Leather Journey

The Power Exchange Relationship Part 1

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I wanted to discuss the idea behind the power exchange relationship and the dynamic that makes that up. keeping in mind that there is also Total Power Exchange (TPE), see the following link: TPE

But First lets break down the D/s and whats it is all about…

Dominance and submission – a Power Exchange Relationship

If anyone were to ask what ‘Dominance and submission’ is, they’d receive almost as many answers as people who practice it. Simply stated, though, most would agree that D/s consists of a consensual relationship that is based around a power exchange between two people. One person is the controlling one, known as the Dominant; the other person is the controlled one, and is known as the submissive (note that ‘Dominant’ is usually capitalised and that ‘submissive’ is not). The submissive gives a certain amount of ‘power’ to the Dominant over their lives. This can be as simple as the Dominant telling them what to wear each day, or can be as complex as them having to ask the Dominant for permission to even leave the room. The important thing to note here is that we are talking about consensual relationships. The rights of the submissive are not taken from them, they are given freely during a period of negotiation.

Total Power Exchange

Arguably, the ‘pinnacle’ of D/s relationships is a Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship, where the submissive gives up all control to the Dominant. Total means just that. The Dominant controls every aspect of their lives from what they wear or eat, to where they go and who they see. There are many that claim to have this, but this Researcher has seen few real examples. It should be emphasised that this is only arguably the pinnacle of D/s relationships. The other side of the coin is that every D/s relationship is just as good no matter how much power is exchanged.

For more information see the following page: TPE

Some Terms

Before we go too much further, let’s define a few terms that exist within the D/s lifestyle:

  • Dominant – The person who has been given some amount of control over the submissive. Other terms describing them are Dom and Domme.
  • submissive – The person who gives some amount of control to the Dominant. Other terms describing them are sub, pet and slave.
  • D/s – Dominance and submission. A power exchange relationship.
  • Lifestyle – Generally those that practice D/s are part of ‘the lifestyle’. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a descriptive term.
  • Vanilla – a non-D/s relationship.
  • 24/7 – Living a D/s relationship 24 hours a day, seven days a week. To put it another way, you are always in a power exchange relationship.
  • Scene – The best way to describe this is to think of a ‘scene’ from a movie. This is one interaction between a Dom and a sub. It doesn’t have to be sexual; all that is required is that a power exchange has taken place. Those not in a 24/7 relationship tend to have ‘scenes’ where the power exchange happens. Even those in 24/7 relationships can have scenes, where the exchange becomes deeper.
  • Top – A person who Dominates for only a scene. If you think of it as a ‘one night stand’ in the D/s lifestyle you wouldn’t be quite correct, but it’s a good start. This doesn’t mean that the Top is a ‘Dominant’, just that the dominate for the one scene.
  • bottom – A person who is submissive for only a scene. This does not mean the person isalways a submissive, just that they are submissive for the scene. See ‘Top’.
  • Switch – Someone who switches between the Dominant and submissive roles.
  • Safewords – These are words that are used by either Dom or sub to slow down, or stop a scene. Having negotiated a safeword is very important. It means that if something is happening that makes either person uncomfortable, they can either back off a little, or stop.

See Page on: boys Bill of Rights

A Few Myths

Let’s look at what a D/s relationship isn’t.

D/s Isn’t about Abuse

Though the point has already been made it’s important to emphasise that this article is about aconsensual power exchange. Whatever happens to the sub, whatever demands are made of them, they have agreed to this. If they haven’t, if they never asked for this, or they don’t want this, then it’s an abusive relationship and is not the kind of relationship covered by this entry.

Please also note there are several articles within this blog that cover this very subject BDSM Vs Abuse.

submissives Aren’t always Women

If your image of a submissive is a woman, no matter how she’s dressed, think again. There are a great number of male submissives out there.

submissives Aren’t Weak

If someone has to have someone else run their lives for them they must be weak, right? Wrong. Many submissives are quite powerful people outside their D/s relationship: lawyers, managers, business people, police, soldiers and so on. For some, being a submissive in the home, or merely in the bedroom, is a way of escaping from the normal pressures of being in charge.

D/s Isn’t about Kinky Sex

Sure, D/s couples often have kinky sex. Then again, vanilla couples often do too. What defines a D/s relationship has very little to do with the methods used, so much as the power exchange. A simple ‘no’ when a sub asks if they can have a drink can have as much ‘power’ as getting them to kneel.

Entering a D/s Relationship

When two people are about to enter a D/s relationship, the first step is negotiation. This is a period where no power exchange occurs, but is a discussion where the parameters of the relationship are discussed. How much power will the Dominant have over the submissive? What hard limits do both have; that is, to what activities are one or both opposed? What will be the safewords? What will be the period of the relationship?

Often after negotiation a contract is drawn up, setting out all of the parameters discussed. In this way there can be no misunderstandings.

Collars

In most Western marriages, the symbols of the marriage are the wedding rings worn by the happy couple. You can probably think of a collar meaning a similar thing to a wedding ring, although in a D/s relationship it’s more common for only the sub to wear a collar to show that they are owned by or bound to a Dom.

Collars come in all shapes and sizes, from a leather collar that is remarkably similar to that worn by pets, to elegant necklaces that could be worn at the classiest society ball. A collar is a symbol and is therefore as individual as the Dominant and submissive within the D/s relationship.

Why on Earth Would you Go through all This?

It seems a D/s relationship is an awful lot of work, doesn’t it? Negotiation, contracts, safewords before you even get to the relationship itself. Yes, it is a lot of work, but the rewards can be worth it.

At this point it should be noted that a D/s relationship is not for everyone. Most relationships, even vanilla ones, contain power exchanges. In some relationships one partner is always Dominant, in other relationships whoever is Dominant changes almost constantly. That, however, doesn’t mean that the whole relationship should become a D/s one. Some couples only practice D/s in the bedroom, others in the home, others all the time and some never.

Like all relationships, good communication is needed to keep a D/s relationship on track. The difference here, is that it is essential to the success of a D/s relationship. The basis of a D/s relationship is trust. This is not just the trust that neither partner will cheat, but the sort of deep trust where the partners will trust each other with their lives. For the submissive, they need to trust the Dominant with their physical and mental health; to trust that the Dominant will guide and protect them. For the Dominant this means trusting that the submissive is totally truthful with them, giving them all the information they need to make good decisions.

As the communication flows more freely and the trust grows, the entire relationship becomes deeper and more fulfilling. This also applies to a vanilla relationship, but there isn’t necessarily the same impetus to keep communication flowing.

Traps and Pitfalls

The submissive gives power to the Dominant. This means the submissive can open themselves to abuse. This risk can be lessened by keeping the following in mind. They’re not bad guidelines for vanilla relationships either:

  • Don’t trust too easily. Trust is earned. Before giving someone power over you, make sure they can be trusted. Take time to learn about the person.
  • Go slowly. Don’t be impatient for it all to happen at once. Take it in small steps.
  • Be honest. Don’t say things just to please your partner. If you don’t like something, or are unsure, say so. By the same token, if you like it a lot, say so.
  • If there is the smallest hint of abuse, back off. No matter how good your partner is in other areas, if they are abusive, leave. Sometimes we do hurt others by mistake, but if there is obvious abusive behaviour, either mental or physical, then leave.
  • Remember that everyone is human, and thus can make mistakes. Don’t let a mistake ruin the relationship. Instead, talk about it openly, and try to learn something from it to help the relationship grow.

Image Source:Gaysome

 

RECON – Pup Not A Secret Life

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There has been much talk about the recent UK documentary about the secret life of the human pup. Whist this is currently only available in the UK, RECON has put out a short clip, with some pup play occurring in downtown Sydney. The clip demonstrates that the pup life is emerging and is not as secret as the documentary suggests. Once I am able to view the documentary I will be doing a review…

Recon Video:

 

Here is a pix of me at last years Queensland Pride Fair day, the acceptance of the the kink lifestyle has certainly assisted in pups of all walks of life being able to express their pup side and lifestyles not just behind closed doors, but also in the public arena.

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Many of the pups in Brisbane entered the dog show at Pride… It is truly a liberating experience.

PUP Ben DogShow

A big thank you to Kobi Cooke for making this possible….

SCOUT

Corporal Punishment / BDSM Lifestyle & Pup Play

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Originally I got this post idea from another blogger see original post: CP & BDSM Lifestyle and was written by Polthus

There is an article that I wrote that touched some of the subjects so I am going to add this here: Discipline Vs Punishment – A pup’s perspective and this was written by Pup Scout

I know it is customary to add sources and references at the end of a piece of writing, however I would encourage you guys to read the above links first before continuing onto reading the following article: Corporal Punishment / BDSM Lifestyle and Pup Play.

Corporal Punishment:

“Inflicting a graduating amount of pain, in order to maintain discipline or authority in a relation, or in a BDSM role playing scenario.”

–GayDemon

Meaning

A deliberate act of inflicting pain to a subject, for a perceived transgression of the rules. In sexual terms, it is used during various role playing activities associated with the BDSM community. However, it can take ‘milder forms’ in normal sexual situations, such as in the spanking of a buttocks.

All forms of punishment are basically corporal punishment, where the infraction may determine the amount of pain administered.

It is also a form of establishing one’s authority over another, such as in s/m culture, or BandD role playing.

History

As old as history, where society has ‘punished’ members of its society for rules infractions. It has ranged from caning (still practiced in some countries, such as Singapore)

Ancient Sparta was considered to have an extreme use of ‘corporal punishment’ which was used for toughening and strengthening. Rome would use ‘flogging’ as a form of public punishment. In addition it was limited to 40 lashes, actually 39 so as to insure not breaking the law.

Medieval Europe saw an increase in Corporal Punishment, especially in schools, due to the influence of the Church and it’s concept of the human body. This included the ‘religious’ practice of ‘self flagellation’ during one’s solitary prayers.

Some believed it was to help drive out the evil spirits, others thought it was to accept punishment for one’s mortal sins. It is rumored to still be a part of some obscure secular believers rituals.

It was also commonly used by the British Navy and Army in colonial times, for those who breached rules of conduct. Generally such punishments were supervised by medical personnel. They would stop such ‘flogging’ if the offender was incapable of receiving the full scope of punishment.

It has been used in some form or another, to enforce discipline in schools, and though mostly no longer allowed, some States in the USA still use ‘paddling’ as a form of punishment in its schools.

In some areas, corporal punishment was outlawed for girls, while still being allowed for males. In other regions, administration of corporal punishment is considered ‘abuse of a minor’ no matter the level of pain being inflicted.

In 1784, Poland was the first to ban spanking or corporal punishment in schools. The United States refused to sign the United Nations charter of the ‘Rights of Children’ (in 2004) because of the provision banning parents from ‘using excessive discipline’ though it didn’t specifically mention Corporal Punishment.

History (Legend): Noted German psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing claimed that there was a link between a child who experienced corporal punishment at home, later sadist and masochist behavior in their adult life., though Sigmund Freud disputed that correlation.

Practice

Can take various forms. It can be as mild as a few brief whacks across the bare buttocks of a partner, or can be more intensive, where a great deal of pain is inflicted.

It can include the use of various implements, like whips, paddles, hair brushes, and other firm objects. It can also cause damage if applied to more sensitive parts of the body. Usually such measures are applied to the more fleshy body parts, such as the buttocks.

The most used are the open ended palm of a hand, or a paddle.

Some BDSM role playing involved the ‘bottom’ deliberately creating a situation for the ‘top’ that various forms of ‘corporal punishment’ are administered. This can include whipping, paddling, and such.

During ‘impact play’ or other associated BDSM activities, corporal punishment takes on many forms. It can include any means of inflicting pain on a ‘submissive/bottom’. It is usually instigated by the ‘bottom/submissive’.

Being bound is not a requirement, though is generally accepted as being part of the whole ‘game’. Care has to be used, when using Corporal Punishment techniques, in order to avoid possible permanent injury to the ‘bottom’.

During any BDSM role playing, the USE OF A SAFEWORD will end the administration of the punishment.

In many instances various apparatuses are used, where the ‘bottom’ is forced to lay across or bent over, so that the ‘top’ can administer the punishment with an assorted variety of tools. The ‘bottom’ can be bound as well to these apparatuses, such as a ‘X’ type cross, trestle, bench, or other similar items.

Spanking or Paddling are more traditional during ‘age play’ scenes, and can be very painful. Flagellation is generally not involved in such scenes, but is left to the more ‘extreme’ role playing scenarios.

Most forms of Corporal Punishment are directed towards the buttocks, the back, the back of the upper legs, and the soles of the feet. Other body areas are far more riskier, in that very serious injury can be inflicted without being noticed.

There is also the ‘humiliation’ factor to be taken into account in this type of fetishism. While hitting the soles of one’s feet isn’t necessarily considered ‘humiliating’ it is extremely painful and the effects (pain) can last for lengthy periods of time.

The force of the blow can be a factor, but generally is administered in a less intense manner, but can be repeated over a lengthy time frame, increasing the sensitivity of the area being struck, thus increasing the pain being administered.

Noteworthy: In some countries, Corporal Punishment of Children is considered a form of abuse, though not some of the more ‘western’ countries (notably the United States, that defends the rights of parents to discipline their children as they see fit.). Most psychiatric experts note that such ‘punishment’ does not produce long term benefits, but actually the opposite effect. They claim it leads to more aggression from grown children who were subjected to regular corporal punishment.

 

Reference: Gay Demon – Source of above article: GAY-DEMON The above definitions, practice and history is not my work, the original article can be found at the link provided above.

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If a submissive is to be disciplined, should they be caned, whipped, beaten? Is utilising some form of  corporal punishment effective in modifying behavior or counterproductive?

It depends – of course – but my position is corporal punishment can be effective as long as the dominant is skilled, experienced, and mature. In regards to pup play I personally feel that for many submissive pups positive reinforcement is more likely to work then corporal punishment. The pup mentality generally wants to please their Handler or Alpha then disappoint. In saying that sometimes pups do need a firm hand. Once again I would say this would be open to the discussion between the parties involved.

Why would a submissive sound off on the topic? Because it’s been brought up repeatedly with in various internet circles, including Fetlife. I have seen many post on this topic with strong views that you should never strike a pup.  Mostly,  those arguing against the idea, use more emotion and second-hand anecdotes than informed reason and logic to make their points.  Basically it comes down to common sense and what has been communicated in that particular arrangement.

When Sir strikes me for being bad, I know it is justified and deserved and I have protocoles in place including a punishment register that enables me to reflect on my behaviour, what I did wrong and how I was punished.

Below are well-reasoned arguments for a hostile audience who’ll probably never read  a single word.

Qualifications are tedious but seem unavoidable given the subject.

Polthus explains that, “Punishment is an aspect of Lifestyle BDSM relationships that saliently sets them apart from conventional ones. Anyone who’s suffered through a lengthy drive in silence can attest to the fact that punishments exist in conventional relationships. However, behavior is coded in faux-egalitarianism and therefore erratic and often arbitrary. In contrast, those living in a lifestyle BDSM relationship usually have an explicit binary of power and specific rules which, if broken, lead to a submissive being punished. Yes, some lifestyle D/s relationships have looser strictures than others, and there are thousands of different dynamics, but some reduction is required to have a discussion.”

Back to the issue: to strike a submissive as a form of punishment or not.

Common arguments against corporal punishment tend to run as follows: a beating rewards a masochist; it doesn’t matter if the attention is negative because it’s still attention; a dominant might abuse their power and harm the submissive; mixing ‘fun’ activities with genuine punishment leads to confusion and resentment; or ‘funishments’ lead to bratty or SAMmy  (Smart Ass Masochist) behavior.

I’ll address the ‘against arguments’ later, but for now here’s my working axiom for understanding why corporal punishment is  effective:

An experienced  dominant knows  how to make the most pleasant activity an awful experience.

If you catch someone indulging in one cigar, how might you teach them a lesson? A common approach is to have them smoke five in a row. The same logic applies to eating cotton candy, riding a carousel, or damn near any other combination of verb and noun. In regards to corporal punishment, a logical disconnect seems to occur because the same tools/toys used for pleasure are being utilised to punish. Furthermore, tools such as the crop, or paddle have connotations that tend to evoke emotional responses as opposed to rational ones. Yet as I just demonstrated, pretty much ‘anything’ can be a source of discomfort.

A skilled dominant can make a punishment beating an experience that even an avowed masochist will avoid by using a combination of psychology, preparation, setting, and relentless repetition. Essentially, it’s the same cocktail used to launch a sub into space – except in reverse. The experience becomes one full of unpleasant and painful sensations that are as inescapable because the dominant makes them so.

Safe Words – Please see Polthus view on Safe Words [ safe words here.] Whilst I agree with the uses and setting up safe words, the link shows another view that always should be considered. As I have previously mentioned in other blog posts, I would assume that your play partner would be familiar with the practice of  SSC, and would also practice RACK or PRICK or both.

This post IS NOT a ‘how to’ guide, I won’t provide an example of a punishment session. However, agree or disagree with my position, anyone who’s experienced in BDSM can understand the concept above. And for fucks sake – if you’re just getting your toes wet with kinky sex and lifestyle dynamics, please find an experienced mentor before you hurt yourself or someone else.

That said, here’s a brief response to the arguments against corporal punishment in lifestyle BDSM relationships:

“A masochist is being rewarded” – If we’re talking about someone ‘hard core,’ someone who derives sexual pleasure and catharsis from raw pain no matter who’s causing it and why, then yes, an extreme masochist would be rewarded. But we’re not talking about the fringe extremes here are we? And even if we were, the statement above leaves out a key component of psychology- the submissive desire to please their dominant.

Because if the person being punished is a submissive masochist, the event occurring means their dominant is so displeased with their behavior that they’ve set aside a portion of the day to address it means they fucked up badly. This knowledge can be part of what’s used to keep a submissive from deriving pleasure when being punished. Additionally, a dominant who knows what they’re doing has a pocketful of tactics to keep a sub from floating away on endorphins or escaping into their own mind.

Understanding the psychology of punishment and how it’s enacted, destroys the idea of ‘funishments’ and concerns over confusion. And, look, if you cannot differentiate between the ways ‘fun beatings’ and ‘punishment’ are very different beasts, then you probably shouldn’t be dispensing corporal punishment as serious aspect of your relationship.

I will add that displeasure or not pleasing your dominant, for both many submissive’s and pups is more than enough to realise they have fucked up, and should be used to ensure they understand the difference between a pleasurable beating and one that is meant for punishment.

As for dominants being abusive, that’s a completely separate issue. Why? Because they have the same tools and power to be abusive whenever they damn well please. And the tools themselves are just as much of a strawman as the nature of the relationship. Since when have abusive rageoholics required rules and rituals to oppress others? An abusive dominant that lacks self-control is dangerous to their submissive – full stop. The fact they have or have not incorporated beating someone as punishment is beside the point.

I have written two blog posts on BDSM Vs Abuse Part 1 & Part 2.

More often than mot, people tend to believe the knowledge they receive first without question. It’s human nature to do so. However, far be it from me to prescribe whether rational adults should or should not do something behind closed doors.

But if you want to know whether corporal punishment can be an effective  means of correction, my answer is yes. Generally speaking the Dominants that I play with or train under are very experienced, they tend to know what makes me tick and I respect the Dominant that is training me.  Those are three  significant reasons I’m quite keen to avoid punishment.

Let’s be clear, knowing someone has the power to whip my ass until they decide I’ve had enough is arousing. However, I have ZERO desire to get a lesson beat into me. If you cannot grasp the seduction of giving up power and the appeal of the  ‘unfairness’ in a D/s relationship, then either a D/s is not for your or you have just commenced your journey.

For those that are commencing their journeys will need to understand the seduction of giving up power and placing your trust into the hands of your dominant who will in-turn be a protector of that trust. And just as Polthus explains the appeal of the unfairness in a D/s relationship goes to the heart of the TPE.

 

Most of the above texted I have not edited and left as is, as I agree with it, I wish to thank Polthus who has expressed the desire for their writings to be shared. And I encourage you to read their post in it entirety.

What has this all got to do with pup play?

Just like every D/s dynamic where there is a perceived power exchange, power imbalance or however you wish to describe it, pup play can very well fall into this category. And whether your a pup, and Alpha or Handler, etc. in the pup community you need to be aware, and be able to communicate your desires, and needs.

It must be noted the pup is not the only one that has the needs and desires that are needing to be meant, whilst many appear to forget the Handlers in much of their writings. The Handlers or the Dominants of the dynamic are equally  as important as the pup.

As the community grows and people bring in their own interpretations of pup play, and include other kinks such as corporal punishment, we need to be open about this without discouraging others ideas. I will be discussing such ideas and cross overs in my next blog post. The take home message is just because it something you do not believe in dose not make it wrong, pup play can take many forms and have many interpretations

Once again it is a lifestyle that you make and how you explore it, this is entirely up to you, just remember communicate, negotiate and stay safe. Unfortunately there are the existence of the Creepy Dom. Whilst 99% of the Dom’s I have can in contact with have been absolutely awesome, there are some that you stay away from, and that inculdes anyone willing to take away your rights before you are ready to give them up.

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BUSY

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Hey all,

I have been extremely busy in the last few Months, however I will be updating the site, including adding a Q-PAH Tab, updating the galleries, and intruding LPA, My gaol is to have this updated by 1st December 2015, with a soft Launch of LPA.

I have also added a Twitter account, and I will be doing regular updates on Tumblr.

I thank all my supports and followers, but as our lives change and we follow our paths and journeys,  sometimes we must make sure we have time for ourselves.

I will also be creating mini workshops to be launched in February 2016. Stay tuned and watch this space for many updates.

 

Nothing is set in stone everything evolves…

 

pupSpanky Logo Final V1.S

13

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13This is a milestone in my life one that I will remember forever.

Those who follow my post, would hopefully know the following facts:

  1. I am a leather pup…
  2. SM-Leatherboy is my partner and has been for the last 16 years
  3. Hazy is SM-Leatherboy’s Sir
  4. This may be a little ambiguous, or not yet discussed, but I am now under training from Sir Hazy. This occurred over Christmas as I completed my first task and was accepted by Sir.
  5. I am sharing my experiences and education from a pup’s perspective.
  6. I enjoy partaking in BDSM activities inciting exploring and extending my boundaries and limitations in many of the aspects of BDSM, therefore some of my posts are about my adventures, experience’s, whilst others are educational.

So what has all this have to do with 13?

On Christmas Day both SM Leatherboy and I were invited to stay at Sir’s house and to spend the day with him and have a leather Christmas… (A post about this day will follow soon)

I have been privileged to go on this journey with extraordinary men; this includes Hazy, my partner – SM Leatherboy, Kobi, Dominius, Maximus and many others. These guys have influenced my journey and allowed me to grow as a leather pup. In all this it is my desire that I will be a better pup and one that leads by example and is a positive model for not only our pup community but also for our leather community.

 

I still hear you say, what has this to do with 13?

 

On Christmas day, I received my most favorite and precious gift from my man, (more on this in a further posts about my experiences and adventurers at my first leather christmas.

On Christmas day Hazy called SM Leather boy over and got him to knee before him.

 

I watched as Hazy gave SM-Leather Boy his new name… 13

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This was a special moment as this is a part of his journey, which is also a part of mine; this is a moment we both shared together.

 

SM-LeatherBoy is no more, from this point I will refer to him as 13 for all future posts.

 

Fact: 13 has been my partner for the past 16 years, I have the honor and privilege to share my life with him, to grow and evolve with him, even after everything I have done. I love him more then ever, and could not image what it would be like without my 13.

 

There are times I reject him, and those times are not truths as I would walk lost with out him, many times when I needed to be carried when everyone has deserted me, he has been there.

 

So on the 25th December, 13 was named by his Sir, from this day fourth I refer to him by his name. I enjoy watching the bond and interaction he has with Sir. He is my sexy man and I will and have always loved him.

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