I want to thank all those that have made comments both through this blog and social media on the recent topic of male chastity. One of Brisbane’s GLBTIQ and leather community supporters has included one of the chastity blogs on their business blog so go and check them out in store or online:
There is more to come on Male Chastity but here are the first two blog posts and you can also find it on the Spunk’D Blog and Dave94015. be sure to check out there blogs they are full of great articles and information.
Male Chastity is a great addition to play whether it be for singles, couples, thruple (polyamory) or a D/s style relationship. It allows for the development of trust and is designed to allow the caged guy to really ensure that his play partner is looked after so he is released in order to also ejaculate. Keeping in mind that this is also a fetish and many guys or couples explore this as a lifestyle and the caged guy may go from a short term caged experience to a more long term 24/7 caged lifestyle that could go on for days, weeks or months.
For my Brisbane based readers, Spunk’D Leather and Fetish Store (www.spunkd.com.au) have experienced retail staff that will be happy to assist you with both the right fight, the device that you are after and generalised advice on male chastity. By all means drop by as you never know when the pup will be there to assist you.
Whether you will be playing with a partner or alone, Enforced Chastity
Enforced chastity is surrendering sexual control to another. Most typically, a male surrenders his ability to orgasm to another. Frequently, a chastity device is secured to the male’s penis to prevent erection and orgasm.
requires hardware that will safely keep your penis out of trouble and safely under the control of your Key-holder.
The person who retains control of the male’s penis in enforced male chastity. The term key-holder refers to holding the key that locks a chastity device.
In a Dom/sub relationship generally speaking the key-holder is the Dominant, however there are instances where other negotiations occur, an example of this is that if a person is in a D/s and also in a partnership/relationship with another person. The other partner (not in the D/s) may also be a key-holder. Another example the submissive may also be trusted with a key, say a long distance releationship.
For long term wear, more than an hour or two, any device must be able to:
Prevent useful erections. Your body will try to get you hard no matter what device you wear. However, an effective one will contain the effort and deny any sexual pleasure.
Allow you to perform the usual bodily functions. If you can’t pee wearing it, the amount of time you can stay locked up is very short.
Permit ventilation. Human skin is not meant to be wet all the time. Any device that prevents sweat, pee, or any other moisture from evaporating will promote irritations and infections.
Let you keep it clean. Even if you have a chastity belt that prevents getting close to your penis, it must allow you to get water inside to keep you clean. It doesn’t take very long for a really bad smell to develop if you can’t clean up.
Wear Comfortably. If you are in pain while you are caged, you and your key-holder will become tired of Enforced male chastity. The Getting A Good Fit section offers valuable advice.
Provide reasonable security. More about that later.
There is a lot of mythology about chastity belts. Supposedly, men locked up their women before heading out to the Crusades. The fact is that there is no evidence of any chastity devices existing prior to the Victorian era. In that time, chastity belts and other devices were developed for “medical” reasons; namely to prevent excessive male masturbation. It was believed that erection and masturbation by boys would damage their minds and promote insanity. Female chastity devices have never been very successful. The myths would have us believe that men of yore locked up their women to prevent them from bearing bastards. The fact is that any attempt to block the vagina also blocks its ability to keep itself clean. Fungal infections and worse occur frequently. Fortunately, we males don’t have that problem and can be safely locked up for extensive long periods of time.
A common fantasy is that you are locked in an escape-proof device and will never be able to free your penis or stimulate it without your key-holder’s permission. A decade ago the most popular male chastity pass time was to defeat the latest devices. This is an expensive hobby since high end chastity devices can run hundreds of dollars. Virtually all of these “escape artists” were single men who locked themselves up. There were relatively few couples practicing male chastity in the pan community.
Chastity in the gay BDSM community has been more commonly used and in the 1960’s and 70’s these devices were more common in such specialty leather and fetish stores, such as Mr – S – Leather and Eagle Leather. These days the devices are more readily available both online and at many adult and fetish outlets. In Brisbane Spunk’d is one such outlet that has these devices both in store and online. It is a common practice that within many gay D/s dynamics that the submissive (also may be referred to as the slave or boy) experienced being caged, as a part of his training. This generally meant he could only be allowed to cum, with the permission of the key-holder.
This wasn’t just an occurrence in the male to male (gay) D/s this was also common in other BDSM relationships with a female lead role as a Dominatrix or Mistress.
Just as the internet became such an essential aspect of our daily lives, it played a role in BDSM – Including the D/s and M/s relationships. It is now possible to have a key-holder across the other side of the country or the world, who would give you permission to release yourself. As technology developed and demand changed chastity devices also evolved from just being available in metal to also being available in plastics and now silicone. The result of this advance has meant that the locked boy could have the device on for longer periods, and whilst in transit, such as going through airport security.
There are instances that I am aware of where Master and boy reside in different parts of the globe for work reasons, and they have found the use of Chastity and gaining such permission for release has strengthened both their trust and the dynamics behind their power exchange relationship. This strengthening some have reported has alleviated some of the stresses between the distances between the individuals.
Below is a range of male chastity devices currently on the market, it is a small selection compared to what is available.
The reason escape-proof devices are so elusive is that male sexual anatomy is surprisingly adaptable. The human penis has no bone. Other mammals have penile bones that support the penis during intercourse. The human penis is essentially an inflatable toy. When not aroused the penis is an extremely flexible little tube. It’s flaccid. As such, it can be compressed, stretched, bent, and twisted. Since the purpose of enforced chastity is to keep that little guy in the flaccid state, any device must be designed to prevent it from using that very flexibility to defeat it.
A completely normal penis can shrink down to less than an inch in length. Since any cage or tube needs a gap that will allow the scrotum to hang below the cage, this tiny guy can be encouraged to escape through that gap. Once out, it can enjoy itself without permission or supervision.
To prevent this, some devices have blunt pins on the body end of the cage that are supposed to cause pain if extraction is attempted. Pins can be quite long and cause serious discomfort for a naughty boy. Some are even sharpened. This won’t completely prevent escape, but it will discourage it. There is a problem: each time the little guy tries to get hard its diameter increases. If there is an anti-pullout pin, that pin will dig painfully into the shaft. You might be thinking, “Well isn’t that the point?” Not completely. Every male has involuntary erections in his sleep. So, if you don’t enjoy being awakened a couple of times a night by a painful jab in your penis, you will find the anti-pullout pins unbearable.
Back in the day of escape artist play, several companies around the world made full male chastity belts. These belts effectively prevented any possibility of escape. However, the belts are made of metal and must be sized for each wearer. If the male gains or loses weight, the belt will no longer fit. These belts are expensive too and prevent a full range of motion. For most of us they are simply impractical.
For the rest of us who can’t wear full belts, we need to cooperate with our key-holders. Obviously, any practical device has the potential of escape. How much potential is a trade between comfort and security. Since we are asking or consenting to be locked up, we should have the self control to not attempt escape. Those of us who are locked 24/7 need the ability to enjoy uninterrupted sleep and to go about our daily business while remaining caged. The trade off is that we have to not attempt escape.
In a D/s situation the submissive should be wanting to please his Dominant It was our idea, we should be able to do that. Right? On the other hand, we also want to feel that we are securely locked up and that our key-holders truly own our cocks. I know that I can’t easily escape my cage and I am pretty sure that if I do, I won’t be able to get it back in so my transgression will be noticed. I don’t want to think about what would happen if it is discovered that the cage went on an independent field trip. That is sufficient deterrent for me.
I wondered if I secretly unlocked myself because I wanted to play with someone, would there be visual evidence. It turns out there is. I was out of my cage for almost six days and It would be completely obvious to anyone who looked that I wear a device. It’s just like the mark left when the wedding ring is removed. Enough said.
Let’s face it, our fantasies never consider the comfort of our confinement. However, spend thirty minutes in an uncomfortable device and you will see that comfort jumps to the top of the priority list. Having rigid steel or plastic enclosing our genitals is a comfort challenge. Sensitive skin can easily be pinched, scratched and bruised. Imagine sitting at your desk while your cage is cutting into your little penis. Very distracting to say the least.
More times then not, when you experience discomfort that turns to pain you will be begging for release in no time.
The original author at male chasitity journal has set up a page on how to get a good fit, I suggest you follow that link as it will help getting things right – Getting A Good Fit
A boy who is both secure and reasonably comfortable will be able to be caged for a longer period, and will not be concerned about disappointing his Dominant to have the device removed before the desired timeframe. You submit to please your Dominant, and when you do not meet such expectations (weather actual or self perceived) it can cause you anguish. However when you are experiencing the wrong sort of pain or discomfort, it is essential to speak up and communicate this, as your Dominant wants to know this so adjustments can be made. Generally your training and enjoyment is just as important to him, as it is to you. Remember your submission is your gift to him, and he is the protector of both your submission and trust.
There are many designs for chastity devices; as illustrated in the pictures throughout this article. While you may want to select yours based on appearance and apparent security, the first consideration has to be fit. You will not be able to wear a badly fitting device. It’s that simple.
There are many designs for chastity devices; as illustrated in the pictures throughout this article. While you may want to select yours based on appearance and apparent security, the first consideration has to be fit. You will not be able to wear a badly fitting device. It’s that simple.
A good fit is a very good start. Next, consider what you wear with your device. Most of the good chastity devices are virtually invisible under clothing. Generally no one can tell when a guy is caged. However, invisibility is only one factor. The second is support. We are all built differently and how we and our key-holder’s cage work together will determine how comfortable we are when wearing clothes. Your jocks can spell the difference between a comfortable day and a miserable one. I personally like either briefs or jockstraps, I have found in the limited use of a cage jock straps work best for me and I can carry out all daily functions. However the source of this article suggests the following:
I like briefs and have been wearing Ex-Officio briefs for years. However, with my cage on, they just didn’t provide the support and cushioning I need to get through my day pain free. By chance I discovered Wearever men’s incontinence underwear. These are very normal looking briefs that have some padding in the front and down through the crotch. They even have a fly. It turns out that the combination of the way the brief is made and the padding provides a nice resting place for my key-holder’s toy. I can sit, walk, run, and move about without any discomfort. The underwear looks fine so that even if I am seen in it, no one would guess there is anything going on. An added benefit is that the padding further hides any edges of my cage from showing through my pants, even tight jeans. The padding is also treated to kill any odours, so if I drip, which sometimes happens after I pee, there is no trace.
While the primary objective of enforced male chastity may be transfer of ownership and control of your penis to your key-holder, just as important is to be able to safely and comfortably wear their cage for as long as yoy like. If you are uncomfortable, you won’t be able to make this dream come true. Communication with your key holder is essential.
Generally as a university graduate I never refer to wikipedia, however in this instance I am going to make an exemption and provide a link for some additional reading:
Enforced chastity is surrendering sexual control to another. Most typically, a male surrenders his ability to orgasm to another. Frequently, a chastity device is secured to the male’s penis to prevent erection and orgasm.
The person who retains control of the male’s penis in enforced male chastity. The term keyholder refers to holding the key that locks a chastity device
Enforced Male Chastity:
Control of a male’s penis, usually with a device. Masturbation, sex, orgasm, and erections are controlled by the key-holder.
Edging (edge play):
Edging is bringing someone right up to the edge of orgasm and stopping the stimulation before he ejaculates, this can be used in milking or adding stimulation to keep the locked boy wanting more. See further reading: Orgasm Control
A top is the dominant partner in a BDSM power exchange.
I know it is customary to add sources and references at the end of a piece of writing, however I would encourage you guys to read the above links first before continuing onto reading the following article: Corporal Punishment / BDSM Lifestyle and Pup Play.
“Inflicting a graduating amount of pain, in order to maintain discipline or authority in a relation, or in a BDSM role playing scenario.”
A deliberate act of inflicting pain to a subject, for a perceived transgression of the rules. In sexual terms, it is used during various role playing activities associated with the BDSM community. However, it can take ‘milder forms’ in normal sexual situations, such as in the spanking of a buttocks.
All forms of punishment are basically corporal punishment, where the infraction may determine the amount of pain administered.
It is also a form of establishing one’s authority over another, such as in s/m culture, or BandD role playing.
As old as history, where society has ‘punished’ members of its society for rules infractions. It has ranged from caning (still practiced in some countries, such as Singapore)
Ancient Sparta was considered to have an extreme use of ‘corporal punishment’ which was used for toughening and strengthening. Rome would use ‘flogging’ as a form of public punishment. In addition it was limited to 40 lashes, actually 39 so as to insure not breaking the law.
Medieval Europe saw an increase in Corporal Punishment, especially in schools, due to the influence of the Church and it’s concept of the human body. This included the ‘religious’ practice of ‘self flagellation’ during one’s solitary prayers.
Some believed it was to help drive out the evil spirits, others thought it was to accept punishment for one’s mortal sins. It is rumored to still be a part of some obscure secular believers rituals.
It was also commonly used by the British Navy and Army in colonial times, for those who breached rules of conduct. Generally such punishments were supervised by medical personnel. They would stop such ‘flogging’ if the offender was incapable of receiving the full scope of punishment.
It has been used in some form or another, to enforce discipline in schools, and though mostly no longer allowed, some States in the USA still use ‘paddling’ as a form of punishment in its schools.
In some areas, corporal punishment was outlawed for girls, while still being allowed for males. In other regions, administration of corporal punishment is considered ‘abuse of a minor’ no matter the level of pain being inflicted.
In 1784, Poland was the first to ban spanking or corporal punishment in schools. The United States refused to sign the United Nations charter of the ‘Rights of Children’ (in 2004) because of the provision banning parents from ‘using excessive discipline’ though it didn’t specifically mention Corporal Punishment.
History (Legend): Noted German psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing claimed that there was a link between a child who experienced corporal punishment at home, later sadist and masochist behavior in their adult life., though Sigmund Freud disputed that correlation.
Can take various forms. It can be as mild as a few brief whacks across the bare buttocks of a partner, or can be more intensive, where a great deal of pain is inflicted.
It can include the use of various implements, like whips, paddles, hair brushes, and other firm objects. It can also cause damage if applied to more sensitive parts of the body. Usually such measures are applied to the more fleshy body parts, such as the buttocks.
The most used are the open ended palm of a hand, or a paddle.
Some BDSM role playing involved the ‘bottom’ deliberately creating a situation for the ‘top’ that various forms of ‘corporal punishment’ are administered. This can include whipping, paddling, and such.
During ‘impact play’ or other associated BDSM activities, corporal punishment takes on many forms. It can include any means of inflicting pain on a ‘submissive/bottom’. It is usually instigated by the ‘bottom/submissive’.
Being bound is not a requirement, though is generally accepted as being part of the whole ‘game’. Care has to be used, when using Corporal Punishment techniques, in order to avoid possible permanent injury to the ‘bottom’.
During any BDSM role playing, the USE OF A SAFEWORD will end the administration of the punishment.
In many instances various apparatuses are used, where the ‘bottom’ is forced to lay across or bent over, so that the ‘top’ can administer the punishment with an assorted variety of tools. The ‘bottom’ can be bound as well to these apparatuses, such as a ‘X’ type cross, trestle, bench, or other similar items.
Spanking or Paddling are more traditional during ‘age play’ scenes, and can be very painful. Flagellation is generally not involved in such scenes, but is left to the more ‘extreme’ role playing scenarios.
Most forms of Corporal Punishment are directed towards the buttocks, the back, the back of the upper legs, and the soles of the feet. Other body areas are far more riskier, in that very serious injury can be inflicted without being noticed.
There is also the ‘humiliation’ factor to be taken into account in this type of fetishism. While hitting the soles of one’s feet isn’t necessarily considered ‘humiliating’ it is extremely painful and the effects (pain) can last for lengthy periods of time.
The force of the blow can be a factor, but generally is administered in a less intense manner, but can be repeated over a lengthy time frame, increasing the sensitivity of the area being struck, thus increasing the pain being administered.
Noteworthy: In some countries, Corporal Punishment of Children is considered a form of abuse, though not some of the more ‘western’ countries (notably the United States, that defends the rights of parents to discipline their children as they see fit.). Most psychiatric experts note that such ‘punishment’ does not produce long term benefits, but actually the opposite effect. They claim it leads to more aggression from grown children who were subjected to regular corporal punishment.
Reference: Gay Demon – Source of above article: GAY-DEMON The above definitions, practice and history is not my work, the original article can be found at the link provided above.
If a submissive is to be disciplined, should they be caned, whipped, beaten? Is utilising some form of corporal punishment effective in modifying behavior or counterproductive?
It depends – of course – but my position is corporal punishment can be effective as long as the dominant is skilled, experienced, and mature. In regards to pup play I personally feel that for many submissive pups positive reinforcement is more likely to work then corporal punishment. The pup mentality generally wants to please their Handler or Alpha then disappoint. In saying that sometimes pups do need a firm hand. Once again I would say this would be open to the discussion between the parties involved.
Why would a submissive sound off on the topic? Because it’s been brought up repeatedly with in various internet circles, including Fetlife. I have seen many post on this topic with strong views that you should never strike a pup. Mostly, those arguing against the idea, use more emotion and second-hand anecdotes than informed reason and logic to make their points. Basically it comes down to common sense and what has been communicated in that particular arrangement.
When Sir strikes me for being bad, I know it is justified and deserved and I have protocoles in place including a punishment register that enables me to reflect on my behaviour, what I did wrong and how I was punished.
Below are well-reasoned arguments for a hostile audience who’ll probably never read a single word.
Qualifications are tedious but seem unavoidable given the subject.
Polthus explains that, “Punishment is an aspect of Lifestyle BDSM relationships that saliently sets them apart from conventional ones. Anyone who’s suffered through a lengthy drive in silence can attest to the fact that punishments exist in conventional relationships. However, behavior is coded in faux-egalitarianism and therefore erratic and often arbitrary. In contrast, those living in a lifestyle BDSM relationship usually have an explicit binary of power and specific rules which, if broken, lead to a submissive being punished. Yes, some lifestyle D/s relationships have looser strictures than others, and there are thousands of different dynamics, but some reduction is required to have a discussion.”
Back to the issue: to strike a submissive as a form of punishment or not.
Common arguments against corporal punishment tend to run as follows: a beating rewards a masochist; it doesn’t matter if the attention is negative because it’s still attention; a dominant might abuse their power and harm the submissive; mixing ‘fun’ activities with genuine punishment leads to confusion and resentment; or ‘funishments’ lead to bratty or SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) behavior.
I’ll address the ‘against arguments’ later, but for now here’s my working axiom for understanding why corporal punishment is effective:
An experienced dominant knows how to make the most pleasant activity an awful experience.
If you catch someone indulging in one cigar, how might you teach them a lesson? A common approach is to have them smoke five in a row. The same logic applies to eating cotton candy, riding a carousel, or damn near any other combination of verb and noun. In regards to corporal punishment, a logical disconnect seems to occur because the same tools/toys used for pleasure are being utilised to punish. Furthermore, tools such as the crop, or paddle have connotations that tend to evoke emotional responses as opposed to rational ones. Yet as I just demonstrated, pretty much ‘anything’ can be a source of discomfort.
A skilled dominant can make a punishment beating an experience that even an avowed masochist will avoid by using a combination of psychology, preparation, setting, and relentless repetition. Essentially, it’s the same cocktail used to launch a sub into space – except in reverse. The experience becomes one full of unpleasant and painful sensations that are as inescapable because the dominant makes them so.
Safe Words – Please see Polthus view on Safe Words [ safe words here.] Whilst I agree with the uses and setting up safe words, the link shows another view that always should be considered. As I have previously mentioned in other blog posts, I would assume that your play partner would be familiar with the practice of SSC, and would also practice RACK or PRICK or both.
This post IS NOT a ‘how to’ guide, I won’t provide an example of a punishment session. However, agree or disagree with my position, anyone who’s experienced in BDSM can understand the concept above. And for fucks sake – if you’re just getting your toes wet with kinky sex and lifestyle dynamics, please find an experienced mentor before you hurt yourself or someone else.
That said, here’s a brief response to the arguments against corporal punishment in lifestyle BDSM relationships:
“A masochist is being rewarded” – If we’re talking about someone ‘hard core,’ someone who derives sexual pleasure and catharsis from raw pain no matter who’s causing it and why, then yes, an extreme masochist would be rewarded. But we’re not talking about the fringe extremes here are we? And even if we were, the statement above leaves out a key component of psychology- the submissive desire to please their dominant.
Because if the person being punished is a submissive masochist, the event occurring means their dominant is so displeased with their behavior that they’ve set aside a portion of the day to address it means they fucked up badly. This knowledge can be part of what’s used to keep a submissive from deriving pleasure when being punished. Additionally, a dominant who knows what they’re doing has a pocketful of tactics to keep a sub from floating away on endorphins or escaping into their own mind.
Understanding the psychology of punishment and how it’s enacted, destroys the idea of ‘funishments’ and concerns over confusion. And, look, if you cannot differentiate between the ways ‘fun beatings’ and ‘punishment’ are very different beasts, then you probably shouldn’t be dispensing corporal punishment as serious aspect of your relationship.
I will add that displeasure or not pleasing your dominant, for both many submissive’s and pups is more than enough to realise they have fucked up, and should be used to ensure they understand the difference between a pleasurable beating and one that is meant for punishment.
As for dominants being abusive, that’s a completely separate issue. Why? Because they have the same tools and power to be abusive whenever they damn well please. And the tools themselves are just as much of a strawman as the nature of the relationship. Since when have abusive rageoholics required rules and rituals to oppress others? An abusive dominant that lacks self-control is dangerous to their submissive – full stop. The fact they have or have not incorporated beating someone as punishment is beside the point.
I have written two blog posts on BDSM Vs Abuse Part 1 & Part 2.
More often than mot, people tend to believe the knowledge they receive first without question. It’s human nature to do so. However, far be it from me to prescribe whether rational adults should or should not do something behind closed doors.
But if you want to know whether corporal punishment can be an effective means of correction, my answer is yes. Generally speaking the Dominants that I play with or train under are very experienced, they tend to know what makes me tick and I respect the Dominant that is training me. Those are three significant reasons I’m quite keen to avoid punishment.
Let’s be clear, knowing someone has the power to whip my ass until they decide I’ve had enough is arousing. However, I have ZERO desire to get a lesson beat into me. If you cannot grasp the seduction of giving up power and the appeal of the ‘unfairness’ in a D/s relationship, then either a D/s is not for your or you have just commenced your journey.
For those that are commencing their journeys will need to understand the seduction of giving up power and placing your trust into the hands of your dominant who will in-turn be a protector of that trust. And just as Polthus explains the appeal of the unfairness in a D/s relationship goes to the heart of the TPE.
Most of the above texted I have not edited and left as is, as I agree with it, I wish to thank Polthus who has expressed the desire for their writings to be shared. And I encourage you to read their post in it entirety.
What has this all got to do with pup play?
Just like every D/s dynamic where there is a perceived power exchange, power imbalance or however you wish to describe it, pup play can very well fall into this category. And whether your a pup, and Alpha or Handler, etc. in the pup community you need to be aware, and be able to communicate your desires, and needs.
It must be noted the pup is not the only one that has the needs and desires that are needing to be meant, whilst many appear to forget the Handlers in much of their writings. The Handlers or the Dominants of the dynamic are equally as important as the pup.
As the community grows and people bring in their own interpretations of pup play, and include other kinks such as corporal punishment, we need to be open about this without discouraging others ideas. I will be discussing such ideas and cross overs in my next blog post. The take home message is just because it something you do not believe in dose not make it wrong, pup play can take many forms and have many interpretations
Once again it is a lifestyle that you make and how you explore it, this is entirely up to you, just remember communicate, negotiate and stay safe. Unfortunately there are the existence of the Creepy Dom. Whilst 99% of the Dom’s I have can in contact with have been absolutely awesome, there are some that you stay away from, and that inculdes anyone willing to take away your rights before you are ready to give them up.
I previously explored the notion of “No Limits” and agreed with a perspective of another blogger. – No Limits In the discussion, there is a mention on No Limits and its meanings, clearly if you are playing with someone you would expect it to be Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC). So having limbs removed is not something that would be placed onto a hard limit as it would be implied.
Firstly to understand limits, I guess we need to have a basic illustration of the various activities that we may explore and indulge. Keeping in mind that the illustration below does not include everything, and you may or may not agree with it in it entirely.
As you can see there is a wide range of activities, and other aspects that may change the dynamic of the activity. It would be extremely rare that nay individual would have no limits, and to get to a point of minimal limits there certainly would be many boundaries that would both need to be explored and pushed.
Keeping in mind that I have not participated in every activity, dose not mean I am going to list every activity that I would consider as a hard limit, for example I would not be happy to explore kitten play, in fact I would generally refuse to, is that a hard limit? For some people yes they would consider that a hard limit, whilst I would not par take, it certainly is not a hard limit, and just like all BDSM activities and play negotiation is the key to success.
So I came up with a basic idea for Limits and exploration of boundaries, keeping in mind we will accept the premises that the person or people, that I am going to explore my limits and / or boundaries understand and practice SSC.
Exploration of Limits:
Medium Pushing Boundaries
No Limits – Safety Only
Deep Anal Play
Exchange of Bodily Fluids
Cutting (Boarder on Hard Limit)
Military Role Play
Anal Play & Toys
Wiling to Explore, negotiation required. Boundaries will be explored and pushed
Some negotiation required, Happy to explore, some boundaries will be explored and pushed
Open for exploration
Consideration of Safety
There are so many activities out there I have not listed as the list would just be enormous. Keep in mind that; other then the hard limits, the activities listed are not set in stone and may change over time, as my views or desires change or are explored. However negotiation is always key.
BDSM for me is about a journey of exploration of your sexuality and this goes without saying;
“your kink may not be my kink, but that is ok!”
An example of this is pups that are into diaper play, to me this is confronting and I have listed it as a hard limit as I have no desire or wiliness to consider such kink, yet if this sort of activity is your kink, then by all mean do it, explore it and have fun.
This I guess is the take home message, it is ok not to wish to explore an aspect of a kink, but it is not OK to prevent another person from exploring their kink, providing it is not hurting anyone, and their is active consent involved.
What has this to do with pup play?
Simply pup play has many cross overs with many other kinks and BDSM activities, for example leather and or rubber, and restraints and D/s, just to name a few. So it is important for pups and Handlers (Anyone really that has a Kinky lifestyle and practices BDSM activities) to be aware of their limits, boundaries and what they are willing to explore and what boundaries they are willing to push… But most importantly what is off limits (your hard limits) and this goes for all parties involved in the transaction of the desired activity.
I have also noticed that pup play whilst a lifestyle and a kink on it own right, is starting to delve into many areas of BDSM, whist generally many would argue that you should not flog a pup, or zap a pup with electrodes, and on some levels I agree. The dilemma is that if the community saids you can’t do something then a pup who likes to be flogged or a handler that likes to flog a pup, may feel ostracised and not interact with the community. So my advice is that if it is not harming anyone, and they are consenting adults then let them have their fun.
Keeping in mind some pups headspace is that the pup mindset, whilst other incorporate sex into their pup headspace. Hence why we are all individuals, and why when entering into play or headspace it is essential to communicate and be honest with your intentions or what you are willing to explore.
D/s or M/s BDSM Limits and Boundaries
If you are entering into a D/s or M/s relationship and/or dynamic the above table could be a starting point on communicating to your perspective play mate(s) your needs and desires and what is a no go zone for you. However for the inexperienced the above table allows the individual to have a greater understanding and a method of communicating what they will do, will explore and what they will not do.
Remember this is based on my experiences and everyones Limits and boundaries are different and will be communicated and is as individual and unique as the person.
Creating your own table, allows you to add this to your own learning and can be be used as a reference of learning on what activities are there and enable you to research them and communicate your needs. As you hear of new activities or terms within the BDSM sphere, I encourage you to get a better understanding of them and what they potentially could mean for you.
In a D/s or M/s that is established there has been trust built and many discussions on such topic so I would argue the table would look more like this for the more established or experienced BDSM player who is in a D/s or M/s.
All BDSM Activities except those mentioned on my hard limits. This inculdes activities that I am not aware of or new activities that you desire. Negotiation and communication necessary as we explore. Trust is of essence.
Statement of Fact: I identify as gay, therefore I wish to keep my identity in tact whist participating and consenting to agreed and negotiated BDSM Activities.
It is always encouraged for you to explore; experience and create your own unique identity within your BDSM, kink or pup community.
Disclaimer: Please note that the information and tables in this blog post are that of my own experience and from my own perspective, no way I am telling the reader how they should approach BDSM or their limits and boundaries. I hope that this post has been informative.
In Part I – It was Illustrated a commonly used comparative flow charts between BDSM and Abuse to hi-light the differences between the two.
In Part II, It is my intention to take this a step further and break it down a little more:
The following Principles and Guidelines are intended to help law enforcement and social services professionals understand the difference between abusive relationships vs. consensual sadomasochism (BDSM). BDSM includes a broad and complex group of behaviors between consenting adults involving the consensual exchange of power, and the giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation and/or mental discipline.
BDSM includes: “intimate activities within the scope of informed consent that is freely given.”
Abuse is: “Physical, sexual or emotional acts inflicted on a person without their informed and freely given consent.”
The common dominator in the two threads is the difference between informed ‘Consent’ that is freely given verses an act that consent has not been given or withdrawn, and in this case it can be deemed as abuse.
The BDSM-Leather-Fetish communities recognize the phrase “Safe, Sane, Consensual” as the best brief summary of principles guiding BDSM practices:
Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through a “safeword” which ensures that each participant can end his/her participation with a word or gesture.
Informed consent must be judged by balancing the following criteria for each encounter at the time the acts occurred:
Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn?
Were there factors that negated the informed consent?
What is the relationship of the participants?
What was the nature of the activity?
What was the intent of the accused abuser?
Whether an individual’s role is top/dominant or bottom/submissive, they could be suffering abuse if they answer no to any of the following questions:
Are your needs and limits respected?
Is your relationship built on honesty, trust, and respect?
Are you able to express feelings of guilt or jealousy or unhappiness?
Can you function in everyday life?
Can you refuse to do illegal activities?
Can you insist on safe sex practices?
Can you choose to interact freely with others outside of your relationship?
Can you leave the situation without fearing that you will be harmed, or fearing the other participant(s) will harm themselves?
Can you choose to exercise self-determination with money, employment, and life decisions?
Do you feel free to discuss your practices and feelings with anyone you choose?
Now lets look at consent and an easy way to look at this is through ‘Tea’…
Now if you do not have consent for sex or as depicted in the video above ‘Tea’, then that is a form of abuse.
Doing something against a persons will is abuse. In BDSM, communication and agreement is key to a successful BDSM Scene, play space or relationship. In short negotiation is the underlying principal of BDSM. This inculdes the use safe words or signals. All parties involved are upfront with each other and there is an agreement between the parties to what they consent or not consent to, and how safe words work to remove consent or let the other participant(s) know that they are no longer comfortable with the scene. This can be referred to as limits, some people have soft limits, whilst others have limits they would like to explore. So what about ‘Hard Limits’ – These are generally areas that are off bounds. These limits must be respected. In a healthy BDSM relationship limits and what has been agreed to are respected, in and abusive relationship they are not.
Im not saying that in BDSM relationships that there is not abuse, sadly there is.
A great essay to read on this very topic, was written by Jan Hall and the author has authorized for the essay to be redistributed.
From the program of the International S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; text provided by Jan Hall. The Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction and redistribution of this information so please feel free to distribute this.
Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.
Domestic is not restricted to one particular group within the s/m community. A person’s size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.
Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be “agreed” upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
Has she or he ever violated your limits?
Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
Do you feel obligated to have sex?
Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
Does your partner limit access to work or material resources?
Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
Do you feel that you can’t discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors.
There are reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.
WE CAN REDUCE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic violence does exist in the s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person’s behaviors.
Leather groups in our are crucial to reducing violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.
Domestic Violence have of late been a topic of much discussion, and the previous Australian of the year Rosie Batty, put domestic violence and abuse front and centre, and also moved for many positive reforms in Australia. This also allowed abuse to be brought out of the shadows and allowing the subject to be on the national agenda. However with everything mainstream, BDSM is not a discussion point, even with the clear differences between Abuse and BDSM as previously illustrated.
The question before me is, what do we do about kinky abuse? BDSM practitioners are a group of people who engage in activities that often closely resemble abuse, and sometimes that play crosses over the line into actual abuse. Sometimes this abuse is accidental, the result of a scene gone wrong, but other times it is downright purposeful. While I suspect that the incidence of abuse is lower within the BDSM community than outside it (and surveys such as this one seem to confirm), there are still a certain number of habitual abusers within our ranks. Worse, abusive people can use the trappings of BDSM to disguise their abuse. What can we do about these people? How can we as a community (to the extent we are a community or multiple communities) identify and stop abusers?
When confronted with this issue, a common first response seems to be to refer it to the legal system. After all, abusive kinky situations do make it into court, so the idea is that we should let the usual authorities do the work of regulating abuse within the community, as they do outside the community. I consider this a cop-out (no pun intended). The law, the police, and the state have failed to significantly reduce abuse outside the community, and there is every reason to think that they will be even less effective when dealing with the BDSM subculture.
Much as it might be popular to show dominatrices and kinky marriage scenes in mainstream movies, BDSM play remains a marginalized activity, one that is nominally illegal in most places. Because it fails to distinguish between kink and abuse, the law itself is therefore insufficient to handle this sort of situation, and there is no reason to think that courts, juries, and police officers will be any better. In fact, the failure of the law in this regard is evident in the composition of the jury: if it were truly a jury of one’s peers, there would be twelve kinksters sitting in it.
Also, depending on legal remedies will of course fail those BDSM practitioners who are marginalized in various ways beyond their BDSM practice. It is foolish to expect that African-Americans, Latinoamericano/as, queers, and people in poverty will be able to get a fair hearing in a kinky abuse case (either as plaintiff or defendant) given that they often do not get such a hearing even when kink is not in play.
We cannot depend on the law to handle abuse. To the extent that we are able, we need to develop extralegal mechanisms around kinky abuse, not just to protect community members from abuse, but to find positive ways to rehabilitate abusers. (Prison, it should be noted, does not rehabilitate violent actors in most cases.) After all, the BDSM community is all about creating positive pursuits for what would otherwise be destructive behavior. If we can teach people to administer serious beatings that are still safe, then we should be able to teach people to overcome their abusive tendencies. The rest of this essay will focus on things we as a community can do that can be found at the source, The view points in the rest of the essay are that not of my own and many of the recommendations I do not agree with, so if you wish to read the authors view points on community responses please read the essay in full.
What I feel needs to occur is that resources and workshops are made available within the community outlining the differences between BDSM and Abuse. These need to focus on both the victim and the abuser, one providing kink-specific resources allowing those who may be crossing the lines into abuse materials that will educate to ensure they understand and know the difference. This also ensures an education program that provides and understanding and underlying values of SSC (safe, sane, consensual) or RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), and PRICK – (personal responsibility informed consensual kink).
What is BDSM?
Normally I would illustrate this at the start, but I have already written a blog article on the definition so, for all intended purposes I am going to illustrate in the diagram below the definition of BDSM that I use for all my writings:
BDSM vs. Abuse
Safe, sane and consensual play is the standard of the organised SM community; it relies on the use of a “safe-word” or “Safe-signal” that allows the submissive or bottom participant to stop the action at any time. Without informed consent, it is not BDSM, it is abuse.
BDSM always requires free, informed consent of all parties involved. A propensity to violence is therefore a fallacy, since the only time we engage in BDSM behaviors is with our partners.
It is an inherent fact that BDSM practitioners take great care to make sure that their activities are as safe as possible. In many cases BDSM does not feel like it looks or can be interpreted by an ill-informed individual looking in from the outside.
BDSM partners do not have to apologise to each other. Instead, they are happy and satisfied. Unlike abuse or violence, where one party has not given informed consent to the activity.
It should be noted that Children or anyone under the age of consent cannot give informed consent, therefore are never a part of BDSM activity. And if a minor is then that is abuse.
BDSM happens in the context of an erotic relationship. Just as context helps differentiate between an organised boxing match and a street brawl.
Technical reference material and participation in organised groups provide the tell-tale signs for differences between BDSM and violence or abuse.
Tell tale signs of the differences between Probable Cause and Consensual BDSM:
a) Signs of significant preparation. e.g.. Adult toys, music, bondage furniture, lubricants and safety supplies.
b) Restraints. Abusers tend to restrain their victims with fear and intimidation, not safety clips and quick releases.
c) We call emergency services in a medical emergency, not when there are loud noises.
d) The availability of mentors, reference materials and technical guides.
NOTE: The above information was gathered from the NCSF Law Enforcement Information Project of Consensual SM Activities. The purpose of which is to provide law enforcement with a basic understanding about adults whose sexuality and lovemaking includes BDSM activities and to provide them with information to assist when they encounter an BDSM event.To further the idea of the differences between SM and abuse, I found other information that may also be useful when dealing with Law enforcement.
1. SM rarely results in facial marks or marks that are received on the forearms (defensive marks).
2. There is usually an even pattern of marks if it is SM, indicating the bottom held quite still during the stimulation.
3. The marks are often quite well-defined when inflicted by a toy like cane or whip, whereas in abuse there are blotches of soft-tissue bruising, randomly distributed.
4. The common areas for SM stimulation is on the buttocks, thighs, back, breasts, or the genitals. The fleshy parts of the body can be stimulated intensely and pleasurably.
Two Definitions of Abuse
“An abusive relationship is one in which substantial physical, mental, or emotional harm is inflicted, that is not temporary in nature, and is not clearly compensated for by positive and loving experiences over a long period of time.” — by louise, 1997″Acts inflicted on a person without their freely given consent.” — Leather Leadership Conference III, Statement on Abuse, San Francisco, April 16-18,1999
D/s or Abuse?
D/s is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting adult partners.
Abuse is about the breach of trust between an authority figure and the person in their care.
D/s is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people.
Abuse is about the lack of respect that one person demonstrates to another person.
D/s is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure.
Abuse is about a form of out-of-control physical violence and/or personal or emotional degradation of the submissive.
D/s is about loving each other completely and without reservation in an alternate way.
Abuse is hurtful. It is also very damaging emotionally and spiritually to the submissive.
D/s frees a submissive from the restraints of years of vanilla conditioning to explore a buried part of herself.
Abuse binds a submissive to a lonely and solitary life of shame, fear and secrecy… imprisoning her very soul.
D/s builds self-esteem as a person discovers and embraces their long hidden sexuality.
Abuse shatters and destroys a person’s self-esteem and leaves self-hatred in its place.
An SM scene is a controlled situation.
Abuse is an out-of-control situation.
Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene.
One person determines what will happen.
Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties.
No consent is asked for or given.
The bottom has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons.
The person being abused cannot stop what is happening.
Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others.
No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person.
The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene.
Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.
After an SM scene, the people involved feel good.
After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad.
This article is partially based on material produced by:
American National Leather Association
Dutch S&M Media Information Center
POWERoticsFeel free to redistribute, but please make reference to these sources: Resources: Safe Link
c/o The Domestic Violence Education Project
National Leather Association
548 Castro Street #444
San Francisco, CA 99114
1 415 863 2444
And since we say, “Safe, Sane and Consensual” so often, I figured I’d give you some background to what that means.The community-wide standard of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” was codified more than ten years ago.
1. Safe is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns involved in what you are doing, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
This includes protection against HIV, STDs, and hepatitis. It also includes notifying your partner of any physical condition that may impact on the scene, like asthma, bad back, epilepsy, etc. It also includes psychological safety, such as you were abused as a child and don’t like a particular part of your body touched.
The SM community concerns itself with safety issues by supporting educational and social organizations that teach people the proper way to use their equipment. Such as: how to tie wrists without putting pressure on the insides; how to properly clean equipment; which areas on the body are unsafe to stimulate.
2. Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting in accordance with that knowledge.
Sane includes being of clear mind, and the community strongly recommends that mind-altering substances should be avoided during a scene that impair judgment.
3. Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. One of the recognized ways to maintain limits is through the “safeword” .
If it’s nonconsensual, then it’s abuse or assault. SM must be consensual.
Another alternative for Safe, Sane and Consensual, is Risk Aware Consensual Kink, or RACK. RACK is used by some internet-based players, by those who don’t necessarily agree with the subjectivity of Safe, Sane and Consensual, and certain others. Some people who are extremely”edgy” in their play habits also admit that they use the term “Risk Aware Consensual” in place of SSC. RACK’s main focus is on pre-negotiation with detailed informed consent, rather than the focus on the safety issues at hand. Those involved in these risky play behaviors, consider themselves well educated enough that they are willing to overlook certain safety precautions in order to enjoy the pain and the danger. RACK assumes better negotiations, as well as more detailed informed consent, than concern over the safety of the play. Most well established BDSM groups, clubs and private parties consider SSC much more appropriate for SM play than RACK.
To determine if informed consent has been reached, you can ask the following questions:
a) Was informed consent expressly denied or withdrawn? (similar to rape standards, if one of the participants withdraws consent during the activity, that must be respected)
b) Were there factors that negated the informed consent? (alcohol impairment, drug use, underage participants)
c) What is the relationship of the participants? (first encounter or long-term partner?)
d) What was the nature of the activity? (did it cause permanent harm, was it unsafe, was it enjoyable?)
e) What was the intent of the accused abuser? (to cause pleasure, to gain dominance, to hurt?)The above information was gathered from various sources, including Tammad Rimilia’s web site.
Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink
Finally PRICK was coined to add another degree of complexity into the BDSM dynamics and that is to add personal responsibility, similar to that of RACK where the focus is on pre-negotiation with detailed informed consent, but ‘PRICK’ adds a layer of the persons personal responsibility to be informed, and risk aware, moving back to taking into safety as an element of PRICK. Safety is an important component of personal responsibility as you are personally responsible to be informed and maintain a safe scene, and this is for both the Dominant and the submissive.
As above it is essential to ensure informed consent is reached between all parties involved in the BDSM activities.
In major American cities today small groups of otherwise relatively normal people get together to discuss, and to a lesser extent practice, S/M. But wait a minute — doesn’t S/M mean one person who enjoys deliberately inflicting pain on another person who, for some reason, likes receiving that pain?
The answer certainly is yes, but to understand why these people gather to discuss and practice S/M, you first need to understand the difference between the old, traditional mainstream concept of sadism and masochism and the newer concept of S/M that is currently being practiced in a healthy manner. In the old concept, a sadist was usually someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on a person who had not consented to it, and a masochist was someone who felt compelled to experience the pain though it was usually considered “sick” to enjoy it. Furthermore, these participants usually had a significant psychological imbalance or disorder, and their S/M activities quite often could easily cause long term harm, both physically and mentally.
The people who gather today to form small communities and even clubs devoted to S/M enthusiasts are very different from this old concept. Before discussing this difference though, let’s examine the perception and image of pain. When most people think of pain, they attach very negative connotations to it, and the more negative the connotation, the more likely they are to think the experience of pain is awful. However, in some cultures the stoic endurance of pain has been viewed as a character builder, and consequently in such cultures it is not always thought of as something bad. In a similar vein, in medical “pain clinics” people are taught to change their thinking towards pain so that the “hurt” doesn’t bother them as much. Many of these pain clinic patients also report that as a result of creating a new attitude towards dealing with physical pain, they have made similar attitude changes and corresponding improvements in other aspects of their lives as well.
Another facet of pain is found in the “runners high,” which also occurs in some other sports activities. In this type of “high,” as a result of exhausting physical exertion people experience muscle pain that causes the body to produce endorphins, which is a natural pain-killing response. Endorphins are similar to morphine and produce pleasurable euphoric feelings. They are also a significant factor in why some people can discover pleasure in feeling pain, but there are other factors as well.
Now back to the new versus the old concept of S/M. In contrast to the old concept, this new S/M has come to emphasize the motto of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” This means that the S/M “play” is done in such a manner that will not cause or transmit any long term physically disabling injury or disease. Foremost is the concern with disabling muscle, skeletal or nerve injury, and the transmission of hepatitis and AIDS’s viruses as well as other diseases.
Secondly, this means that the S/M play is to be engaged in by participants who are free of significant mental impairment, whether by psychological disturbance or disorder, or by mind-altering substances.
Then each participant must willingly consent to whatever S/M activity that is performed. If during an S/M “play scene” one person indicates he or she wishes to stop, whether through a prearranged signal or an outright request, then the other person must stop immediately. Of course this requires prior communication–and people who don’t communicate well usually don’t do well in this type of S/M.
One element of the contemporary S/M scene is also associated with the safe, sane and consensual motto: respect and tolerance for other people. Most people in S/M communities act with respect towards each other even though they may dislike certain aspects of some members– this is what is meant by tolerance. Those who don’t follow this implicit rule are usually quite effectively ostracized from the group. About the only time tolerance is not shown is when someone engages in activities that are not regarded as safe, sane, and consensual, or when someone expresses hate or hostility based on unjust discrimination.
Something else also occurs due to the growth of S/M communities: their members form close relationships and often these relationships become somewhat spiritual in nature, much as the bonds that develop between “churchgoers” can enrich their spiritual lives.
Another development in this new S/M is the spiritual growth from an individual perspective, whether from that of the giver (the “top”) or the receiver (the “bottom”). This spiritual development occurs as a result of learning greater self-mastery, either in the sense of developing the ability to administer pain in such a manner that ultimately provides pleasure, or in the sense of learning to approach pain as a challenge to meet and come to enjoy. Sometimes these two perspectives will be combined in one person (who is indeed fortunate) in his or her ability to “switch” between “top” and “bottom” roles. And sometimes the development of this self- mastery becomes a varying combination of artistic and athletic expression, though it usually would be judged extreme by our cultural norms.
But regardless of whether one is a top, bottom, or switch, the accompanying inner growth brings a sense of satisfaction and sometimes real joy. Then when such personal growth is shared with someone of a similar mind in an S/M play setting, and you know you are enriching the other persons psychic/spiritual life, the energy between the two people is multiplied in a synergistic effect known as a “power exchange.” This synergy is further enhanced when the power exchange takes place among like-minded members of the S/M community.
There are also other reasons why people are attracted to this relatively new style of S/M. Some people enjoy its rebellious quality of going against society’s taboos and cultural norms. For many the allure of S/M would be significantly reduced if the majority of people were openly practicing it. But there probably isn’t much need to worry about this happening in the near future. And by no means insignificant, the thrill of doing something that goes against cultural norms, as well as the stimulation of pain itself, can cause the body to produce extra adrenaline that can be very exhilarating.
Furthermore, for many people the practice of this contemporary S/M leads to what many psychologists refer to as “flow.” This is a pleasurable and virtually universally sought after psychological experience in which a person is so immersed in his or her experience that to a great extent the “self” is forgotten and time becomes significantly altered, and the person feels enriched from the experience. This is similar to the flow experience that artists and athletes often experience. And just as extreme sports enthusiasts such as skydivers and motorcycle racers often experience this enriching state of being, so do practitioners of this new blend of art and sport called S/M.
Though this style of S/M may be an extreme in comparison to most of what society enjoys, rather than being “sick,” as some people who have narrow minds would call it, it can lead to a multifaceted enrichment of one’s spirituality. Lastly though, safe, sane and consensual S/M is simply fun–or at least it should be. If you don’t enjoy it, you shouldn’t be doing it. But if you don’t enjoy it–which is fine, not everyone needs to–please be opened minded enough to allow others the freedom to enrich their lives with it. After all, the individual’s freedom to pursue happiness is the foundation that our country was built on.
By providing various extracts and views from different authors, and including my expressions of my experiences I hope that I have provided an informative article(s) on the difference between BDSM and Abuse. I am always happy to have a robust discussion on this topic, and to be provided with any other resources or articles that can assist with better education and removal of stigma from our beautiful communities that have the various sub cultures of BDSM and Leather.
Once again communication, trust and education is important in building positive BDSM relationships, and removing the stigma around them.
You need to be of legal age of consent to view this post if you do not qualify then you should close your browser and when your 18 you can cum back.
I have had an online discussion over the 2015/16 new year, where the topic of discussion was human puppy cum and can it be used in pup training… Yes it was a another male topic.
Preamble: The discussion was surrounding a specific type of training for pups, at this stage I am reserving my views, thoughts and opinions on said topic, and would like to see a discussion on this. The type of training is used in the real world with Trainers and biological dogs that serve as working dogs, in police, military and on farms. The training involves where apparently the handler masturbates there dog, in order to have greater control. Now I have heard of this, and yet basic internet searches seam to indicate that it is a miss-truth, yet some have attempted to do such activity.
Anyway it was suggested that a Handler / Sir / Master should jerk of their pup to orgasm to show their dominance over them whilst in pup head-space. It was further suggested that the pup should then lick up the cum.
With in this discussion it was discussed and suggested that the pup is not to induce or interfere in the process by either being restrained or having their paws on. (This must be first consented too.)
In no way I am attempting to tell anyone how to be a pup or how to train their pup, I would encourage positive and open communication and negotiation is a must for a healthy D/s relationship.
I suggested that this may work in a Handler and pup dynamic where military or police training may be the workings of that particular couple or group or pack. I know that there are some pups that like the conformity of a military aspect as part of their training, this may include but not limited to corporate punishment. The desire to have some military influence is something that may interest some Handlers or pups. Remember this is a very specific type of pup training that is not for everyone. I would also caution that if done incorrectly it may not be beneficial to the inner working of the pup head-space, with is generally on a more social nature.
Marking: (I added this to the discussion)
I added that there are some that are in the pup community that believe marking should also be used… (The act where the Dom urinates on the pup) This has be widely discussed before and there are two sides of this those who agree and those who do not, once again this is the dynamic of your pup and handler or pup and alpha & what may work for one set of individuals may not work for another.
Without discussing the out come of the discussion I would be interested in hearing the thoughts of others….
What are your thoughts on having your dominant masturbate you as a form of dominance and part of your training?
However in much of the discourse, surrounding the use of shock collars in pup play the answer to it’s usage with pups appear to be a No and generally frowned upon. With in the community many feel the use of electric shock collars on human pups is a big NO many feel that the pup headspace should not be tainted with unnecessary punishment.
The question is, should a human pup be shocked? We allow this for the biological kind…
Firstly if you are going to use electric shock collars, under no circumstances do you use it like you would with a real dog, do not attach the collar around a humans neck.
And to be sure you understand: Do not use the collar on the neck of a human. Even though there are pictures on the internet….
Just to be sure, to be, to be sure;
Do NOT use electric shock collars on your human-pups neck, human physiology is different from a dogs and electricity applied to a human neck is not safe. If you want to use this form of training then you could try using the collar around their thigh. Shock collars are best placed around the pups thigh or, upper arm may work, and with boy pups around their ball shack. remember to test the levels as each pup is sensitive differently in the different areas.
In a previous post talking about electric shock collars, it was suggested:
Although, to be honest this kind of training is usually inconsistent depending on your pup’s personality and has to be administered just right to be effective. It is no substitute for getting to know your pup and training them verbally, hands on and with patience.
A question was posed to me the other day about human pup training and shock collars, of course we agreed that it should never be placed on the human’s neck. My initial response was ‘no’ shock collars should not be used as a form of correction for behaviour when training a human pup.
After some consideration and reviewing my reaction, I have rethought my answer, as a boy I love electrodes, and the idea of a shock collar is a turn on. As a pup (in headspace) I am doubtful that I would have electrodes or do half the BDSM activities as I partake in as a submissive. And this is purely because the pup headspace is very different form of submission, and in some cases dominance.
There are activities that I partake as a Dominant, this can be wether in and Alpha role or a Dominant personality / persona – In this, my pup headspace is certainly not at the forefront. Though I will point out that as part of my whole self, predominately my identity is a pup and it’s characteristics are always there.
Remaining on topic, Shock collars and pup training, as previously mentioned, my initial reaction was no.
However through other posts and writings and exchange of thoughts and opinions; I have always maintained that negotiation and communication is essential to any BDSM activity. For this blog I include pup play. Before entering the pup head space you and your handler need to have discussions on training, rewards and discipline. It should be acknowledged that throughout your journey as a pup or Handler; that you will build levels of trust, and a bond that is unique. You will know your Handler or pup sometimes better then he or she knows themselves. And this is the beauty and magic of a safe and consensual BDSM or D/s relationship between either two consenting adults or a group.
I would suggest that the Shock collar be placed on the pup, whilst in headspace or shown to him so he is aware of it, not just have it there, and it being a shock. Make it part of the training experience, but prior to that allow the boy to experience it in the first instance.
It is my view that if a shock collar is to be used for corrective behaviour modifications then it should not be the only tool. The shock collar could be a means of correcting severe undesirable behaviour. A pup (in deep headspace) may not understand the shock collar and its uses. This is why it is important to be discussed prior to headspace. How you place this on the pup, wether in full human mode or partial human/pup mode, or full pup mode is entirely up to the pup and handler.
As pups can be mischievous, if used correctly it could be introduced on low settings as part of play, especially those that emit a sound or a vibration, these can be used as warnings prior to the shock, and allow the pup to fully explore their pup self, whist enabling the Handler to emit warnings of behaviour traits that are undesirable.
With training emitting a sound or vibration would let a pup know if you continue – you will be shocked. If you do not want to be shocked then stop… Self correction followed by positive reinforcement is an excellent way in training your pup. Keep in mind it is not the only way.
Remember: Consistency is everything.
Shock collars should be used with caution and trialled whist in pup headspace. If the pup dose not like it or the shock collar training is not having the desired outcomes, do not use it. In the event the pup is showing signs of destress, rethink your strategy.
Sometimes it may be better used when your submissive is not in pup headspace, and part of BDSM activities. Remember communication is key for all parties concerned.
Pup training should always focus on positive reinforcement for good behaviour and behaviour modifications, smacking or shocking your pup should not be the go to place. Sometimes a raised voice or a look of disappointment is all that is required. But if your a mischievous pup like me, sometimes corrective actions such as a verbal direction or a firm hand on the shoulder and/or the odd smack on the butt may be warranted.
In closing if it works for your D/s then try it, if it dose not then you have not lost anything. Remember before making purchases, discuss shock collars first, chooses one with multiple settings, and one with a vibration button; this is great fun. Communication is key, including watching the non verbal communications of your pup. And remember do not place them on the neck.
Positive reinforcement is always far better at correcting the behaviour of your pup then disciplinary… Unless of course that is what has been negotiated between the parties involved. An example of this could be a military pup/Handler role that involve corporate punishment as part of the workings of their relationship.
Each D/s is as individual and unique as each pup and Handler; therefore communicate, read each other. It is important that the Handler gets to know his pup.
To the Handler: One thing I encourage you to do, is get to know the inner workings of your pup, explore him and the way he interacts. The pup will look for you for guidance as he wants to please you and make you proud of him.
All those pups out there, if you are with a Handler who cares for you, not only will he know you he will know how to push your buttons. This will ensure you both have a fun and for-filling D/s journey. Have fun and play safe.
I have used shock collars, but I have never been in full pup headspace, when they have been used, I found them to be great fun! With the right handler I would seriously consider their use as part of my training.
BDSM: This is a bit of a catch-all acronym with several meanings, including Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/masochism.
Top: The person who is swinging the flogger, doing the fisting, trying you up or suspending you, or doing all those wonderful consensual things to you. A Top can be a submissive, Dominant, switch – or none of the above.
Bottom: The person receiving the flogging/fisting/bondage, etc. Again this person can be a submissive, Dominant, switch – or none of the above.
Dom/me: “Dom” is a male dominant; “Domme” is a female dominant. Often people who introduce themselves as a Dom/me really mean that they are a top. However in many cases A Dom/me may not always be a top. Dom/me is also used by the Dominant in a power exchange relationship
submissive: As with Dom a submissive can be either a bottom or be their role in the power exchange relationship. A submissive can also be a top.
“Boy, I need some tie-up time! Bring me my leather strait jacket, strap me in, and do not let me out until morning.”
“Yes, Sir. Will you be wanting your gag?”
Master / Mistress: The person leading the power exchange relationship(s). Master is primarily by males, in some circles females may be called Master.
Slave: The person in a power exchange relationship who is not in charge. This term in non gender specific
TPE: Total Power Exchange. A relationship in which one person is the lead and one is not. (This is a raw definition). The exercise of a TPE may be detailed in a contract with well defined roles.
Total Power Exchange (TPE)
Definition – What does Total Power Exchange (TPE) mean?
Total power exchange (TPE) is a relationship dynamic that occurs in a BDSM relationship where the dominant partner has total power over the submissive in everything. TPE always applies in sexual situations, but generally also refers to the dominant having power over all other elements of the submissive’s life.
TPE is a turn-on for a lot of people because of the level of trust involved. The submissive essentially gives their life away to the dominant. This is also a huge responsibility for the dominant and should not be taken lightly.
Kinkly explains Total Power Exchange (TPE)
TPE can be used in day-to-day activities, or it can be used for just a few hours during play to spice things up.
This type of play is not about micromanaging a person’s life; it’s about a submissive giving complete trust to the dominant partner and believing that he or she will have the submissive’s best interests and pleasure in mind.
What can be so hard to understand is that the submissive actually control. That’s because in sane, respectful D/s relationship the submissive can stop the play at any time. It’s all about the submissive being able to give up control and the dominant being able to exert control in a safe, consensual way.
Power Exchange Relationship: In my view point a PEW – Power Exchange Relationship is just similar to that of a TPE, but the submissive is not giving up complete control of their life or only control in a scene/play. This can be a little broader and it is a part of the D/s and BDSM Kink worlds, Once again it comes down to consent and negotiation.
So after much consideration and thought I have been considering what breed I am…
At first I always considered myself to be a husky whilst I feel I have many of such traits displayed by huskies, it has been recently brought to my attention that Much of my personality and pup persona are that of a bull dog.
I do recall another pup in Brisbane always considered me as a bull dog. Upon reading about the Australian Bulldog I have come to realize that I also share many similar traits of that breed.
So I went online and looked at the breed descriptions for both, and have shared them below.
I have noticed that most of my stances and positions are that of a bull dog; whilst both breeds share similar traits, and are both similar to my puppy boy persona.
I would also like to add that my good friend Max has also suggested that I could also be a beagle cause I love food….
I guess this is going to be discussed a bit as I decide on my breed…. It will certainly be discussed with both Sir and 13.
The body structure overall should be one of great strength with good thickness of bone, with males being solid and compact with good muscle tone. A nice level topline is preferred with tail cartridge straight off the back, docked or not. Moderate turn of stifle and hock angulations. Chest area should be broad with the brisket well let down. Front should be straight with good shoulder placement. Body coat preferred short and smooth, not thick or rough. The head structure of an Aussie Bulldog is one of its main attributes, being very strong and square in appearance, having good depth and width of muzzle with a pronounced stop between the eyes and have 1/3 folds of wrinkle across the nose. Eye placement should be wide apart, being large and clean in appearance. Mouth to be up to 1/4 inch undershot but breeding toward a near level bite preferred. Teeth should be of good size and well placed within the mouth. Jaw structure preferred wide and square top and bottom. The Aussie Bulldog comes in a variation of wonderful colors, including shades of fawn, apricot, orange, red, mahogany, white and at least 5 shades of brindle including red brindle, fawn brindle, black brindle, mahogany brindle and silver brindle. Aussies also come in pied coloring with pied being one color more dominant than the other, and an arrangement of patches on the body that is quite appealing.
The Australian Bulldog is a medium sized dog that loves being part of a family. The Aussie Bulldog is intelligent, loving and loyal with a sound temperament. Good with children and fun-loving, this breed is pretty easygoing. It will enjoy playing with a ball or Frisbee and loves to play or swim in water. It is a good watch dog but not a guard dog, though its appearance can be a deterrent. Given the alertness of this breed, the Aussie Bulldog does have the ability to be a dependable watch dog at a mature age. With its intelligence and loyalty it is a very easy dog to teach at home, but obedience trainingis recommended (as with any breed of dog). The Aussie Bulldog has stamina and its personality is one everyone could get attached to. This breed craves leadership from its owners. Like all dogs, they need a firm, but calm, confident and consistent pack leader and daily mental and physical exercise to avoid any behavior issues.
Aussie Bulldogs are not recommended for apartment life. This breed is an indoor dog, and should not be left outside all day in a kennel. Bulldogs do best in temperate climates as the breed can chill easily in cold weather and have trouble cooling off in very hot weather.
Aussie Bulldogs need plenty of exercise which includeslong daily walks. They like to go swimming in summer and lie in the sun during the winter months.
Siberian Huskies are strong, compact, working sled dogs. The medium-sized head is in proportion to the body, with a muzzle that is equal in length to the skull, with a well-defined stop. The color of the nose depends upon the color of the dog’s coat. It is black in gray, tan or black dogs, liver in copper dogs and flesh-colored in pure white dogs. The medium-sized, oval-shaped eyes are moderately spaced and come in blue, brown, amber or any combination thereof. Eyes can be half blue and half brown (parti-eyed), or dogs can have one blue eye and one brown eye (bi-eyed). The erect ears are triangular in shape, and set high up on the head. The teeth meet in a scissors bite. The tail is carried over the back in a sickle curve, not curved to either side when the dog is excited. The large “snow shoe” feet have hair between the toes to help keep them warm and for gripping on ice. Dewclaws are sometimes removed. The medium-length, double coat is thick and can withstand temperatures as low as -58° to -76° F (-50° to -60° C). The coat also comes in a longhaired variety called a wooly coat. The wooly (sometimes spelled woolly or wooley) coat length comes from a resessive gene and is not in most of the kennel club’s written standard. Coat colors include all, from black to pure white, with or without markings on the head. The face mask and underbody are usually white, and the remaining coat any color. Examples of common colors are black and white, red and white, brown, gray and white, silver, wolf-gray, sable and white, red-orange with black tips, dark gray and white. Piebald is a very common coat pattern.
Siberian Huskies are loving, gentle, playful, happy-go-lucky dogs that are fond of their families. Keen, docile, social, relaxed and rather casual, this is a high-energy dog, especially when young. Good with children and friendly with strangers, they are not watchdogs, for they bark little and love everyone. Huskies are very intelligent and trainable, but they will only obey a command if they see the human is stronger minded than themselves. If the handler does not display leadership, they will not see the point in obeying.Training takes patience, consistency and an understanding of the Arctic dog character. If you are not this dog’s 100% firm, confident, consistent pack leader, he will take advantage, becoming willful and mischievous. Huskies make an excellent jogging companion, as long as it is not too hot. Huskies may be difficult to housebreak. This breed likes to howl and gets bored easily. Does not do well if left alone for a long period of time without a great deal of exercise beforehand. A lonely Husky, or a Husky that does not get enough mental and physical exercise can bevery destructive. Remember that the Husky is a sled dog in heart and soul. It is good with other pets if raised with them from puppyhood. Huskies are thrifty eaters and need less food than you might expect. This breed likes to roam. Siberian Huskies can make wonderful companions for people who are aware of what to expect from these beautiful and intelligent animals and are willing to put the time and energy into them.
They are not usually recommended for apartments, however they can live in apartments if well trained and properly exercised. Siberian Huskies are very active indoors and do best with a fenced-in large yard. Because of their heavy coats, these dogs prefer cool climates. One has to use common sense with respect to maintaining them in the heat by providing adequate shade and air conditioning. This breed prefers to live in packs.
Siberian Huskies need a fair amount of exercise, including a daily walk or jog, but should not be excessively exercised in warm weather. They need a large yard with a high fence, but bury the wire at the base of the fence because they are likely to dig their way out and go off hunting.
I have chosen to write this article from my perspective, and the viewpoints I express are that of my own feelings of what a ‘pup’ collar means to me.
I have an understanding of the conventions, traditions and principals of what a ‘collar’ is and its associated meanings. Different Dominants have different opinions and systems that they implement within their own collaring protocols. These systems can include collars of consideration, slave collar, probation collars, first collars, training collars, formal collars, etc.
This is a further demonstration to the diversity of our leather, denim, uniform and BDSM community. A particular collar system that works for one particular D/s or that particular Dominant may differ from another.
“A collar is a symbolism of trust, respect and a journey that is forthcoming.”
However pups generally do not meet accepted conventions or traditions of the BDSM community, therefore, I wish to introduce the notion of a ‘pup collar’. Within this article I will explain key differences and examine my feelings of what a pup collar would mean to me.
I believe that following the accepted conventions, a collar that is issued to you by your Handler/Dom/Sir is always their property and you are the custodian of this until such time either party decides. (That’s right the submissive has the right to also end a D/s relationship just as much as a Dominant has)
A pup collar is outside the accepted conventions and either party can purchase the collar, generally speaking the pup collar does not hold the same importance or meanings as a ‘collar’, however a pup collar can be an important part of either the pups identity or the D/s Dynamic. The pup collar can have various representations depending on what is agreed by the parties involved.
The ‘Pup Collar’ is the property of the pup, and is owned by the pup. It may either be purchased or gifted. A pup collar can represent many things and can evolve into more than a nice collar brought for a nice boy, or look at that nice collar in the window. Or even – ‘oh shiny thing’…. I think I will get it. A pup collar can have whatever meaning you make of it and hold what memories you wish.
The main difference between a ‘collar’ and a ‘pup collar’ is that a pup collar is not one of ownership, it carries no tags or locks and it does then this is by negotiated agreements, or a representation of the pup’s identity. The pup collar can evolve to one of the collars described above. However I believe in traditions, and when a submissive is being offered a collar from a Dominant and accepts the negotiated protocols of that power exchange relationship (D/s), this renders the pup collar as an accessory that holds valuable memories of the pups’ identity which is replaced by the ‘collar’ that starts the forthcoming D/s journey.
Personally a pup collar brings me comfort and the feel of either the leather or chain weighing on my neck. It brings the sense of completion to my inner K9. Whether it’s a collar I brought myself or that has been brought for me.
It represents to me, a sense of security, acceptance and pride in who I am and how I identify. I am a pup and I am proud of this. The pup collar also demonstrates my submission in D/s dynamics and that I am cared for whilst in pup headspace. When I have my own collar on, it simply means that I feel secure, and engaged with my K9 side. “It also helps bring the pup to the surface.”
For me a ‘Pup Collar’ does not mean that I am owned. It demonstrates that there are people in my life who are willing to invest time to handle and train me. There may be no formal D/s relationship and it may be for a short or long time. It may even just a playmate. For me it allows me to connect with my inner K9 sanctuary.