This task has perplexed me for some time, and is way overdue from when I was expected to have it completed. It really is a difficult task to write about, especially when life throws a few cure balls and stresses. This sometimes prevents me from writing or successfully completing writing tasks.
I am currently sitting at a café at Adelaide Airport after a leather filled weekend, where many of the Australian title holder family gathered to witness another brother become a bearer of The Mr. Adelaide Title – Congratulations Handler James. At this event, I am privileged to have opportunity to meet new faces and rejoice with familiar ones. Ms Sydney Leather – Bee is always an amazing individual to converse with, with her pup and husband Bruce. With privilege comes responsibility, and I had the honour to be given a private tour through one of Australia’s must successful professional dungeon space, by Mr Wolf. The responsibility is to ensure the privacy of such interaction.
I hear a few of you say… “What has this got to do with the benefits of chores in a D/s?” Well it was this very private tour and discussion with Mr Wolf that helped with guidance and grounding. Yet he was not directly speaking to me on my situation, but rather using examples of how various training benefits a D/s or M/s style relationships. Including the importance of having tasks submitted to either your Sir or Handler on time. Even if you can’t get such tasks or chores completed there needs be open lines of communication that the submissive can engage to ensure their training is successful. I am not always good at communicating when I feel I am failing at something. Also, when a task, chore or errand that has been set is not completed successfully or on time without good reason, there needs to be predetermined consequence’s – and something that the submissive does not like, as sometimes punishments can be that a punishment and a submissive may like to be punished…
“Even a boy sometimes may push boundaries just to get punished.” I need to acknowledge that as it may be one of the only times I do… I already hear these words being fed back to me. The beauty of these tasks is it allows the boy to think and write about his experiences and thoughts, yet it’s a two-way street as it enables Sir to get a deeper understanding of how his boy ticks… this in itself has many advantages in the continued development and evolution of a D/s.
I want to be honest; when this task was first given to me, my brattyness surfaced, and described the task as being not worthy of really writing about! “Brats do not need chores, and there really is no benefit to them…” A demonstration of defiance which shows how a brat can sometimes be the part of the issue that can challenge a success D/s and certainly become challenging to a Dominant. On reflection, brats like to find ways to bend the rules and therefore structure is what many submissive want as part of their D/s, especially brats and pups. It helps provide them with clear defined boundaries. This is something when I have spoken to other bratty boys or pups tend to yearn for… “let’s not tell them that.” If you’re as bratty as I am, then you know exactly what I mean.
Chores or errands can easily become part of the structure to any boy’s (or submissive’s) routine. Many online blogs or articles refer to headspace and the collation between tasks, chores and errands being part of the structure of successfully D/s, appears to help maintain a submissive headspace. What I have read and even by my own experience this is the headspace that they like to be in. Even in the stricter terms of the PE or TPE or the 24/7 D/s lifestyle it may not always be practical to be in such a headspace, but it certainly is what is trying to be achieved. Let’s face facts, a submissive role no matter the definition of the relationship or the core values that have been agreed upon or within the negotiated interactions and/or boundaries, it is the power exchange in raw terms the service value to both the submissive or dominate. In return, there are rewards and punishments. The power exchange aspects of the D/s are after all why many of us enter into such relationships. It about giving up control to another, or being instilled with the trust to look after the control that has been gifted to you.
Why do people sometimes prefer Dom/sub relationships?
D/s is one aspect of the wider category of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism), many may also refer to this as a Kink lifestyle or Kink friendly spaces. Some people are into all of the things listed under BDSM, and some only some of them. D/s is generally distinguished from SM because it is more about power than about physical sensation (although some use these terms more interchangeably). Keeping in mind that many in a D/s or M/s partake in both BD and SM activities as part of their power exchange agreement.
“In D/s activities one person generally dominates the other, or has power over them, therefore people tend to prefer D/s if they find a power dynamic to be exciting in some way. Of course, it is pretty common for sex and power to be mixed together in our culture.”
What is involved in a Dom/sub relationship?
Barker (2014) summaries this nicely “If somebody identifies as being into D/s, or having a D/s relationship, then they probably include power play in their sex life, and perhaps in other aspects of their relationship. People can identify as dominant, submissive, or switch (which means that they are sometimes dominant and sometimes submissive). It might be that people stick to the same roles each time they play together, or that they take different roles on different occasions.
For most people, being D/s will be something that they only do some of the time (for example, just in pre-arranged scenes – often, but not always, involving sex). Such scenes could involve any kind of exchange of power. For example, the submissive person might serve the dominant one food, or give them a massage; the dominant person might order the submissive one around or restrain them or punish them in some way; people might act out particular power-based role-plays such as teacher and student, cop and robber, or pirate and captive.
Some people who are into D/s might have longer periods, such as a holiday, where they maintain their power dynamic. And a few have lifestyle or 24/7 arrangements, where one person always takes the dominant, and the other the submissive, role. However, even in such cases, much of their everyday life will probably not seem that different to anybody else’s.”
Other than the one-off scenes or short power exchange interactions of D/s, chore or errands are normally for those who choose the Dom/sub as lifestyle choice, where its more than a one-off encounter but a commitment to each other. It is far too difficult to speculate on the various differences on the thousands of power exchange relationships out there where two or more people have committed to a D/s lifestyle. Yes, I did say two or more. In modern dynamics people in D/s may not be partners, they may have separate vanilla relationships outside of their D/s or the power exchange may be based on a leather family model. This is becoming more prevalent as society accepts the differences of various relationships outside of the norm or the nuclear family scenario.
In a previous blog, I talked about getting Sir a coffee, and why this is important to my routine. While I do not see this as a chore or an errand rather a part of my morning ritual when I am visiting Sir. A chore may be part of the routine or ad hoc, depending on what needs to be done for that day or week, and an errand is designed to ensure that where a boy can assist his Sir with daily tasks making life easier, and thus potentially allowing for the boy to be rewarded for doing a good job.
What could be some chores?
- Leather Care
- Washing the car
- Cleaning Sir’s Boots
- Clothes washing
- Domestic Duties
- Lawn and garden care
- Cleaning and putting away toys
Chores can come in various forms and could range from household tasks, to looking after your health and body or even doing work in the community. Chores should be designed to enhance the D/s and provide the power exchange dynamic with structure and boundaries.
Errands Can include:
- Going to the post office
- Paying bills
- Filling or servicing the car
- Picking up dropping off objects or people
- Arranging house visits for guests
I see errands as something that, are out of the normal routine that is generally needed, getting the milk, or making sure that things are done that you have been trusted to do which fall outside of the household.
Tasks may include:
- Community Work
- Training or mentoring
- Researching or gathering resources
- Keeping a Journal
Tasks certainly, in my experiences form part of the training being undertaken by the submissive. The sharing of knowledge and forming a strong bond between all parties involved in the power exchange relationship. Tasks can be designed to provide opportunity to help with open communication and allow for a deep bond to flourish. This can be seen mostly in writing tasks, journals and/or picture tasks.
Combining tasks, chores, errands, with routines, boundaries, rewards, punishments and play can help with a strong and healthy dynamic that creates a holistic approach to the elements mentioned for a D/s to give it the best chance of success.
Saying this, the Dominant needs to put in as much work, and sometimes even more to ensure their submissive is following their training goals. If the Dominant is not really into it, neither will the submissive. The more you put into the relationship the greater the rewards should be, and this is achieved through willingness and open communication.
Any PE / TPE or D/s should not be based on fear, it needs to be based on Trust, mutual Respect, Integrity, Dignity and Love.
The benefits for being assigned regular chores and completing them:
Other than the obvious feeling of accomplishment on completion of a chore, especially when you put effort into being successful at completing the chore, or task or daily errands. Needless to say this certainly is the bit of the task that complexed me the most: what are the benefits? The easiest go to place initially for me was reward and punishment, however there is more to it than – “I want to do the chore or errand to either be rewarded or be punished depending on how well the chore is completed or in some cases not completed.” The next logical step is to get the chore done so I please the dominant, even then I felt that there is more to it than that, (most submissives are motivated by pleasing their dominant), If it was that simple, this task at hand would not have perplexed me as much. I even considered that I was over thinking the benefits of chores in a D/s and it was just a simple as pleasing Sir that included the reward and punishment aspect.
Power exchange is more complex, the above mentioned is only small aspect of what power exchange relationships are. For me P/E is that bond and friendship built on solid foundation of trust. I have expressed this numerous times in previous articles… Trust is one of the key cornerstones of any D/s or power exchange relationship. Therefore, the benefits of chores will vary from everyone’s individual approaches making a very diverse community of people that choose to enter into a BDSM relationship.
Depending on the dynamics that are formed within each individual power exchange relationship will depend on how chores, errands and tasks are delivered and received. In every relationship, these evolve and mature over time. Just because a ritual had one meaning at say the commencement of a D/s it may have a different significance as the relationship grows and matures, this is the same with chores. They may become tasks or part of a daily ritual/routine, or they may even become redundant. Just because something means this now, does not mean it will hold the same meaning or even significance in the future. Both parties need to be aware of this growth, and how change may impact on the relationship. It is always best to embrace change and allow the relationship to grow, especially in our ever fast paced lifestyles. This may sound a bit of a cliché but it’s a journey that all parties involved in the D/s dynamic take together, learn, grow and mature.
A dominant would not set chores if there was little or no meaning, and if this was the case then both parties need to review what the D/s meant to them, or if it still was working. Some chores or errands may be there to test the resilience of the submissive and at times the Dominant may need to assist to ensure the success. To set one up for failure is not in my opinion what power exchange is about. Once again, I speak from my experiences and this may differ from the diversity of our communities that we interact with.
As we grow we may not always be with the same people. We may enter and exit power exchange relations throughout our lifespans and these will have different structures as no two D/s relationships are identical. Just because a chore meant something when I was 18 under a different Dominant does not mean it is the same now with the current structures of the D/s (or power exchange relationship) that I am currently engaged with. The level of maturity changes throughout our journeys and your views on life and expectations also change. This occurs for all parties involved with the power exchange dynamic; “It’s called life.”
The benefits that exist are of structure and training. For example, a chore may be included as part of the play session to ensure that all items are cleaned and sanitised correctly, especially when bodily fluids or blood is involved. This includes impact play, blood play, etc. Even if the toys are the sole use within the D/s bacterial infections need to be avoided. While a submissive may not be able to do this immediately and the Dominant may at times be required to do the necessary clean up, it certainly should also be part of the shared responsibility.
Regular chores can be routine to the training of the submissive and a sign of respect, not just for the dominant but also for the nature of the power exchange relationship. As a submissive you have agreed to enter into a D/s where there is an inherent power exchange. Part of the relationship may include both chores and errands. I see routine as forming the structure of the D/s and not a chore, yet chores may form part of a daily routine in D/s dynamic that are considered part of each parties’ lifestyle choices.
What are the benefits? I have tried to be broad reaching and not come across as preaching or have attempted to leave it for the reader to come to their own conclusions or see what the benefits may mean for them. In the next sub section of this writing task I am going to explain what I believe are the benefits for me as an individual submissive under my current Sir and or Handler. However, the reader may not have the same experiences as I do or may be sitting there going that’s exactly how I feel… Take what you will as the following is purely based on my own personal experiences.
I may not be overly good at domestic chores and at times find ways out of them, but yard work is something I enjoy. Chances are I am going to excel at chores that I prefer to the ones that I like doing less. I feel the benefit is that it helps to maintain the submissive aspect (or headspace) to the D/s; it’s a demonstration of my wiliness to be part of that dynamic, not just for the reward or punishment, but for that deeper bond and connection that is shared between the Sir and a boy. Chores may be a form of punishment or to help to get rewarded, overall it builds a sense of belonging and trust.
I find that having regular tasks, chores or errands shows to the submissive that the Dominant is interested in them and their relationship. It also demonstrates that they trust you to do various activities that may make their life easier. Or sometimes get you out of their hair so they can also have down time. Whatever the reason why the chores may be set, I firmly believe that regular chores increase that bond. Providing there is an output or an acknowledgement of the work done, it cannot be left open ended as It may leave the submissive feeling what they have done is not valued. I have previously stated D/s are complex and the biggest variable is human interaction, as we may take things differently from day to day, depending on what is occurring in our personal lives or own headspaces.
In conclusion, I feel that the use of regular chores can be beneficial for building a stronger and trusting bond between both Sir and boy, providing they are done to respect all parties involved. However, I am unsure how this may impact on a pup and Handler dynamic, as puppies are not always really good at following directions without being distracted…
|BDSM||Bondage Discipline Dominance Submission Sadism Masochism|
|TPE||Total Power Exchange|
|P/E or PE||Power Exchange|
|M/s||Master/slave or Mistress/slave|
Barker, MG 2014, Dominant and submissive relationships, in Rewriting the Rules, http://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/sex/dominant-and-submissive-relationships/ accessed 29th October 2017