four paws, having a big heavy set of puppy balls swinging against your legs, it really puts you into the puppy mindset”), while others get off on the look of having really big balls.

But there are other reasons for doing infusion play. The main one is because it’s an intense form of sensation play. Let me paraphrase Anita- from Fetlife has put this best:

From the top’s point of view there is a tremendous feeling of power and control, of temporarily changing the shape of your play partner. I can verify this feeling, in the scenes I did with bratty and cowboy – I really enjoyed the psychological aspects of playing a role in altering my friends’ bodies, creating a situation that placed them in a constant state of genital awareness. You can also have amazing fun playing with the soft, heavy, enlarged body parts, which are incredibly sensitive.

From the bottom’s point of view:

  • Saline infusion involves extreme submission – to trust and give your body to the Top for modification (on the other hand saline infusion is a temporary body modification, you don’t have to commit long term changes)
  • Saline infusion has a tremendous humiliation factor
  • Saline infusion is highly erotic
  • Saline infusion provides intense sensations—big heavy balls pulling downward, big bouncy breasts, tight skin makes everything more sensitive, fun to play with!
  • Saline infusion is a form of self bondage, being held hostage by your own body

Are There Any Difficulties Doing This Procedure

Many forums say this should not be done or it is dangerous, even Mistress Satet comments on a time that she had difficulty, but generally speaking when the right equipment is used with someone that has experience there are no difficulties. Many of those who had difficulty were either using the wrong equipment of where inexperienced.

Doing This Procedure at Home

I have taken this directly from Mistress Satet’s article, I find when you find something from an experienced Dom, then you don’t mess with it, So I wish to acknowledge where this information is from and the link to the article:

Just make sure that you have thoroughly washed your hands (surgical scrub is best) and you disinfect the skin prior to inserting the needle. The more you wash and scrub, the less likely it is that you’ll get an internal infection. The infection if any, will be introduced via the needle. So disinfect properly. Never re-use your admin set. If doing this procedure yourself, you can use hand sanitiser to help clean your gloves (new gloves – never used), but ensure the outside of the hand sanitiser bottle is thoroughly cleaned with alcohol wipes first or you’ll just reinfect.

Those who choose to do this procedure on their own, can purchase items for saline infusions from Black Rabbit Premium Leather.

Note you only need to purchase 1 x sheet of 5 19g needles.

  1. Sodium Chloride for Saline Infusion IV Bag 1000ML
  2. Saline Transfusion Set
  3. 1 x (sheet of 5) TERUMO Hypodermic Needles 19G X 1.5 INCH (CREAM) (plastic butterfly needles will be available shortly at Black Rabbit Premium Leather).
  4. Disinfection – Large Alcohol Wipes
  5. Clean Field – Single Underpad 5ply 56CM X 40CM or Pack 25 Underpads 5ply 56CM x 40CM.
  6. Sharps Container – Mini (takes 5 needles), 1.4L Sharps Bin or 3L Sharps Bin (depending upon your sharps usage).
  7. Gloves – Microflex MidKnight Powder-Free Black Nitrile Exam Gloves (sterile gloves will be available at Black Rabbit Premium Leather shortly)

If you would like to learn this procedure, you can book a training session with Satet to go over this entire procedure.

My “private training rate” can be found here. Be mindful that all training comes with the “you do this at your own risk”.

Needle Insertion Point

Vas deferens: The vas deferens is a long, muscular tube that travels from the epididymis into the pelvic cavity, to just behind the bladder. The vas deferens transports mature sperm to the urethra, the tube that carries urine or sperm to outside of the body, in preparation for ejaculation.

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The needle should be inserted about 1-2cm (length) of the needle to slide under the skin at a maximum depth of about 2mm. Basically, you go in almost horizontally for 2cm) and yes the bulk of the needle may be sticking out, but you just tape it down to prevent it from moving. I generally do 250mls in the left side and then put a new needle in the right side and do another 250mls to finish. That way its really nice and even. However, to stop doubling the trauma to the tissues you can do the whole lot of one side.

Stay well away from both the Vas Deferens tubes and the Epididymis as piercing it can cause sterility. This is the same warning as for testicle Needles.

Acute Scrotal Cellulitis

Most saline infusions take 24 hours for the saline to fully dissipate. Once the actual procedure is finished, there should be no pain. The red flag is whether or not you’re experiencing pain and additional swelling after the procedure. You shouldn’t feel any pain after the needle is removed.

Scrotal cellulitis as a complication of infusion of saline. Anybody suffering painful scrotal swelling should see a doctor as it can be a sign of infection.

References from Mistress Satet’s Article

Summers AJ. A complication of an unusual sexual practice. South Med J2003;96:716–17.
Bush G, Nixon RK. Scrotal inflation. A new cause for subcutaneous, mediastinal and retroperitoneal emphysema. Henry Ford Hosp Med J1969;17:225–6.
Love B. The encyclopaedia of unusual sex practices. Fort Lee, NJ: Barricade Books, 1995.

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Boundaries

Generally boundaries in BDSM are defined in the following manner:

In BDSMlimits refer to issues that participants in a play scene or dynamic feel strongly about, usually referring to prohibited activities.

Participants typically negotiate an outline of what activities will and will not take place. The participants outline what they desire or will not tolerate, including the determination of limits. For example, it is common to set a safe word and to establish certain types of play as prohibited.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limits_(BDSM)

In the context of this post I am not referring to the above definition, instead I am going to explore the concept of boundaries being placed on the human pup by his Trainer/Handler/Owner/Master/Sir. As pups normally would take the submissive role in the D/s power exchange type relationship (Once again I stress this is not a hard fast rule this is just a broad statement and is not the same for everyone in the world of the BDSM pup lifestyle, you may have negotiated your consensual play differently,) For the purpose of this article the pup will be a submissive in the power exchange relationship.

There are many in the BDSM that seek the 3S – Strictness, Stability and Structure and there are many Dominants who provide such. This is no different in the pup community.

Biological puppies, seek and demand affection, friendship and companionship of their owners or pack, a biological canine also seeks structure and stability, hence to know it boundaries and place within a pack dynamic, it is therefore said that the Human Pup seeks the same above traits; by its own nature the very same foundations as their biological counterpart.

Being a human pup is about getting in touch with one’s canine instincts, traits and/or wolf spirit. He/she wants to have the same form of bond, companionship, boundaries, structures, strictness and stability that their Owner/Master/Handler or Sir has to offer. And that is basically where the communally ends with a human pup and a biological pup.

Human pups tend to seek out this form of companionship; that in the sense I want to be with you, and I want your attention. Human pups are also very loyal to their Owner/Handler/Sir/Master (OHSM) or pack. These are fundamentals that make up the mix that assists in forming a tight bond between both OHSM and pup, notably this same bond is normally formed amongst pack mates.

So not only are boundaries set by the submissive – normally the pup, these includes limits to how far you can take me in play, but also hard limits, as per any form of negotiation in BDSM lifestyle the Dominant would also have certain limits and or boundaries.

Note: BDSM encompasses many forms of kink and other lifestyles including leather, rubber and fetishes.

Getting back to the context of this post, boundaries that are set to be conformed by the human pup, these boundaries are set by the Dominant (Dom)- (OHSM) and are basic ground rules thus provides the pup (sub) with a set of guild lines that enables the pup to know his or her boundaries, and sets the foundational structures of the D/s. These can be set tasks, or how you contact your Dom, or even how you perform (in public, in private and a public BDSM event. Each are very  different environments depending on the scenario, scenes or circumstances surrounding what is occurring in each environment. The environments are ever evolving.

An example of this when you are alone with your Sir you may be naked and be tied up or able to pup out, but when the flat mate is home or their are guests you may need to display other behaviours or be clothed. You may also need to act differently at a dinner party.

It is always helpful to have certain boundaries set, as pups are not like slaves or boys, they are puppy like, they seek to get into some sort of trouble… thought it may be fun it also may be doing the wrong thing, like pulling out all your toys or rolling around in confetti – making a mess of the living room floor.

These boundaries may be ensuring your heath and safety, but also that you are respecting your OHSM time, space and real life activities. As we become more reliant on mobile technologies BDSM relationships, including that of pup and handler may be separated by distance, so sometimes communication may be via the online environment, phone or Skype.

Some boundaries could include the following:

  • Hang your towel up after showering when visiting your Sir
  • Wash your tail after play before putting it away
  • Text your Dom before making calling to make sure it is an OK time to chat or communicate
  • When in a public arena do not call me Sir, refer to me by my given name
  • When at a BDSM event you will sit to my side and refer to me as Sir
  • When at a BDSM space, know you are my pup and respect me as your OHSM and don’t embarrass me in front of other Dom’s
  • When I give you time, Know that it is valuable, as I know that the time you give me is just as valuable.
  • In the home environment we may wrestle, when not in that space make sure it is ok before you pounce to ensure neither of us get hurt, or that it is an appropriate action.

All these boundaries are what you negotiate, and none of them should be a form of abuse, BDSM relationships should always be consensual and be a two way transactions between both parties. Whilst many outside the community may see some of the playful behaviours exhibited by both parties as a form of abuse, there is no room in the BDSM community for the types of controlling abuses that may occur. Therefore you should always discuss your concerns with your Dom.

The boundaries that I refer to in this post are more about training you to respect your Dom and his time that he puts into you. There are many times that your Dom may not be able to provide you with time right at that moment so that is why it is important to have boundaries set and arrangements negotiated. This will ensure expectations and desires of all parties are meant in a safe, fun and consensual manner.

From my experience, as example I am a very boisterous pup, and I have been know to run and jump at my Handler for fun and affection, however if this happens and the Dom is not ready or caught off guard, serious injury may occur to the Dom, you or even both of you. This is why such boundaries are important. Just because I need to call my Dominant right now, he may be busy at his job and can not field my call, so placing a boundary of mutual respect to SMS before calling to ensure you both are free, is respectful to not just both of you but also it demonstrates that you understand a boundary that has been placed on you and also you respect your Dominants time and the time he is happy to give to you.

Those who know me personally, know that I can be bratty, mischievous and at times enjoys pushing boundaries, however when it is clearly pointed out to me that these boundaries have been pushed or at times crossed, I am first to ensure that an apology is forth coming. This is respectful, and ensures that both positive learning and understanding of the boundaries are achieved. Many dominants are wise and have life experiences that they like to share with their subs, but this is a mutual aspect of the journey’s that are undertaken in D/s relationships, as many Dom’s will also comment how they two learn from the experiences of their submissive’s. I feel that this is why trust is the glue to the bond that is formed by the Dom and his sub.

There are times that when you push or not respect the boundaries that you may get punished, a punishment is something that you do not like. You should never break or push such boundaries that have been designed to lay the ground rules of the D/s to intentionally get attention, and if you find that this is the only way to get attention from your OHSM then I would argue or suggest that there is something not right with the D/s and the parties involve should have an open communication about the issues, not all D/s relationships work, just like normal relationships, my advice is be honest and open and communicate.

When communicating do not put limits or unreasonable expectations and do not accept unreasonable expectations or agree to something that you feel crosses your own limits or boundaries. A true and good Dom will understand, as they want the best from their subs as their subs are a reflection on them and their training.

Boundaries of such a nature as described in this post is only a small part of the many clogs that make fun, safe and respectful BDSM relationships that ensures that all parties involved are aware of their limitations and understand how to please and look after each other.

As a pup there are times when you will push boundaries and have your boundaries or limits pushed, this is part of BDSM and consensual kink. I practice RACK and PRICK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink and Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink. There are some boundaries or rules that at times can be broken or pushed, but as stated above the boundaries that are being placed on you by your Dominant to form basic ground rules are the ones that should be respected, just as safe words. This respect shows to your Dom that you are a sub that is worthy of their time, at the same time the Dom needs to respect your lints and your self worth, see my post of Pup Bill of rights.

From my perspective whilst I receive so much various forms of pleasure from the Doms that I have both been handled by and played with, I have a greater understanding that my role as a sub / pup is to ensure that the Dom gets the most of the scene then I do, and I would be disappointed if the Dom that I was serving at the time was not satisfied with my performance.

Therefore when I disappoint the Dom that I am serving or being handled by, at the time of the negotiated period or interaction, I really beat myself up, as a pup or submissive I am eager to please said Dominant, so not following strict boundaries that have been set and agreed to, will surly disappoint, so I always try to ensure that any boundary that is set for me is meant, that way I am not only adhering to the Structure, Strictness and Stability provided by the Dom I am also demonstrating through all my naughty pup behaviour’s that I respect the Dom and am a loyal and serving sub/pup that is eager to please and follow instructions.

Even mischievous and naughty (or bratty subs) pups require the guidance and structures provided by experienced Dom’s who take the role as OHSM in a manner that they gain their pleasure but also watch as their pup grows and develops into a pup that is in their image, very similar to that of a Master/boy or Master/slave – D/s type of relationship.

 A quick message to would be handlers:

On another note, I have also found, where the OHSM does not wish to place boundaries or structures with in the confines of the D/s dynamic, as a pup; I keep pushing and searching for that boundary until I find it… pups need that they need to have boundaries and structures in order to know there place and find there feet in the D/s without it you end up with a free range pup who is naughty and has no limits.

This occurs in the biological Canine world – you end up with a dog that is feral and has no way of knowing it place or feels that it is at th stop of the food chain, above its Owner or Handler. We have all seen this on those Animal Bahaviour shows and on Cesar Millan. Do not let your Human pup control you or to not have the three S’s in place. You are the Dom, the Handler, you are to ensure your pup knows his place and follows your training. Doing such will help ensure a very rewarding and fun Handler/pup (D/s) relationship. I have included a link to Mr Millan’s website. Those who never owned a real Puppy may find hints on how to train their Human Pup, remember though the Human Pup is not a biological pup, take what works from that training and read my post on Caring For Your Human Pup.

Conclusion: 

In short boundaries are essential for the positive growth and development of any D/s relationship and it is crucial to have these boundaries whether it be the first mentioned in this article or the latter to be communicated in a means that is beneficial to all parties, clear, concise, respectful and meaningful.

 

PUP THOUGHT BUBBLE:

I would Like to thank Hazy and SM-Leatherboy for their help, they have been putting boundaries in place, where there has been none, though I still have a lot of learning and training to do, It has been beneficial for me to have boundaries in place. Without boundaries you lack discipline,and respect.

large group of puppies

 

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Pup Headspace


A headspace is place in your mind where you can put yourself into a role that you otherwise would not fulfill. This is similar to the concept of self-hypnosis where you are able to achieve a higher sense of awareness of self and are able to focus intently on a single idea and suggest ideas to yourself that you might otherwise find silly. Just as there are many different ways to enter a headspace, there are many different headspaces one can enter. In other words, a slave and a pup may both be in the same gear, and be eating out of the same dog bowl, but due to the differences in personality, will result in them acting differently. Having experienced the power of hypnosis, I find that a feeling of security and calmness is the basic formula for achieving a suggestible state of mind. This can be assisted with gear like blindfolds, hoods, earplugs, or other types of sensory deprivation.

In my experience in pup play, I find that it’s not the gear, but the mentality which really makes a good pup. Sure a high quality pup hood can make a hot photo, but pup play is about the dynamic relationship between pup and Sir. For me, a pup headspace is achieved in stages. I first need to get into a submissive headspace. For me, I find bondage like handcuffs, collars, fist mitts, hoods or the like to help me become more passive (after exhausting myself struggling of course). This is where the concept of self-hypnosis plays a role. As a bound submissive, I start to tell myself that I am not in control, and that in all that matters right now is Sir’s desires and wishes, because I no longer have choice.
The next step is a bit more tricky, as the ability to enter and the process of entering a pup headspace differs from person to person. I find that being treated as a pup, being pet and being given simple commands and rewards is helpful in lulling myself into the headspace, but for newcomers, this may seem silly and unintuitive. The key is to place yourself into a state of deep relaxation where you can suggest to yourself that acting and reacting like a dog isn’t silly, but expected. Although easier said than done, once a headspace is achieved, a sub can be pushed harder and deeper into the role, and a Dom can have a hell of a lot of fun with an eager pup.

REFLECTION:

This article post describes quit well, in my experiences what is pup headspace, and I agree gear is not what gets me into my pup headspace, Though I personally find a collar or hood really helps me, the smell of leather starts getting me relaxed and into that submissive role, or even the feel of rope against my skin, or restraints attached to my wrists and ankles will certainly put me into sub space. However I do not require it to get into my pup head, as the author above found it a way that he does.

For me, it may be a stretch, rolling the shoulders, then relaxation and then letting go of my human side, a collar really helps, and even calling me by my pup name, will take me our of human mode. Just being put on a designated mat, that my partner SM-Leatherboy has commenced will assist me entering into my sacred space of pup-topia. I also need to block out the days events and stop thinking like a human does, so I need a clear mind, and this is achieved by breathing exercises, and relaxation. getting down on all fours. I find as a leather pup, the smell of leather starts the journey towards my altered states.

I also have to have trust in the person who is handling me and looking after me, that bond is unique and special to me.  The  Handler/Sir/Master has my submission in their hands and I have gifted it to them of my own free will and want them to have a level of control over my submission. The level that is offered is one that has been agreed to, and sometimes it is complete control as I drop from my human side to my pup side.

Pup’s Comment:

I have been so fortunate and blessed to be loved by my caring partner SM-Leatherboy he has helped in my growth and development. I would also like to thank three other great friends – Hazy, Dominus and Maximus. These four inspirational men have helped with my growth and my journey and have kicked my ass when needed and also allowed me to be me and explore my pup-hood.

I have many others who have answered my questions and even offered advice and these include Wolf, Gpup Alpha, PupBoss, Kobi and Alex

Discipline Vs Punishment – A pup’s perspective

Discipline Vs Punishment – A pup’s perspective

I’m often asked how should a pup be punished, I generally respond how would you punish your own K9 Companion. I would hope you would not hit or kick your own biological dog. However human pups are a little different, they can enter into agreement and negotiation on the types of play and training they would like to undertake.

Just as your biological dog, human pups all have their own unique personalities and desires and therefore punishment or discipline needs to be catered to each individual human pup.

In short, the quick answer is that punishment should fit the crime……. but human pup’s also requires positive reinforcement when the pup does what is required correctly, and if its not up to standard, sometimes corrective action, example showing the pup how to do set task in the correct manner, may be needed. Corrective action could also include some corrective actions such as withholding time spent with their Sir/Mistress or some prodding in the right direction such as physical correction such as cropping, branding, shocks, etc. but this should not be seen as punishment and when the pup gets the said task correct this must be followed up with positive reinforcement.

From my perspective and this I have found true with many other pups and submissives, is the one thing a pup can beat himself up the most about is when he knows that they have disappointed their Sir, Master or Owner. You may not have to do anything to the pup, expect show displeasure. The human pup is loyal and only wishes to please in a happy pup kind of way. Whether the pup is being boisterous or bouncing around or making a show of himself, he deep down knows that he is there to please his Owner/ Master / Sir or Handler. In many cases a frown, glare or showing your displeasure with the pup should at most times be enough to bring him back into line. But this also needs to be followed up with positive reinforcement – such as a scratch, a pat, belly rubs or a pup (human friendly) treat. Even a “good boy” can go a long way when defining what is expected of the pup.

As stated by Ms Velvet,

“Of course, everyone has a different view, don’t assume that my explanations below are a universal truth…..there is no “one true way”, no rules and no official body policing them.   This is just how it works for me…”

This is so true in any perspective and it is always interesting to hear other views on topics, especially this one. I also appreciate that Discipline and Punishment can be different from the type of submissive, and can be handled differently by Dominants.

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Context:  Let’s firstly remember that we are talking about consensual adult activities and relationships here, this may include the notion of consensual non-consent – thus providing appropriate negotiations have occurred between the parties involved.

– I’d be very interested in your comments on how your views differ from mine – please post a comment at the end of this post.

Pup Play: Whist pup play is a form of BDSM in particular BD / DS dynamic, some pups also get into SM. This may not be the same for all pups, for example my pup space (pup head-space) is very different from my sub space or even boy space. Without blurring the lines, my pup head-space is very different, I do not get flogged or get into heavy forms of BDSM play when in my pup headspace or mode, Even though I identify as a pup, I also have my boy space or sub space where whist I am identify as a pup I am not in my pup headspace when experiencing heavier BDSM activities.

Example If I was to break down my BDSM component of myself I would say that my pup self is about 30% of me, then theirs my Switch or Dominant / Alpha self about 15%, then my sub self about 20% and boyish self 15%, and sexual self 20%. This makes u a holistic approach to me as a being or entity (my BDSM lifestyle has become a huge part of my self and relationships I would say  at least 50% of my make up, the other parts would include professional / community ./ sport / spiritual / gender identity and family. And many of these may cross over from time to time.

It should be noted a pup can not be in pup mode 24/7, it is unsafe to do so and not possible, however I can identify as a pup 24/7.

As previously mentioned,  as a pup I am eager to please my Handler / Sir / Master / Owner (For the record I have never been owned.) And pups should be naturally playful, and it should be no surprise even a little disobedient in comparison to other forms of submissive’s, and may be viewed by some in the leather / BDSM lifestyles as a bratty sub.

So a frown, glare or the notion I have disappointed you, will generally be enough to pull me back into line, however for other pups this will depend on how much training your pup has received. Just like a biological puppy, you need to teach your pup the commands, posture and positions you would like him/her to understand, this is best done through positive reinforcement. (I will be doing another post latter on this topic)

Once your human pup knows the basics, even some party tricks, then the training can begin. And depending on the play types you wish to explore with your pup will depend on the types of discipline that is required.

D/s Dynamics – I regard this as a fun, pleasurable activity – something I can do with a Handler(s) or Sir / Master, This is where I want to please you, and submit to my Handlers / Sir’s desires and needs. As a pup I am naturally loyal and protective of my Handler / Sir and will want to please, be trained, follow direction and do tasks that I am set or trained to do. This is the advantages of a Human Pup – We can do much more then a biological Puppy.

In Human mode with a pup identity, pups can generally submit with a cheeky smile and push the boundaries, and get into mischief; to many experienced Dom’s this can appear to be the sub not following direction (pups are not slaves unless this has been negotiated between the parties and you want your pup to be a slave pup or a police / military style dog). This is when boundaries, and structure is set for the type of pup you want and what the pup can expect and what you expect from the pup, very similar to a transaction.

  • Once again there is no one set way or rule to do things, this is where the parties involved sort this out and what is best for their own D/s Dynamic. I can only speak from my perspective and experiences.

Reflection on experience:

What makes me submit immediately, I find there are 6 ways, and I am cautious about putting this up here because I do not like letting Doms know this, as I feel it should be part of the fun and training is exploring this together. This should be what is done between a Dom and a sub, as they explore what makes each other tick and whether the D/s relationship is right for them.

  1. A stern hand on my head whist in a sit, kneel or present position. This is showing me you have control, but you care for me and have my interests at heart.
  2. Cause I am into Anal play, just going near my ass will ensure immediate submission
  3. Restrained by rope:  I may choose to struggle to make it fun.
  4. In pup mode I have been trained to know who my handler is and whilst I may push a boundary, I also am eager to please (as previously mentioned), so know my commands and positions will tell me who is in control, and what direction I should be following. Keep in mind shock collars can be heaps of fun.
  5. Grab me by the hair and I will submit immediately
  6. Throw a protocol at me that I can understand in conversation, now a Dom that knows mean and one that I choose to submit for would have had conversations with me, and will know how their pup thinks and ticks, so with me, remind me of protocols, if I’m out of line and you will have a very submissive boy / pup knelling at your side.

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S&M play – I regard this as a fun, pleasurable activity – something I can do with my Dominant, however I may not be in a pup type of mode when doing these activities, this is to protect the pup. All pups are different and some may not want anything to do with flogging. However I love flogging, electrodes and exploring boundaries, this will be done with the boy space or sub space, and at times the pup may wish to experience some activities. Once again this is all about consent and negotiation your needs as a sub with the needs and desires of the Dom.

As a pup in play I love to be spanked, I enjoy a good wrestle. However to complicate things even more I have two pup spaces, one is all about pup headspace and it’s about being a pup, there is nothing overly sexual with this. My other pup self is a sexual pup. Basically one is for public and the other is both public and the bedroom.

S&M play will also vary on experience levels of the players and also what the parties wish to explore, I love to explore and look for my Dom to do this with me. But I also have limits that, with any form of BD / SM play needs to be respected, as a sub I am given you my gift of trust, and we are creating a bond that is sacred. In return you are the beholder and the keeper of my trust and sanctuary, and I give myself to you. I trust that the pleasure I am about to receive, will also provide you the pleasure of giving it to me, and taking me to limits and boundaries and also watching me squirm and submit to your desires, in order to please you. I also want to have my boundaries explored and pushed and this can only be done with a Dom that I have trust and respect for, as submission is important to me and the bond that is forged with a Dom and a sub is beautiful, unique and special, and should never be taken for granted by either party.

Perspective from Ms Velvet:

For me the dynamic and the mindset are not one of punishment for transgressions – other than in a fun “role-playing” kind of way. SM play has nothing to do with punishment and nor should it.   But if there is a role-play dynamic in place, it might be what I refer to as “Funishment”.   Or it’s just about the sensations.   S&M play can, in my world, be given as a reward, can be just because I want it, but is never about punishment.


Punishment Puppy Print 2

As a pup, punishment can be denial of submission, being sat in a corner or a designated place to consider actions, or being ignored, punishment can be a rolled up newspaper or something I do not like, under the agreed terms of the D/s. An example of this is at this stage I can not stand being pissed on, this could be a form of punishment. The dis-pleasurable feelings that I experience when I know that I have not met your desires or expectations or my behaviour or actions have displeased a Dom. I want to fix this and make it right. It may be writing to the Dom about hat has happened, with what lessons have been learned. Punishment needs to be delivered quickly, without delay, for pups I believe with in 12 hours of the punishable act or within a time frame when the Dom is made aware of poor behaviour. As a pup, I feel I need to be aware of what I being punished for.

On another perspective some Doms feel that if a submissive needs to be punished, this may indicate that there is something very wrong in the relationship.  I find that many Dom’s expectation is that their sub has chosen to serve, therefore he/she WILL serve and obey to the very best of his/her ability.  If he/she no longer feels obedient and willing to serve and obey the Dom, then a serious discussion about the future of the relationship is required.   If the action was deliberate or rebellious, and if no solution can be found, or is welcomed, then the only courses of action that should be taken is either to ignore him/her, to deny contact or deny the submissive his/her submission for a set period or release the submissive from their agreement /collar.   Ms Velvet states that, “really the only punishment I might contemplate is denial of the opportunity to submit.” (This was taken from 50 shades of BDSM from Ms Velvet) This is her perspective and once again the type of sub that I believe Ms Velvet has is that of a submissive slave. Source: 50 shades of BDSM

Pups are naturally little different as it should be natural pup trait to push some boundaries, but when the pup goes to far the above is in order; I encourage an open communication platform between both Handler/Master/Sir and pup. Discuss what has occurred, and find the punishment that fits the crime, it could be that the pup submits and does something that he does not like, but the Dom does. It can be removal of his favorite toys for an agreed time, it may be setting him a task or even a rolled up newspaper can work. However what ever the punishment is, do not make this part of the pleasure of BD or SM play, as it will soon not be a punishment or the play will not be pleasurable.

Just the other day I upset a friend, who is a respectable Dom in our community, I was wrong in what I did, and offered an apology. My punishment was swift, I was left to think what I had done, until the Dom was ready to inform me, this was done with in 4 hours. I then had time to reply to his discussion (this was done online) He was pleased that I took time to consider, instead of replying immediately. Knowing that I had disappointed him was terrible, I needed to show him that I was sorry and not just that be had learned the valuable lesson. The Dom ensured I knew what was required. I also know he knows some of the activities that I do not like, and that may be future discipline for my appalling behaviour. But the message that I received had it desired impact. It made me think, but also allowed me space to lean, develop and have an understanding of what it was that I did to disappoint. At the same time he placed a clear boundary on me for future corrective action, I was required in my learning to aknowlede my understanding of the set boundary and to agree to it. The choice was mine to make, I feel that I made the correct choice. It was a good lesson.

Discipline – I am firm believer that Discipline is a large part of BDSM it is fundamental to the core principals of the three aspects of B&D – D/s – S&M. To me Discipline is what drives me in my BDSM experience. When I do not complete a task correctly or become a little mischievous or even bratty, then corrective behaviour – discipline is what is required. These can be that firm hand on the head, a tap with a cane or riding crop; too being Sat on my pup mat to wait for instructions or even a delayed gratification.

Pups seek clear boundaries, and when there are none, pups will run riot, that is the core and nature of a pup. Pups require the servitude of the 3 s’s – Stability, Strictness and Structure. We also seek the warmth of our Handlers/Sirs or Masters (depending on the title of which the Dom wishes to be referred too), touch and bond that connects us. we like to be lead and given direction even when we are naughty, corrective behaviour works well, we learn when its ok to chase the ball, when its not ok to be on the lounge, when it is time to be respectful and when we can or can not be boisterous etc.

We learn set positions or commands, and we perform each task to our ability, we aim to please, and there may be times that through discipline that prodding or cropping is required to pull us back in line. This extra training a pup requires to understand their task and goals is required to nurture our journeys, and to become the best pup one can become and a good submissive.

From a Dom’s perspective – once again I am directly quoting Ms Velvet who has a marvelous blog at 50 shade of BDSM, please see her link below.

“ahhh but discipline is different.   Nobody is perfect; all submissives make mistakes, especially when learning a new task, or a new Dominant.  If the mistake was not a deliberate one, then clearer instructions or further training may be required, and the most effective training usually has some disciplinary action involved to help the sub learn how to do better – and as a reminder that I am the boss, and it has to be done the way I want, even if it’s not the best way……..yep, sometimes Dominants are wrong too 🙂   For example, a smart tap of the riding crop to the derriere of a sub scrubbing the floor will remind him/her to employ a little more vigour, or to go back and fix the spot missed.”

In short the two main differences are  Punishment must fit the crime and is when a deliberate act of defiance occurs, where discipline is all part of the training a submissive pup is required to undergo as part of their BDSM / leather journey. And don’t forget to reward for good behaviour – positive reinforcement always helps a pup with their training.f_0015dc copy

Now this is one thing that I like, Some Dominants use preventative discipline too – a regular spanking can help the sub retain the mental discipline required to keep in line. Pups should also get regularly training and tasks set to keep them in that metal sub midset. A pup after all is the sub in a D/s relationship.

I also acknowledge that pups are new to the BDSM scene, whist many have been around for some time, in only recently that we have really become accepted, and we many feel pups have changed the rules of play and even challenged them, we are the fun loving subs that are little cheeky and playful, we offer a very different type of servitude then say a slave, boi, butler or maid We offer similar principals as a biological K9, which is companionship, loyalty and gratitude for being under a Dom training and guiding hand.

I stress that this is based on my perspective and experience, and just like any sub no one pup is the same, and nor should they, as a Dom you may want a cheeky little pup, or you may decide to train your pup as an Alpha, a police style dog or a military dog, your pup may also be trained as a working dog or a show dog, its your training that will help shape how your pup responds and behaves, you, the Dom are the boss and in Charge, and any pup they does not want is not a pup that wishes to follow the core principals of BDSM

Note: The D/s relationship I refer to is that which involves a Handler/Sir/Master/Mistress and pup. The dynamic will be very different in say a pack, or a pup and pup relationship. In a pup and pup relationship, one pup would be the alpha, and take on a leading role.

Final word on Discipline Once again this is being directly quoted form Ms Velvet, as it is well worded:

If my sub kept on making the same mistakes, though, I would think that either their mind or heart was not focused on the task of serving me, and that we need to have a discussion.

Or,

it might be possible that a sub continually making mistakes simply enjoys the discipline meted out, and acts up in order to get some “play”.  This is manipulation of the Dominant in order to get something he/she wants – or in some cases it might be something he/she needs – eg more attention.   This kind of bratty behaviour might be referred to as “topping from the bottom”, or there might be a core need not being met.  Communication is the key to find out whether there’s something that needs to be fixed, or if the submission is simply not there at all.

How would you deal with a bratty sub?

Reflection: I get accused of topping from the bottom regularly, I generally do this with inexperienced Dom’s, I know why I do this to get what I want, However from an experienced Dom, I would be less tempted to even try this, and if I did I could only expect to be disciplined and reminded of my place as a sub and a pup.

Invitations: I would love to hear from other Dom’s and sub’s on their experience’s and perspectives, I do not expect you all to agree with me, in fact debate is healthy as it helps shapes views and when done in a positive and respectful manner, can help a sub on their journey. I do not know who will read this post, but I do hope that maybe I have helped them and if someone who may not hold the same view shares their perspective it may help me on my journey.

Reference:

Ms Velvet – 50 Shades of BDSM

 Studio Session-040

The Endorphin Levels in BDSM

Disclaimer: Both the author and leatherpup is not a medical doctor, though this information has been checked with a doctor and two nurses who are in the BDSM scene. Frisky Business Boutique and leatherpup assumes no responsibility for people who use this information or for the effects that may arise from the application of the information presented in this article.

This has been re-posted from: http://friskybusinessboutique.com/the-endorphin-levels-in-bdsm/

Although everyone into the BDSM scene has heard of endorphins, very few people really understand what they are, how they work, what the  “endorphin high” is all about, and how one can correctly induce the body to produce them. This short primer will answer those questions, and serve as a guide for anyone topping another so that they may successfully send their bottom into a very deep endorphin stupor (also known as “leaving them in a big puddle of quivering ecstasy”).

The endorphin high is caused by a bunch of natural, morphine-like chemicals the body pumps into the brain to reduce a person’s sensitivity to pain and raising the pain threshold. The fact that the body seems to release these endorphins in measured ‘loads’ is a key to understanding how to manipulate  the body to produce these loads and release them into the body and brain region when the load is ready.

Another chemical, adrenalin, is also produced by the body in reaction to pain, and its behavior should be understood also. This is covered later more thoroughly in the section on aftercare, which is a very essential element in guaranteeing the success of the effort.

The endorphin loads release in their entirety, and it takes the body about ten minutes to generate another one. After the body releases a load into the system, it needs at least ten minutes of some sort of stimulation before it will be ready to release another one. This stimulation can be just about anything – sensation play, light paddling, flogging, or light caning, for example – and it does not have to be nearly the intensity of the stimulation that caused the release of the last endorphin load.

Once prepared, an increase in stimulation over a five-minute span up to a measured “climax” will trigger the body to release the freshly-prepared load, based upon the submissive’s current pain threshold, measured to push them over a new edge.

Armed with this information, what does a session look like from the top’s and bottom’s points of view?

When a scene first starts, there are no endorphins in the submissive and even fairly light torment is very stingy, ouchy, and, well, painful! Fortunately, the body keeps an endorphin reserve in place ready to release in case of an emergency. This reserve endorphin load is released after just a few minutes of even relatively mild stimulation building to a mild climax, and suddenly the pain threshold clearly rises. Now, the subject can easily tolerate what may have been pushing the limits before, making him jump around and squirm, for instance. This new, more pain-tolerant state is Level One. There is no altered state of consciousness yet, but there is an increased pain threshold.

Once this has happened, for the top the next 10 minutes is spent doing anything that provides relatively light but constant stimulation to induce the bottom’s body to create the next endorphin load for release. This is a good time for sensation play, light paddling, flogging, or whipping. This is a chance for the top to relax, since the stimulation can be very mild and easy to apply during this time.

Once the ten minutes has passed, a build in intensity over a subsequent five-minute period will excite the body to a peak, and a sudden 10 to 15 seconds of intense stimulation just beyond the person’s current pain threshold limit will trigger the body to eject its freshly-made endorphin load into the bloodstream. Now the bottom will be at  Level Two, with still no perceivable altered state of consciousness (beyond panting in relief that you, the top, have ceased with the intense bit), but there is a considerable and noticeable leap in pain threshold now.

Following this, another ten minutes of mild, easy stimulation provokes the body into generating the next load. Keep this well below the pain threshold you’ve now created, with just a little intense whack every so often, about a minute apart. This will keep the adrenalin build-up to a minimum, for reasons explained later on. Time to relax, tops; rest that arm and wrist a bit! This relaxing ten minutes is followed with five minutes of building the intensity again to well above the previous level. The bottom’s pain threshold is pretty high now and he can take a lot more before the body interprets this as being “in crisis” and triggers the next endorphin release. Finish off with 10 seconds to a minute of a very intense, over-the-edge push, and the body will inject that next load.

Now at  Level Three, the bottom will definitely feel a little bit woozy, exhibiting a mildly-drugged state. His eyelids should appear droopy, and he will fall into a more relaxed condition than before, more low moans and groans, and lower inhibitions. Again, applying ten minutes of any relatively mild stimulation followed by a five-minute build and a 10- to 15-second intense climax well beyond the previous one will release the next endorphin load and push the bottom into a very nice Level Four head space.

At this Level Four state, there is a very definite altered state of consciousness.  The bottom will feel drugged and will be very compliant and submissive now. This is countered, however, by the largest charges of adrenalin he has received so far, the result of the intense climax just used to push him over this edge. The bottom is still quite communicative and his reaction time is still quick. The bottom may even be hypersensitive: a small whack with a paddle, cane, or whip can now generate a huge amount of twitching or jerking of the subject’s body. Now, during the ten minute “treading water” period for the top, the moans and groans will be longer and deeper, the body often limp in its restraints, and the reactions to the occasional harder strikes will be obvious. This is the top’s finest time: she  can still relax and not exert herself very hard, yet produce fine moans of ecstasy from her bottom with hardly any provocation! The pain threshold is high even though the reaction time is increased from the adrenalin. Harder occasional strikes are welcomed, and the reactions are certainly encouraging!

Sexual play with the bottom should occur around Level Three or Four. After after hitting Level Five, the bottom may be unable to concentrate for long on what he is doing. That can result in passionate and inhibition-free indulgence, resulting in heights of ecstasy never before experienced, or the bottom can lose his erection and be unable to concentrate. There’s no telling which way the bottom will go once he achieves Level Five or Six.

After this ten minute endorphin replenishment period, it is important to be very sensitive to the limit levels crossed earlier, as the top begins that five-minute build in intensity that will end in the most intense limit-pushing the top might do with the bottom for this session (presuming the top stops at Level Five). The bottom will have a very high pain threshold at this time, but also will be fairly groggy and less able to communicate a safe word. In fact, the bottom will now be so compliant that it is very unlikely that he would use it even if he ought to do so! So, push this “grand finale” with finesse and sensitivity to what is going on with the bottom! At the other end of the 10- to 30- second climactic build in intensity – in a wonderful blast – this latest endorphin load will push the bottom into Level Five: a state of supreme ecstasy, docility, and the bottom’s ability to take just about anything the top could do to him. The bottom will become very limp and relaxed very suddenly – and be very clearly in an altered state of consciousness.

This is the point most people end the scene and remove the bottom to cloak him in a blanket and begin the all-important aftercare, and unless the top knows the bottom extremely well, this is where the session should end. However, for those who do know the bottom’s limits, the rules and timing are the same as with the earlier segments. Now, the “mild” stimulation could be fairly intense, and the bottom will become extremely submissive and accepting of any amount of stimulation the top bestows upon him. This is a dangerous condition because there is NO WAY a person will utter a safe word in this condition. The bottom can barely talk at all! It is best to keep the stimulation relatively intense but not too extreme. The stronger intensity will hold up the adrenalin levels, and the combination with the elevated endorphins levels creates a condition of intense excitement and of simultaneously intense ecstatic relaxation for the bottom, so he’ll be into receiving whatever is being doled out. (More on adrenalin in a minute, though!) Again, finish off after the ten minutes with a building in intensity to one beyond that reached earlier, with a 10- to 15-second extreme point, and the next endorphin load will be released. Now we have brought the bottom to a very amazing  Level Six! Again, this should only be attempted with a bottom whose limits and abilities are already very well known. The top is working without the benefit of safe words being utterable; care must be exercised this whole while.

The bottom’s behavior can become unpredictable at this point with all the adrenalin and endorphins coursing through the body.  Be prepared to restrain against some wild thrashing and arm flailing (or at least be out of harm’s way). The bottom is in such an intensely altered state of consciousness that his reactions could possibly be extremely primitive in nature. He may only be capable of animal-like noises and very little speech. Following this reasoning, approach the subject as you would a wild animal: very gently, speak soothingly, and gesture in a calming manner. Be prepared for sudden jerking, or attempts to get away. Don’t take the erratic behavior personally! At Level Six, this person is totally ga-ga! Be assured, the bottom is enjoying every millisecond of this experience, and a very long period of dreaminess is now in store for him if the aftercare is handled properly.

Why do I go on and on about the aftercare? The work of putting endorphins into the subject’s body is finished, right? Well, yes, but you have also succeeded in putting very, very large amounts of adrenalin into the bottom’s system, and adrenalin is tricky stuff. Even at Level Four, aftercare is important because of how quickly adrenalin burns off compared to endorphins, which burn off very slowly. At Level Five or Level Six, there is enough adrenalin in the body that it will take at least 10 to 20 minutes for it to burn off (or longer). During this time, the bottom is likely to experience a number of adrenalin crashes (similar to coffee jags). Some of these can be intense and even quite frightening. The bottom will need to be kept warm and be held and comforted AT LEAST throughout this period of adrenalin burn-off. My opinion is that if you don’t care enough for the bottom to cuddle and caress them for up to half an hour, you probably shouldn’t be taking them to any Level Six endorphin/adrenalin levels.

The adrenalin “crash” experience for the bottom is something many, many tops are unaware of, and they have no concept of the amount of harm they could be doing to someone’s psychological state by not performing adequate, comforting aftercare. All the bottom needs now is to be held and to hold you (or whoever you assign to perform aftercare), to be comforted by your presence, and to be allowed to make you become the entire focus of their awareness. No stroking, or massage, or other stimulus is needed or even desirable at this time. What is important is to keep in contact with the bottom (not requiring words as responses, merely nods), and instruct the bottom every little while to relax. The adrenalin will have him in a very agitated state – with high heart beat and breathing levels – and this situation is completely counter to the endorphin experience. Sure, the bottom has a ton of endorphins in his system, but the adrenalin is presently holding the endorphins off and the bottom isn’t experiencing their full effect. The top’s guidance is extremely important to help the bottom relax through the adrenalin burn-off period.

If not actually “talked down” out of the adrenalin agitation, the bottom could easily never allow himself to relax enough to even feel the massive content of endorphins that currently exist in his system! Maybe you’ve seen a bottom who –  after an hour of intense stimulation to the point of near-total collapse on the cross or bench –  is released and after a mere couple of minutes is mingling with people as if nothing ever happened. These people are floating on a self-sustained adrenalin buzz. This is not only unhealthy, but these bottoms are also cheating themselves out of a long, long stretch of total endorphin-induced ecstasy!

Aftercare Instructions

While gently holding the bottom and letting him hold you back, coo softly and comfort him, and tell him to let himself relax. You will feel him do so as he complies to your wishes, as he is quite docile and open to receiving instructions at this point. But he will also slowly tense up again from the adrenalin. Keep reminding him to relax, telling him to give himself permission to relax totally.

As the bottom begins to relax after a while, he may experience a frightening “falling off a cliff” feeling that makes him tense again, or “blackness” as the endorphins relax the bottom’s optic nerve. This is a side effect of the chemicals burning off. The top’s job is to reassure the bottom that these experiences are completely normal, to let go and pass through it. The bottom has to relax through the sensation of falling or blackness with the understanding that this is quite normal and is a common experience. Once he does that, having “relaxed through it,” he will be “in it” after that point, and will relax deeply, often seeing beautiful technicolor visions and dreamlike landscapes, spaces, and places. How sweet!

Once this happens, your bottom needs only a little more loving attention, and can then be left bundled in a blanket somewhere on their own to float in a happy bubble, very possibly for hours!

“Flying”

There is another factor that can produce an altered state of consciousness far, far beyond even that of the most extreme endorphin experience. This is experienced by submissives whose intense focus upon their Master or Mistress (their Dominant) – and upon pleasing them – eventually leads to a hallucinogenic kind of altered state known commonly in the BDSM community as “flying.” This word has an almost mythological aura in the scene for very good reasons! It is probably the most profound experience one can have as a submissive. It involves a state of intense devotion towards the dominant (who is not just a mere “top” at this point) that borders upon religious worship, with complete trust and a total commitment to please and satisfy the Dom thoroughly. Through the attainment of a complete selflessness and focus on the dominant, a transformation takes place that is very, very deep, almost trance-like. It can become so profound as to produce an extended, blissful hallucinogenic state. Many have reported even seeing visions under the spell of this “flying” effect. All have attested to the profound sense of peace and bliss they have experienced while even near the edge of this state.

This flying state can be attained by some with very little endorphin content in their systems. (Some claim no endorphins are required, but I’m quite certain most folks have attained at least a level Three or Level Four endorphin high in order to trigger the total release of inhibitions that this psychological state seems to require, at least generally speaking.) With practice, the release into this “flying” submissive-space should come easier and easier, eventually with even a mere suggestion triggering the effect for some with very little or even no endorphin content being in the picture. COMBINED with the Level Five or Six endorphin head space, there likely can be no deeper state of ecstasy possible for the bottom — short of total enlightenment! Until such an experience of full enlightenment can be accomplished, perhaps the attainment of this interim bliss is acceptable, and certainly should be considered an attractive and enjoyable state to be in! The secret ingredients are: intense focus; a commitment to please the dominant utterly; and, complete and total devotion. These ingredients – with some endorphins in the mix – should produce a quite satisfying effect for both the submissive and the dominant.

Pup’s Experience: After reading this article that was posted in one of the FB groups, and since then I have reflected on my sub space, and realised that (whether the Dom has planned this or it just occurred) has used the concepts outlined in the above article. This really moves me from the cheeky pup, that I am known for to the quiet, obedient submissive. I particularly found this to be the case when I experienced fisting for the first time, even in the two sessions to the lead up of my mind blowing FF experience.  In saying this I was with a experienced BDSM practitioner.

On reflection this as occurred many times, in the past during scenes where BDSM has been apart of the play, including the use of floggers, restraints and even sensual play. I guess for a experienced Dom, the planning, and having your sub respond in various ways is a part of their experience, and I would argue that this is what helps build that connection and bond between the Dom and the sub.